Irony or Mayo

Top Chef Texas - Meatballs and SPICY meatballs

2012-01-26T00:06:00.001-06:00

Coming soon

Top Chef Texas - War is hell, evil is great

2012-01-19T01:08:00.001-06:00

(Heads-up: I'll be discussing the results of tonight's Last Chance Kitchen at the end of this post.)

Two weeks ago, we had the Restaurant Wars episode that for years has been the tentpole of the Top Chef season. This week, an overt media tie-in episode with a celebrity guest judge with unknown or questionable culinary bona fides -- the kind of episode we all sort of shudder at. (Hi, Rocco's frozen dinners!)

Who'd'a thunk that Restaurant Wars would be a total calamity, and the media tie-in (with Snow White and the Huntsman star Charlize Theron) would offer, from top to bottom, some of the most charismatic, adept, and truly appetizing cookery we've seen in recent seasons?

Maybe it's that, as fellow Top Chef analyst Carol Blymire noted, the show was willing to call arancini 'arancini', but settled for calling zeppole 'Italian doughnuts'. Maybe it's the "Battle of the Sexes" theme of Restaurant Week that felt just a little too Road Rules. Or maybe it's that, as I've noted before, the editing seems to be favoring the rope-a-dope strategy of the Japanese Iron Chef in portraying judges' positions one way during the meal, and wildly different during chef criticism.

(I don't know what's worse: that Team Half-Bushel, with Lindsay's vacant front-of-house work, lengthy delays, overcooked halibut from Lindsay by way of Beverly, and Sarah's lackluster Italian doughnuts, still managed to win over Team Canteen, or that Beverly's nineteenth braised short rib was good enough to overcome her deficiencies in cooking Lindsay's fish and beat Grayson's very well-received peach and bacon salad and elegant schaum torte dessert outright.)

The boys had their problems, of course. Chris Jones took the Ghost of Eli's Caramel Apple Peanut Soup to the limit with his sloppy...well, slop of Cracker Jack ice cream, cherry, and frozen peanut butter. And actually, what was with their very trademark-centric dessert courses? (Edward's "Almond Joy" looked and sounded tasty, but the insistence on going the Todd Wilbur route cheapened their efforts.)

And in the end, even though I thought Ty-Lör's dish was appealing, it had nothing to do with the vaguely mess-hall theme of the boys' restaurant; I can accept his dismissal at the end of Restaurant Wars, even though Chris Jones' flaws spoke louder to me.

But you know what it really was that made this week's episode so much more enjoyable than last? Everything. Every single thing about this week's output bested last week's efforts. I hate to say it, but that includes Beverly's departure at the end of a very hair-splitting Judges' Table. At least now Lindsay and Sarah can get over their beef with Bev (who may not be the victim the editors make her out to be, but whose treatment by the other mean girls is nonetheless unjustified) and I won't have to see them talk down to her for using a plastic spoon to plate things.

The Quickfire was fun, with the chefs having to choose at least three ingredients from a conveyor belt of escalating quality. (The gamble: wait longer, and better stuff comes out, but you have less time to cook.) It was nice to see Eric Ripert back again. Everyone always wants to impress the Ripper (remember that nickname, Beverly; it's closer than 'rip-ERT'), and I thought for sure Sarah was trying too hard. Seemed like she was waiting for-EVER at the belt, but managed to pull off a cottage cheese sauce (hurk) for her fried soft-shell crab. Also, Chris: RUN FASTER.

(Padma told Beverly she'd have won had she plated her third ingredient, curried Rice Krispies, but gave the win on technicality to Lindsay's bouillabaisse -- galling, and understandably, but I can't help but enjoy that schadenfreude. "Since we can't give it to Beverly, um....Lindsay, I guess." I had high hopes for Grayson's fun Goldfish cracker-crusted Dover sole, but alas, Ripert dismissed its heavy citrus usage.)

Then Charlize Theron walked in, and the episode kicked into high gear. She's the Evil Queen in Snow White and the Huntsman -- the Snow White movie coming this year that actually looks good, and doesn't involve GOP presidential candidates in any way -- and the theme of the challenge was to cook for a wicked queen.

Lamb hearts. Forbidden rice. Black chicken. Fried fish skin. Even a poisoned apple. I am not kidding you, I was sure up until the point where Padma said someone would be going home that they weren't going to kick anyone off. Every single plate of food brought it. Brought. It. As dish after spectacular dish came out, wife and I were worried about Grayson; she'd chosen the black chicken despite no experience with it, and it just didn't seem like her admittedly-literal approach was going to work with a finicky new protein. It did, though she still ended up at the bottom. Her dish also looked amazing.

Chris Jones' MOTOisms finally worked in his favor. Edward's dual-sauced tuna tartare was right up my alley. I really expected Sarah to bork her lamb hearts and amarone risotto, and while she was nearly eliminated, she nailed the hearts at least. Paul's plating was risky -- his beet/bacon/pumpernickel hash (for lack of a better term) clung to the edge of a very avant garde platter -- and the handprint meant to look bloody could have been gimmicky. It wasn't, and he took home another win and two tickets to the SWatH premiere.

Charlize Theron was an adept judge and a fun presence on the show -- and yes, gorgeous -- and the regulars seemed to appreciate the greatness of the meal in its proper context. The plating and flavors were both terrific. Beverly's gone, but not; I've got no animosity toward her, but this household was really rooting for Nyesha in the Last Chance Kitchen. Beverly managed to knock her off in a challenge that was maybe just a pinch too cruel.

And so, updated odds:

Paul: 4 to 1
Lindsay: 6 to 1
Edward: 9 to 1
Sarah: 20 to 1
[Last Chance Kitchen winner]: 40 to 1
Grayson: 45 to 1
Chris J.: 75 to 1

Next week, the chefs cook head to head, Cat Cora shows up to guest-judge, Chris J. may just lose his shit, and Grayson continues to be adorably blunt.

Going dark to help stop SOPA/PIPA

2012-01-17T18:09:00.002-06:00

In solidarity with the widespread protest of the terribly-misguided SOPA/PIPA legislation, this site will go dark on January 18, 2012.

If you're unfamiliar, please refer to this link -- though it too will go dark on 1/18, along with Wikipedia, the rest of Reddit, and many other sites big, small, and in-between.Please educate yourself on this legislation, and if you oppose it like I do, please contact your Senators and Representatives to register your disapproval.

Kyle Ate Here - The 2011 in review edition

2012-01-01T18:20:00.000-06:00

Here we are, at the end of this year-long experiment in journaling -- something I've never been good at doing, and didn't always attend to properly throughout 2011. But I've filled two notebooks with this year's dining notes, and a little retrospection is only fair.

And there is, of course, the matter of December. It was a pretty slow month, what with Christmas shopping and travel and what-have-you. So many other gifts and bounty, I'm sure December won't mind if it gets a little short shrift.

December dining

Even a mild winter gets me all cozy for the coffee shop experience: leisurely mugs and pressed sandwiches. Redamté on State and Firefly in Oregon did a fine job of scratching that itch. (Though, I found it odd that Firefly doesn't offer hot breakfast options, only house-made baked goods. The lemon cream scone wasn't Lazy Jane's-caliber, but satisfied nonetheless.) And Barriques' BLT wrap is just so perfect.

Papa Bear's BBQ amazed once again with a luscious BBQ pork po'boy, topped with crisp cabbage and spicy ranch. On the flip side, Brickhouse BBQ was a major letdown from our last trip; a meal full of off flavors and poor finish made me glad we used a gift certificate and didn't pay full price. Odd flavors also marred what would have otherwise been a nice sandwich at Carmella's, a very popular bistro in Appleton; my shaved prime rib panini was pleasant but for a burnt-tasting fried caper and fennel aioli.

Even for a slightly abbreviated month of dining out, exemplary dishes shone forth. A late-month trip to Tipsy Cow saw my beloved PBR tacos return to form. I finally visited Ian's Pizza on State in its remodeled...state, and a sausage alfredo slice left nothing to be desired. That Papa Bear's po'boy would have won any other month, but the best present I unwrapped outside of Christmas morning was the double-smoked brisket sandwich at Stalzy's Deli. Gloriously smoky, perfectly cooked, just fatty enough -- everything you want from a piece of smoked meat.

The defining social movement
of 2011, I'm sure.

It's 2012, and 2011's check has come

So, kids, what have we learned? I can tell you what I learned through these posts.

-I learned that Papa Bear's BBQ is more than just quick-n-easy barbecue; it has to be considered as one of the best 'cue joints in Madison.

-I learned that throughout all the protest crowds, all the social media chatter, and even a closure and re-opening, Tipsy Cow still hasn't figured out how to either offer anything more than the minimum level of service, or even build a basic website. (But feel free to peruse the defunct King and Mane branch of the Lombardino's site.)

-I learned that Madison's Bakery Row (Willy/Atwood area) has probably reached saturation. RIP Bea's Bonnet, but glad to see you're still buzzing at Victory.

-I learned that shelling out for food at Michael's or Java Cat (gelato excluded, as I still haven't tried it) is almost never worth the cost.

-I learned that getting to the Library Mall lunch cart corridor -- even if you have to drive there -- is absolutely worth it.

-I learned just how wonderful San Francisco is for a guy who loves to eat, and only scratched the surface.

-I learned that I still have a lot to experience in the world of Madison restaurants -- and 2012 is going to be a great year to discover more.

The best things

January - Chicken francaise, jacs Dining and Taphouse
February - PBR-battered tilapia tacos, King and Mane
March - Brussels sprouts with lemon, Merchant
April - Montrachet goat cheese tart, Brasserie V
May - Roast beef sandwich, Johnson Public House
June - Bananas flambé chocolate, DB Infusion Chocolates
July - Drunken shrimp with XO and ale butter sauce, L'Etoile
August - Krupuk udang (shrimp chips), Bandung
September - Blueberry pie, Graze
October - The Bada Bing pizza, Luigi's
November - The G breakfast sandwich, Gotham New York Bagels
December - Double-smoked brisket sandwich, Stalzy's Deli

Whaddaya say: wanna do this again in four weeks?

Top Chef Texas - Kindly Tom, Bigfoot, and other legendary creatures

2011-12-21T23:53:00.000-06:00

Much like Jesus and his role in Tim Tebow's success, I feel like karma's got bigger shrimp to devein than delivering some humility upon Heather for her shitty treatment of Beverly.

But boy, that did feel good, seeing Heather brought low for stringy, greasy mystery meat and not doing the smart thing that Beverly did.

I know I put Heather at 5-1 odds to win last week, and I wasn't fading you all. I think she could have won the whole thing, but her flaws (giant ego, constant desire to get over on a perceived opponent) were definitely going to get her in trouble. This first episode set in Austin wasn't nearly as boring (not Ty-Lör) as I thought it'd be after all.

Beverly could do it.

The Elimination Challenge was finale-grade serious: cook a dish inspired by the person who inspired you to cook. The reason this kind of challenge is normally saved for the finale was elucidated by Tom Colicchio at Judges' Table; no one here wants to send a chef home for a dish with this much heart at its core. It was a thoughtful and kind moment from Tom, a week after he was as incisively critical as I've ever seen him.

Of course, he did mention to Heather that if she'd really wanted to tenderize the ribeye for her beef stroganoff, she could have used a pressure cooker like Beverly did. And the Last Chance Kitchen segment broke with the template and showed a montage of all of Heather's worst bullying moments. It was kind of awesome.

(As soon as Heather lost, my first comment to my wife was that I couldn't wait to see Nyesha crush her like an empty can of soda.)

The Quickfire Challenge was a bit of a throwaway; Twitter users who had no idea who was at the kitchen end of the conversation were tasked with offering suggestions for what ingredients to use, how to cook them, and what twist to throw in. One takeaway from the Quickfire: had any of you non-chef readers heard of hon shimeji mushrooms before this season of Top Chef? They've appeared in at least four dishes so far.

(Okay, Sarah's burrata-stuffed squash blossom was pretty appealing, and Paul's assemblage of blackberries, bacon, clams, and chorizo was at the very least striking and avant garde; he ended up with his second QF win of the season.)

Where the Quickfire was doomed to produce some Frankensteinian creations of minimal culinary worth, the Elimination was all soul--and not just because guest judge Patti LaBelle said so. Paul's adobo quail and Ty-Lör's duck fat-fried chicken tender a la Japanese nanny were both good enough to be in the top three, but fell just short. That's how good the top half of the competition was this week.

Edward's poor childhood resulted in a meatless bibimbap that you just hoped would be appreciated by the judges (it was); Beverly pressure-cooked beef short ribs (her second pressure-cooking of the evening) and turned them into a classy interpretation of classic mom food. But it was Sarah, who seemed to be on an emotional mission from the opening bell, who made pork sausage-stuffed cabbage not only tasty, but good enough to stand out visually opposite the bright colors and flavors of Paul's dish during service.

Grayson's giant and nasty steak didn't do right by Wisconsin, and Chris Crary's spoogy filet of salmon was almost bad enough to be worse than Heather's mess (that Patti called "Bigfoot" for its unidentifiability). I'm thinking it's a blip for Chris, but Grayson's been on the bottom two weeks in a row; that's not a good streak. Lindsay, meanwhile, toils in obscurity, which could be just the trick to last into the final five or six this season.

And in the secret fight club basement, looking cute and cooking smart, is Nyesha, whose work was never so bad on its own to merit dismissal. I've got a feeling about that girl.

Next week, Grayson finds out how meats really get grilled (at The Salt Lick, which I'm frankly proud to say I recognized by its pit alone), Sarah needs oxygen, and Heather's still gone! So it can't be that bad of an episode.

Kyle Ate Here - The thankful (no, really) edition

2011-12-18T17:45:00.000-06:00

There's no way to be any kind of food writer and not have a healthy sense of thankfulness for the bounty so many of us have at our disposal. It's more than just all the restaurants we have to choose from in Madison and beyond; it's the ability that we the fortunate have to experience them.

So while I ramble on about all the things I ate, and while you all read about it and consider where you might go out to eat next, let's all make sure we remember the people who aren't sure when they might eat next, to say nothing of where. Fortune, family, and friends are truly gifts to be appreciated.

Family

Here, we discuss restaurants visited during November's travels to visit with family outside of Madison. We hit the Twin Cities mid-month, and though we didn't spend a lot of time in town, we did stop at Salut Bar Americain in St. Paul for a mid-shopping lunch. The restaurant has a goofy faux-French theme that is charming in spots, and overdone in others. The Leetle Beeg Mac was a spot-on mockup, though. In White Bear Township, Majestic Pizza is a fine little local pizzeria, with some really tasty pepperoni.

For Thanksgiving, Appleton provided more than the usual family cooking. Kristine and I drove to Darboy for some hearty diner breakfast at Mohnen's: nice corned beef hash with poached eggs, and terrific pancakes like always. Serious Burger, which I expected to be a Five Guys knock-off, was instead an exemplary burger joint with great local sourcing. And I've been to Pullmans many times before, but I've never had a meal there that's been as terrific as the New York strip I had there in November; it was perfect.

Friends

I'm thankful, too, for the friends I've made in Madison since moving here (and especially via the protests). We didn't dine with many of them in November, but they're there nonetheless. Kristine and I, meanwhile, peeked our heads into the AJ Bombers experience, and found the burgers fine and the buffalo chicken egg rolls guiltily yummy. (I did, anyway.) Surge Cafe made a fine "Zeus' Fuel" sandwich, loaded with feta--if that's your thing. The Peking duck roll at Red Sushi is worth a shot, and 4B Cafe in Oregon (beset by poor business) served up an equally worthy Reuben.

Familiar operations impressed in November. Porktropolis (which I found uneven back in January) served up a great sandwich of two briskets, and an impressive aronia berry BBQ sauce. Gotham Bagels' Spanish Harlem is as good a sandwich as it ever was. The bar at Sardine has always been a fun place for a light meal; the sopressata sandwich and bistro hot dog (both on the bar menu) wowed us.

The best thing I ate

The Thanksgiving weekend in Appleton actually provided some of the best consecutive days of restaurant dining in recent memory; that steak was remarkable. It was a perfect medium, with a great crust, and trimmed just right. The leftovers made for a fine plate of steak and eggs the next morning. But since I live in Madison, I'll choose a Madison dish. Contenders include the buffalo chicken egg rolls from AJB, and if I'd ordered the Sardine bistro dog (rather than stealing bites from Kristine), it might have won. But my Best Thing this month was the G on an everything I had at Gotham just before Thanksgiving. Full of melty cheddar, hot capicolla, and a crisp-edged egg, it was the best G I've had in a while.

I'll be back to this column in the not-too-distant future for the December edition--which I promise won't be as late. Until then, sincere thanks to all of you for reading.

Top Chef Texas - Don't hate the player...

2011-12-14T22:56:00.001-06:00

Heather has heard that you might have opinions of
your own; she's got a better, more rustic idea.

Remember how Heather was kind of butthole last week? Yeah. Good times.

This week was Heather's ego going critical mass. And I'm frankly kind of pissed, because this episode should have hit my sweet spot. A Quickfire featuring food/booze pairings (tequila, specifically), and an Elimination of game meat cookery? Sign me up.

But noooo, instead I've got to witness Heather bossing Beverly around -- because you know they just happened to get paired up for the Elimination Challenge. And of course this was a double elimination episode, and one where there was no real sure-thing team and all of our favorites were paired with someone who could bring them down.

It was a good episode for one fella, though: the umlauted one, Ty-Lör. His confidence with tequila (he's been to Jalisco!) resulted in a Thai-style clam dish with Don Julio 1942 that took home the $5,000 Quickfire win. Beverly's cold-smoked oysters outdid Heather's popcorn shrimp, as they should. Grayson stepped up with her Wisconsin roots, repping beer instead of tequila; her sesame-crusted cod still sounded decent.

The Elimination pairings were announced as essentially random (the person next to you is your partner), and each team had to prepare a game meat for a renowned chef at guest judge Tim Love's restaurant. Our chefs would be the judges, though. They were tasked with selecting the bottom three teams to face elimination, with both members of the losing team leaving.

By the time we got to that selection process, we'd seen a number of chefs comment on Heather's shitty 'tude, and the camera lingered for a not-brief moment on Edward as Heather railed on Beverly to make sure the dish didn't end up "too Asian". I feel like that's a dangerous direction to go, tiptoeing around accusing Heather of even a little bit of racism. But clearly she's getting on everyone's nerves, and I could see it going in any number of directions.

We also saw Chris Jones come up with another ridiculous MOTO-style concept before the recipe's finalized -- this one some sort of sweet potato chain that I still don't entirely understand -- that ended up failing miserably and tanking the elk dish he and Grayson put together. He's on thin ice in this competition.

But worst is Dakota, who fussed over her venison rack and ended up putting Nyesha's butt on the line for a seriously underdone chop. They were almost spared by Heather's bizarre ego meltdown at Judges' Table, wherein she brought up last week's challenge and her opinion of Beverly's shrimp processing skills, overall work ethic, and sense of self-esteem. It was skin-crawlingly awful, and I don't see how Heather's behavior could possibly be explained away by Bravo editing.

If it wasn't for the nearly-raw venison, Dakota and Nyesha could have won this week's challenge, I'm sure of it. Instead, because this was ultimately a game challenge, they're the odd team out this week. Of course, there's always that Last Chance Kitchen...

With ten chefs remaining in the active competition, and one more in the basement Top Chef fight club, I'm still going with Paul as my overall favorite. Chris Crary is coming on, and Ty-Lör (who took the Elimination win with Edward for their quail with pickled cherries and eggplant) seems to have his confidence back. Sarah is faltering, and Chris Jones has no consistency.

So here they are: my first odds picks for the winner of Top Chef 9.

Paul (4-1)
Heather (5-1)
Edward (8-1)
Lindsay (15-1)
Ty-Lör (17-1)
Chris C. (19-1)
Grayson (20-1)
[Last Chance Kitchen winner] (30-1)
Sarah (35-1)
Beverly (50-1)
Chris J. (60-1)

Next week, the show heads to Austin. Patti LaBelle does some singing, and Emeril's back. Let's see if the lack of sizzle in the preview means that it's a boring episode. I'm betting yes.

Top Chef Texas - Burned at the [insert pun on steak]

2011-12-14T17:54:00.000-06:00

God is watching: how many of you heard Chris Crary talk about how other chefs don't use roux for their mother sauces because they're too old-school -- and didn't roll your eyes? I better not see any hands, because that dude is a self-aggrandizing nut.

And then the judges come around at the end of the "riff on a mother sauce" Quickfire Challenge, and two chefs reply to the creepy-looking guest judge that they didn't use a roux for their sauce, and how in the name of god is it possible that Chris was right?

There were a couple "...holy cow" moments in this most recent Top Chef, in which the chefs had to first draw knives in the mother sauce challenge, and then group up to serve a boatload of steaks to a bunch of Texans at the Cattle Baron's Ball. No pressure there.

One such moment would be how much of a jerk Heather appears to be in the broadcast edit. She's busting Beverly down at pretty much every opportunity. She and Lindsay are turning into the villains of this season in a hurry; Lindsay sold Ty-Lör (cooking injured) down the river by blasting the steaks he'd par-grilled far too early, and she skated while he got put up for elimination at Judges' Table.

So I'm kind of rooting for Beverly now, what with the potential shitty treatment by the producers pre-shooting, and the crap she's getting from Heather for not going fast enough on 400 whole shrimp. (Those shrimp, by the way, were praised by the judges.) The fact that Heather ended up getting the win -- and a new car -- over Nyesha and Chris Jones by using Edward's cake recipe again only makes her superior attitude more galling.

(That peach cake with mascarpone and pecan streusel did look mighty tasty.)

The other "holy cow" moment was how brutal Tom Colicchio was with the chefs at the bottom during his final commentary. Whitney's gratin was sloppy and not up to Top Chef standards; Edward's asparagus salad was too simple and boring, and Ty-Lör got dinged for Lindsay's steak mistreatment. But Tom wasn't in a charitable mood.

"We chose sixteen chefs, and quite frankly I'm starting to think maybe I chose the wrong chefs. Usually it's really difficult to send someone home, but tonight, you really made it easy."

And with that, Whitney is sent out in the most gutting, blunt elimination I think I've seen in all of my seasons of Top Chef watching. Which makes her win in the Last Chance Kitchen all the more surprising. You did watch that, right? I really hope someone sticks around long enough down there to at least generate some momentum that justifies their eventual inclusion in the finale.

Tonight, more Heather-on-Beverly bullying, Heather-on-Grayson bitchiness, and a double elimination. Can Heather go home twice?

Top Chef Texas - Too rich for my blood

2011-12-07T19:35:00.000-06:00

Here's the problem: this was a pretty cruddy episode. Added to that is the fact that I've been pretty busy this last week, and you've got a late recap for events that I can barely force myself to remember. How awful were those "dinner party" scenes? How much did you empathize with Tom Colicchio? And how nasty does a cheese-stuffed salmon fillet sound? Come on, Chuy!

I don't watch the Real Housewives shows, not even ironically. They're horrendous, made worse knowing that even when the cameras and production trappings and sweeps schedules are stripped away, these people are probably still not very good people. Certainly not a crowd I'd willingly lower myself into. So this episode, with its vapid caricatures of Texas power couples, just made my brain shut down a little.

The juxtaposition of an Elimination round that catered (literally) to the Texas upper class with a Quickfire that had the chefs cooking with the meager fare and hardware of a survival pack could have been handled with some winking social commentary. Could have. It wasn't. Instead, we got the ewwws and yukks and "boy I ain't never seen this" of a Saltine/tuna/sardine sandwich standing in a pool of french onion soup with Vienna sausage chunks--like a stack of boxes you want to stay dry in a flooded basement. Congratulations (or something), Lindsay.

John Besh as a guest judge is okay, I guess. He strikes me as a slightly more down-to-earth, though no less toothy version of Bobby Flay: a golem of a chef, brought to shambling life solely for food television's sake.

The Chrisses got off really lucky this week. Chris Jones proved that not just any chef can throw MOTO technique and aesthetic out there and succeed; his "cigars" proved that really no one should ever make anything described as a cigar on Top Chef. (...Howie.) Meanwhile, Horny Chris Crary, when not cooing over the handsome John Besh, served up a ridiculous melange of various sweet things around a sweaty-looking cupcake.

My boy Paul Qui took home the win for fried Brussels sprouts with prosciutto; it's his second time at the top. Dakota served, with zero confidence, a tasty-looking and crowd-pleasing banana bread pudding; her dessert chops will either typecast her with the other chefs (her fear), or keep her around longer into the competition.

Look for Ty-Lör (RULER OF OMICRON PERSEI 8!) to either shape up or ship out; he's been scraping the bottom since the start of the real competition. The two Chrisses won't be far behind. Or ahead. And...if you've been keeping up with "Last Chance Kitchen", you know that big Keith finally ran out of steam and lost the secret chef's coat to newly-dismissed Chuy.

So, yeah. That was the rich folks episode. Coming up tonight, more blood, more big Texan meat, and from the looks of it, more beating up on Beverly. Stay tuned!

Top Chef Texas - The delicious sound of chili being poured from a height

2011-11-27T00:26:00.000-06:00

What did we learn in the pre-Thanksgiving episode of Top Chef? Well, we learned that Mary Sue Milliken would make a great recurring guest judge. We learned that Susan Feniger likes acid--probably not a surprise. We learned that Beverly is a total nut.

I'll tell you what I wanted to learn, but never did: whose breast milk is in the Top Chef House's fridge?? Seriously: did anyone else catch that, off-camera, when all the chefs were running in to start cooking their pots of chili? "Nobody touch my breast milk!"

Hey, maybe breast milk is the best relief for the burning heat of chili peppers (the star ingredient of this week's Quickfire). Maybe someone is lactating--my bets for most hormonal are Chris Crary, who appears to have a boner for anything that walks by; Beverly, who probably would cry if someone spilled her breast milk; or Richie (see previous).

Richie made an inoffensive Quickfire dish of scallops, and an apparently-delish cornbread side for the Elimination challenge, and then made a fine looking Frito-breaded pork dish for the "second chance to save your season" portion of the Elimination round--and still got sent packing. He wept. A lot. Into the bosom of his MOTO buddy Chris. It was a little awkward, especially with Richie's shuffling, looks-like-he's-got-to-poop gait.

This week's Quickfire was fun: prepare a dish highlighting one chili pepper, choosing from the selection in the kitchen. From anaheim to ghost, they covered a wide range of Scoville ratings. In addition, the hotter the pepper, the higher the cash reward for the winner. A nice concept, and the gamble paid off for one of my horses (Paul Qui of Austin, who was the only chef to use the ghost chili).

The Elimination challenge had the chefs teaming up in threes to cook a pot of chili for the Tejas Rodeo. This was hard for us Sconnies to watch, particularly my wife; we're Midwesterners, and not only do we like beans in our chili, but noodles as well. Elbow macaroni. If you're my wife, you like them as an independent bottom layer under the chili, a la Cincinnati style. In Texas, we'd be run out of town on a rail for that.

(That the White Team of Ty-Lör, Lindsay, and Grayson made a three-bean chili and managed to survive the rodeo, is a mystery to me.)

Blue Team (Heather, Paul, and Edward) made a winning pot of chili in my estimation--the pickled peaches sounded great and it was disappointing that Tom's Tom-ness in the kitchen took Heather off her game. But Green Team (Chuy, Sarah-who-is-from-Texas-by-the-way, and Chris aka The Todd) took the collective win.

It was another week with no individual winner; this--combined with the relative cruelty of making the losing team cannibalize their leftovers to salvage their competitive lives that the judges themselves acknowledged--makes this very loss-heavy season a bit hard to manage. The "Last Chance Kitchen" is maybe the counterbalance to all the dismissal-happiness, but it still represents another kick to the teeth of a chef who's been eliminated at least once already.

And speaking of "elimination", who loves to hear chili being poured from one vessel into another one a foot below it? Anyone? Yum!

Next week, Dallas. No, really, it looks like they're visiting the TV show Dallas. Timely!

EDIT: From an anonymous commenter (so take it for what it's worth) at The AV Club's recap of this episode:

I spoke to Beverly's sister, who happens to run the San Diego Asian Film Foundation. She says that Beverly had a new baby, still in the breast-feeding phase, when she got the call from Top Chef to get on a plane within 24 hours. Apparently this batch of chefs weren't allowed to contact their families during the filming, so she was an emotional wreck.

If that's the case, the Top Chef producers should be a little ashamed for leaving so much crying and breakdown in the final edits. It's cheap and exploitative.

Kyle Ate Here - The buffet style edition

2011-11-25T12:39:00.001-06:00

So, I'm almost a month behind due to a variety of circumstances, but my brain is steeped in food and food thoughts right now so hey! It's the October Kyle Ate Here post!

October was dominated, as you might expect given the length of my San Francisco post, by travel eating. It's hard to find a theme when the first three weeks of the month were a prelude to a long weekend of splurge. So it'll be an all-in-one blogging experience for this month.

The month started with a few first visits. Knowing it might be a bit of a cluster, we nonetheless joined the massive crowd trying to redeem their Groupons at Samba before they expired. The reservation process was less than smooth, to the point that I'm almost unwilling to excuse it on the grounds of sheer craziness. But they got us a table, and the meats more or less pleased. The dry pork was a total bummer and the prime rib was okay; the chicken and linguica sausage, however, were terrific. Hard to say it'd be worth full-price.

On the other hand, Luigi's--reborn on the near-west side--will definitely see us again. Nice, comfort food-y Italian. The pizza crust was buttery and loaded with cornmeal, and the white sauced pasta was rich and soft. Green Owl, Madison's only all-vegetarian restaurant, falls somewhere in-between. The cinnamon roll was meh and the potatoes were lacking in roastiness, but the Southern-style biscuits and gravy were at least a decent meatless facsimile.

We stopped at The Cookery during our annual Door County day trip; this was a first try, and a deviation from our usual lunch at Stillwater's. A brisk crowd filled both floors of the restaurant, and the whitefish chowder, house-made ginger ale, and respectable Reuben (served on white toast?) made the chance pay off well enough.

Unbeknownst to us, we sampled Tex Tubb's Taco Palace about a month before its near-west spinoff, Cactus Ranch, closed and was folded back into the pater familias. The sweet potato fries were pretty good, actually, and the recently-expanded menu looked nice. Of course, in keeping with Tex Tubb tradition, the actual food was a bit underwhelming. Stick around to see how the menu changes post-Cactus Ranch, I guess.

The best thing I ate

Our tradition will, of course, be respected here. Even with the free-form style above, there's still the issue of handing out October's kudos. Nothing, unfortunately, lived up to San Francisco's standards, but I did have one spectacular day of eating upon returning to Madison from the Fox Valley area. Johnson Public House added a Sunday Morning Breakfast Sandwich, with ham and maple syrup (yum); lunch that day was a work affair at Señor Pepper's in Oregon (a nice, cheesy pork burrito rojo); and the day ended with Kristine at Pizza Brutta. The Best Thing, however, has to be the Bada Bing white pizza at Luigi's. Bacon, fontina, and grilled asparagus? Madison's food writers are lining up for this one.

A sweet potato recipe that DOESN'T use marshmallows

2011-11-20T20:55:00.000-06:00

I cobbled this recipe together with inspiration from three sites: MyRecipes, food + words, and Pinch My Salt. It was served to a group of twelve diverse diners; some had rarely eaten or enjoyed sweet potatoes before, and one is gluten-averse. At the end of the night, the baking dish was empty.

Friendsgiving Hash

One large skillet

One large baking dish

3 medium-sized sweet potatoes, peeled and diced (1/2-in.)

1 medium-sized Granny Smith apple, peeled and diced (same size)

½ medium-sized red onion, diced

4 to 5 oz. chorizo, removed from its casing (diced to 1/4-in. size if a harder chorizo)

½ tbsp. ground cinnamon (maybe a little less, to taste)

8 fl. oz. chicken stock

2 tbsp. chopped pecans

pinch of ancho chili powder (maybe more, to taste)

pinch of smoked Spanish paprika (maybe more, to taste)

olive oil

butter

kosher salt

fresh black pepper

Heat a large skillet to medium heat, add a tablespoon each of butter and olive oil. Add chorizo, render out most of the fat. When chorizo starts to get a little crispy, remove to a paper towel-lined plate and reserve; leave the fat in the pan.

Add onion, season with a pinch of salt and a few grinds of pepper; cook until translucent (3 minutes or so). Add apple and cinnamon, stir to combine. Cook until apple starts to soften. Remove skillet’s contents to a second plate and reserve.

Add another tablespoon each of olive oil and butter to the skillet, plus about a third of the chicken stock. Add the sweet potato, plus a pinch of salt and a few grinds of pepper; stir to coat. Add chili powder and paprika at this point. Allow the sweet potato to cook for 2 minutes undisturbed.

At this point, preheat oven to 350.

Stir sweet potato, adding another third of the chicken stock, and allow the rest of the mixture to cook for 2 minutes undisturbed.

Add a little more stock (reserve a small amount), allow the mixture to continue cooking for 5 minutes. Add the apple/onion mixture, and stir to combine. Add the chorizo, and stir to combine.

Add just enough chicken stock to cover the bottom of a baking dish. Scrape hash mixture into the baking dish, leveling it off loosely. Sprinkle pecans over the top, and evenly space three pats of butter on top of it all. Bake in oven for 5-7 minutes.

Makes about 10-12 servings (1 c. each).

Top Chef Texas - Goat rodeo

2011-11-18T23:07:00.000-06:00

Well, I sure put the whammy on Keith, didn't I? Pre-cooked shrimp and pre-made tortillas? To say nothing of being the wrong kind of tortilla? I'd say something about prison food, but dude had to have earned his James Beard attention for something other than nutraloaf.

(I'll give you time to look that up.) (Also, do check out the second Last Chance Kitchen.)

I thought the Quickfire was cute, making all the squeamish chefs think they were not only going to have to dispatch a live rattlesnake, but coax it out of a friggin' mailbox. It was good to see the guest judge stick to his guns, giving the three simplest preparations of rattler the top spots. Dakota Weiss BS'd her "when I think of rattlesnake, I think of beer" line into a victory, but I would have picked weepy Beverly Kim's rattlesnake nigiri.

This season is clearly not going to be about outsized personalities; there are some real bummers in this cast. Chuy "Official Mexican Palate" Valencia, Paul "The Lone Lone Star" Qui, and Heather "Does Anyone Have a Mallet for This Cake" Terhune struck me as having good temperaments for the competition and all of its oddities.

It was nice to see the show return to elevated Mexican food; it seems like the last time we had this kind of challenge was Season 4, when Erik expressed doubts of Mexican cuisine's upper limits. Fortunately, everyone played nice for young Blanca's quinceanera. Beverly was clearly working through some personal issues, serving Mexican-by-way-of-Korean food, and totally losing her shit over the daddy-daughter dance.

Chuy cranked out two fine-lookin' dishes: a pasilla-balsamic BBQ rattlesnake, and braised goat birria just like abuelito used to make. MOTO's Chris Jones (total nerd, by the way, and not the cool kind--the Star Wars-quoting kind) impressed with a cumin-breaded rattlesnake in a Jackson Pollock presentation, and a really appealing mushroom empanada.

The Team With the Mexican took the win, though no single chef was credited with the grand prize. But then, being given a pass from standing at a really whiny, blame-gamey Judges' Table--way too petulant for the first real week of competition--was reward enough.

Sarah Grueneberg and Lindsay Autry botched the cochinita pibil that Blanca requested, and used store-bought tortillas to boot. Sarah gave up Keith Rhodes' shrimp screw-up (which would have otherwise been invisible since Lindsay never served them), and Keith had to own up to it with the judges. Ty-Lör Boring served a bad fritter, but his carne asada ensured that he was never in danger of elimination; his umlaut stayed in place.

At the end of deliberation, Keith was sent packing for a mushy, unrefined enchilada that didn't live up to regional standards of construction anyway. His poor judgment on the shrimp was probably what spared Lindsay the axe. Ah, but then the Last Chance Kitchen... I'll say that it's definitely the right choice to not tell the chefs about it until after they've been cut.

This week we got the clowns; next week the real rodeo--and more tears from Beverly!

Wisconsin and Minnesota cross coffee beer swords, or Make mine a doppio

2011-11-11T19:25:00.002-06:00

Packers versus Vikings? Badgers versus (I can barely say it) Golden Gophers? Pfft. How about Furthermore versus Surly in a badass beer-off? I happened to have both breweries' coffee beers in my refrigerator not too long ago, and thought it'd be fun to pit them against each other. Since there are two Wisconsin/Minnesota football matchups this weekend (and college hockey, too, with the Badgers faring well in both), what better time to see whose coffee beer kung fu is stronger?

Furthermore Beer is brewed in Spring Green, Wisconsin--about 37 miles west of Madison--and it holds a place very close to my heart. Sure, a really good beer doesn't have to do a whole lot to find my soft spot, but Furthermore Oscura was one of the two beers Kristine and I chose to serve to our wedding guests.

The brewery describes Oscura as a "warm-fermented, cold-lagered cerveza oscura", which I guess is kind of like describing the color red by calling it reddish. Oscura is cold-soaked with whole coffee beans in more or less the same technique used to make cold-process iced coffee. This keeps the coffee sweet instead of bitter.

The beer criticism site Beer Advocate gives Oscura a B+, or "very good", average out of 134 reviews. A couple East Coast knobs gave it a D, which is probably screwing up the curve. As far as specs, it's a beer with relatively low bitterness and density, and a moderate ABV, so you can totally have it for breakfast.

Where Furthermore is the home state beer with a schmoopy personal backstory, Surly is a flashy new toy that I'm developing an obsession with. After reading a handful of articles about the Brooklyn Center, Minnesota, brewery, I finally had the chance to drink some at Great Taste of the Midwest.

Surly is only distributed in Minnesota (similar to New Glarus in Wisconsin), so beers like Coffee Bender are only available to me when I know someone from Madison who's visiting the Twin Cities. Coffee Bender is brewed in the same fashion as Oscura (cold extraction), and is similar in terms of density, bitterness measurement, and alcohol by volume.

Furthermore is like the local band you love; Surly is the indie circuit smash hit. With all the press Surly gets, it's not too surprising that there are over 600 reviews for Coffee Bender on Beer Advocate; it averages an "excellent" A-, with only three D-level reviews. I point out the D's to demonstrate that these aren't really very polarizing beers. People generally like them. So how do they line up side-by-side?

I decided to be lab-precise with this, and open the beers at the same time, making notes as they breathed and warmed. Please remember: I am not a beer professional; my analysis may be completely for shit.

:03 after open and pour. First sip. What little head was there for the Oscura was pretty much gone. The body is thinner than for the Coffee Bender. The Oscura has some malty flavor along with the dark black coffee. The Coffee Bender retained its head, and its flavor was more of an espresso than black coffee. Coffee Bender also seems hoppier from the start, brighter.

:12 after open and pour. Wife samples both; likes neither.

:14 after open and pour. The zing has dissipated in the Coffee Bender. A sweeter flavor--malt?--emerges. The Oscurs holds strong.

:21 after open and pour. The coffee aroma of the Oscura is fading. It seems to be taking on some almost estery, banana-y flavors. The Coffee Bender is still strong with the dark side, and is leaving some moderate lacing on he glass.

:27 after open and pour. Wife, bound and determined to pollute the sensory environment, pops some popcorn.

:29 after open and pour. Oscura's lager characteristics are coming through now, with a little more of that pilsenery funk. Coffee Bender is largely unchanged by this nursing process.

:35 after open and pour. At this point, the coffee flavor of Oscura is really flagging, and Coffee Bender's profile is becoming reminiscent of a Coffee Nip. Neither appear entirely well-suiting to slow sipping.

:43 after open and pour. Oscura throws one last punch, with a blast of coffeeness at the end. Coffee Bender is finally shedding its coffee prominence, leaving mostly hoppy tang.

So, the verdict? I'm in Minnesota as I finish this post, so I'll be a little political. Oscura's original season is summer (though its popularity has expanded the production into a second season), so I'm more inclined to say that if you're out on the lawn, or a party late on a summer night on someone's deck or balcony, there could be nothing better than a cold bottle or pint brimming with Oscura's refreshing strength.

But, if you're more likely to be drinking a beer at a moderate rate, and maybe in the cooler months--like right now--then the year-round sweet, heady Coffee Bender is going to satisfy.

If you're my wife, this is more your speed.

I'll be political there, too, and say a cup of espresso would be just fine. You never want to start a border war with someone who sleeps right next to you.

Top Chef Texas - Deep cuts

2011-11-09T23:24:00.001-06:00

So now we have our familiar 16 chefs; it only took us two weeks to get there. Anyone else think we're going to see more double-eliminations than usual this season? (This "Last Chance Kitchen" online shadow competition seems interesting, but are they hiding the surviving chef away from the rest of the contestants? How did it work in the real world of filming?)

It seemed like there was a little more focus on the food this week, or else last week's food was really that underwhelming. I liked a lot of the big flavors at play, even if not all of them made it through. The seared trout with Asian tomato salad from Paul, Edward's duck chawanmushi, and Beverly's octopus nakji bokum all speak to some strong Asian dishes to come. (The eliminated short rib and oxtail were victims primarily of the cooking technique rather than their Asian flavors.)

This was the gut-punch round, though. Only four chefs were eliminated in the first and second rounds combined; today, five of ten competing chefs were eliminated before the bubble round even started. Another four were booted in that bubble round, including the 51-year old Laurent. I could almost hear Colicchio thinking, There's only enough room for one bald-headed, soul-patched chef in the Top Chef Kitchen, and it ain't you, Laurent.

Lots of references to the old ball and chain back home--or in Janine's case, the heartless bitch who dumped her over the phone after a commitment ceremony that fell short of a Shakespearean sonnet. And actually, everyone who focused on their significant others this week got booted: Janine, Chaz (whose 40-minute risotto never made the plate), and Ashley (wife of a Filipino man whose mother will have some disapproving comments over the strength of her oxtail kare-kare).

Happy to see Wisconsin-born Greyson make the cut in the bubble round--even if she never mentions her New Holstein roots on-screen. (They're right there on the Bravo website, Greyson. Just embrace 'em!) Beverly seems fun, and Lindsay reminds me just a little of another Lindsay I know; she also appeared to really impress Tom with her braised veal.

So at the end of these preliminary rounds, we can draw a couple conclusions. Seattle is down (0-for-4, Chicago is up (6-for-6). Gender is split 50/50, and everyone's under 40--though, in fairness, only Oldy McOlderson Laurent was over 50. Paul Qui all by himself carries the home state's flag going into the real competition, unless Andrew brings his A-game to the D-league of the Last Chance Kitchen.

And Edward, in slicing up his hand but good, proves that every single chef is tougher and more dedicated than Jamie Lauren. (Sorry Jamie, but we shoot straight here in Texas.)

Looks like a good crew this season, and if Hugh Acheson can get over his verbal affectations the judges should do well, too. Me? I'm reeling from the previews, just waiting to see Padma say "motherfucking snakes on these motherfucking plates" again.

Kyle Ate There, or I Left My Cured Tuna Heart in San Francisco

2011-11-06T10:26:00.001-06:00

I've included travel stops in previous Kyle Ate Here posts, but it just didn't seem fair to San Francisco to lump it in with Appleton and Door County (stay tuned!) restaurants. The first thing I did when we decided to visit our friends in SF was build a Google Map of potential restaurant stops. A city that inspires that level of planning deserves the full treatment--and this is kind of an epic.

The fact that one of our friends in SF is a meticulous planner and enthusiastic promoter of her city didn't hurt the development of a tight itinerary of eating. Despite landing in California well past what normal human beings would call dinner hour, we still ventured out from their Golden Gate Park-area house to the Mission. Chinese food was calling.

Mission Chinese Food is one of those places that plain has figured it out. Literally--the guys running the show out of a dingy storefront had never cooked Sichuan before opening MCF, working it out as they went. The result? One of Bon Appetit's ten best new restaurants of 2011.

Spicy buckwheat noodles with Asian pear. Hainam chicken rice. Broccoli beef cheek. General Tso's veal rib. Kung pao pastrami. This place is right up my alley, and it looks like is should be in an alley. Deep flavors, meats cooked and caramelized to delicious perfection, and a soundtrack split between gangster rap and the best easy listening of the 1980's--I didn't want to leave. That beef cheek dish was maybe the best thing I've eaten all year.

Hard to come down from that cloud, but how about a pub that brews its own beer, has an intricate and gorgeous design aesthetic, and looks out on the hot corner of Haight and Masonic? Magnolia is that place, and the cod and chorizo sandwich I had for Friday lunch speaks well of it. My wife had a watermelon salad that was nice, but come on. Chorizo, people. You know where my allegiances lie.

Friday night, though, was the centerpiece of the whole trip. The one place I insisted upon. The place we made reservations for weeks in advance. Chef Chris Cosentino's Incanto.

You've seen Tony Bourdain eat here on No Reservations. You've seen the chef on Food Network's Chefs vs. City. If Cosentino and his kitchen at Incanto have a claim to fame, it's odd bits. Offal. The kind of stuff my Fringe Foods brain gets all worked up over.

And brain it was for course number one--a brown butter-sauteed calf's brain (yes, a whole brain, creamy and hot), over buttery toast, topped with a smoked caper salsa verde that every single person at the table went a little slack-jawed over. For the main course, my second serving of pork belly in two days (after MCF) came crispy alongside polenta, squash, and smoked apples; I was going for a smoked theme, and it paid off. Dessert was a fig leaf panna cotta with quince that capped the meal off perfectly.

(Other plates at the table included my wife's cured tuna heart spaghettini--a kind of offal riff on carbonara; a special of sweetbread bacon terrine, breaded and fried; lardo with persimmon and pomegranate; and a ridiculous plate of goat two ways with potatoes, olives, and goat horn peppers. It was all terrific, and very reasonably priced--about $300 for four.)

Saturday, we were all over town. It started off well, with a luscious maple Bavarian log from Donut World on 9th (leave it to Kevin to sneak off and procure an illicit doughnut for me; he's a true friend) and a Blue Bottle double americano from Dash Cafe.

Due east to the Ferry Building on the Embarcadero, the Farmers' Market was a totally non-circular operation--strange for this Madisonian. But it was all good once I got some 4505 Meats in me. Their maple sausage breakfast sandwich is a glistening, rocket-hot bundle of sin, and I loved it. Even better are their chicharrones, which resemble nothing so much as meat cotton candy.

Meats-as-sweets continued with the Boccalone cured meat stand inside the Ferry Building. Co-founded by Chris Cosentino, Boccalone fulfills all your "salted pig part" needs. I could have filled my meat cone (not a euphemism) with nothing but their prosciutto crudo and been perfectly happy. That's not to say that the subsequent trip to In-n-Out (yes, Donny, my first time) was out of dissatisfaction. No, it just had to happen.

With all that, I'm still not sure how I managed to fit an Époisses-studded cheeseburger in there, but it happened. Heirloom Cafe, one of Bon Appetit's nine restaurants to visit in San Francisco, has an interesting atmosphere--sort of like a Victorian parlor in a modern art museum--and a tight, rustic menu. Brussels with bacon and a bacon-onion tart might make Heirloom sound like a trend-hopping artifice, but it's not. The comped bottle of bubbly--more of Lauren's networking in action--was just the bow on top of a really enjoyable experience. (And I swear I didn't realize I was following BA's advice on the burger.)

We did have to swear off a round of late beers at Monk's Kettle in deference to our full bellies, but I did at least get to drink a pint of Pliny the Elder on Friday night. Sunday--our last day--would be a "walk off the calories" kind of day. Before heading out for Muir Woods and a little winery-hopping, we stocked up with Beanery coffee and pastries and whatnot from Arizmendi Baking Co-op--holy corn-cherry scone.

And then, en route to Napa, something magical happened. Lauren, struck by the spirit, remembered a roadside sign she'd seen for a diner serving fried pies. "Lunch?", she asked. "Why are we still talking about it?", replied the menfolk. And thus did the Fremont Diner become our Sunday lunch stop.

It's slow, it's idiosyncratic, and there are about three different bottlenecks built into the experience, but man is Fremont Diner something amazing. It's a serious Southern food diner. Our friends, recent transplants to SF from Charleston, South Carolina, were over the moon. Pimento cheese on really nice crusty bread; biscuits crammed full of griddle-hot ham and peach jam; complimentary fried apple slices and onion rings--yes, yes, gods yes.

So, the pie at the end kind of got lost. We had to ask for it twice, and eventually took it to go. At least we were comped a slice of caramel cake for our trouble. Fremont Diner is country-style classics tweaked just a pinch here and there. See: horchata or salted caramel milkshakes, a Reuben topped with chow-chow, or a muffaletta with orange skin-infused fontina. Basically, there are little sheds and outbuildings all over and I want to move into one.

[[Deleted scene involving the four of us punching way over our cultural weight at three vineyards in Napa, and driving past--but dear lord, not stopping along--the murderer's row that is The French Laundry, Bouchon, and ad hoc.]]

The one negative dining experience of the trip came when we stopped at the very cute Oxbow Public Market in Napa-proper. I wasn't sure how much more I could cram into my face, so I decided to play it light with a rotisserie duck taco from C Casa. Upon receiving my (small, EIGHT DOLLAR) taco, I noticed the avocado crema was missing. The server/cashier noted that something appeared to be amiss, and took my taco back for remedy. I could see her telling the cook, who then went to the menu board to see if he'd really left it off. No, dude, I made it up. Heck, I don't even know what avocado crema is.

I have never been closer to playing the "I'm a food writer, and I know both how to read, and what avocado crema looks like" card. I didn't, but I thought about it for a second.

This would have been a bummer of a finale, but inspiration (always timely, it seems, in SF) struck. We're heading to the airport along the eastern edge of the peninsula, yes? What say you all to a quick detour for ice cream at Humphry Slocombe?

The dishes of Secret Breakfast (bourbon ice cream with corn flake nuggets), Blue Bottle Vietnamese Coffee, Caramel Apple, and/or Butterbeer (stout beer ice cream and brown butter ice cream blend) that we all kind of leisurely shared while a huge Halloween crowd filed in right on our heels speak the answer to that question.

Really. If the question is San Francisco, the answer is always going to be yes. For a food guy? It calls to me.

Top Chef Texas - Pack your speech quirks and go

2011-11-03T00:38:00.002-05:00

Howdy, Top Chef fans! I bet you didn't see this coming; frankly, neither did I. Let's make some blog magic happen.

Things are going to run a little differently than they did in seasons past. I'm not taking notes, so this will be more analysis than recap. Call it a spoon-drag of consciousness approach. And anyway, there's no way in hell I'm going to try to keep up with the bios of all twenty-nine preliminary contestants.

Many of these early hopefuls were pretty obnoxious, and the knobbiest of those range knobs was shown the sad side of the glass doors exiting the Top Chef Kitchen: Tyler Stone, toothful braggart who would have been subject to numerous Justin Bieber jokes from me had he advanced. (Let's see how long chin-wobbling Edward Kim and Janine Falvo's clenched jaw survive in the Stew Bubble.)

As a Seattle fan, I'm bummed that 75% of that city's chefs were dispatched. Especially Nina Vicente, who had the worst case of timer blinders ever, leaving the rabbit off of the plate in her rabbit challenge. My two early favorites--or at least the chefs I'm rooting for--are Nyesha Arrington, whose resume is impressive; and Keith Rhodes, who turned a prison education in cooking into a successful career as a chef.

Of the rest, I have mixed emotions. Two MOTO chefs are among the official 16; Chris Jones has an odd attitude, and Richie Farina walks like he has to poop. But I dig MOTO's head honcho, Homaro Cantu, so I'm hopeful that these guys can pull off some intriguing plates. Chris Crary is shaping up to be this year's Angelo, though I find it unlikely that Crary will grow on me in any way.

I am fervently hopeful that Ty-Lör Boring sticks around, because I want to see if that ridiculous umlaut wanders around onto other letters in his name, like Richard Lewis' mole in Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

But this is a show that's at least 50% about food. I thought Dakota Weiss (a chocolate/vinegar combo?) and Ty-Lör (who, seriously, looks like he should be bare-knuckle boxing with John L. Sullivan, and it was a fish-sauced rabbit that raised my eyebrow) did way too much monkeying with their food, and yet the judges loved both plates. Both my wife and I are dubious of Emeril's ability to be a stern judge, but I'm looking forward to Hugh Acheson's critical debut. Should be fun. [Edit: I'm told he was a guest judge on Season 2 of Top Chef: Just Desserts, but I wouldn't know, because I've steered totally clear of that hot mess.]

I liked Keith's trio of rabbit preparations, both for how appealing it sounded and how challenging it must have been. Molly Brandt (fighting the preconceptions about cruise ship cuisine) seemed to be a real sourpuss early, but Tom's cold-blooded axing of Tyler and his butchery of butchery scared her into a more circumspect mood. I wished she'd made the pork cheeks more prominent; everyone loves a prominent pork cheek. (Don't think it's just me.)

This episode ended with the final one-third left to cook, plus the bubble round to fill out the official 16. With 11 already slotted, that leaves (by my estimation) four chefs from the last group and one from the bubble chefs yet to move on.

Reserving final judgment on this season's cast until then, I bid you adios until next week. Here's hoping for a strong season!

An update fueled by candy and deadline-adrenaline

2011-11-01T08:06:00.000-05:00

As I clack away to meet a deadline that was hindered by my vacation (poor me), here's a note for you all. I'll have a special San Francisco edition of Kyle Ate Here coming this week, and the full Madison edition shortly thereafter. There will also be a special beer-centric post on ~~Sunday, 11/14~~ Saturday, 11/12, to coincide with the ~~Packers-Vikings~~ Badgers/Gophers game. [Edit: Wow, that was a train wreck.]

Gotta go eat another Twix now.

Kyle Ate Here - The landscape mode edition

2011-10-09T19:44:00.010-05:00

So yeah, I eat a lot of restaurant food. But even I have horizons that could stand to be expanded. For example, I decided recently--I think it was in September, actually--that I really need to get to know Milwaukee dining a little better. A lot better. As in, I know almost nothing about it. (I also had my first Chick-fil-A experience in September; while it doesn't really get counted for Kyle Ate Here, I'll tell you that it lived up to the hype for fast food.)

And truthfully, there are blind spots in my Madison perspective. But I'm trying to do something about that, and September was a good month for teaching my palate a thing or two.

Expanded horizons

For example: I've been doing more restaurant exploration in the Appleton area lately--not just quick-n-dirty. This is not to say it's all as great cuisine. The service at Wiseguys Pizzeria and Pub on Appleton's south side was excruciatingly slow, and the food was too salty. Still, it was more satisfying than the Georgian/Floridian chain Stevi B's, a Cici's clone designed to keep the kiddos distracted without the soul-numbing schlockery of Chucky Cheese.

Closer to home, my UW-Oshkosh self was finally exposed to the wonderment that is the UW Library Mall lunch cart scene. Yon Yonson, Monty's, and others beckon for future visits, but Surco, the new Peruvian cart did the trick for a first meal (also, hi Kate!). And I suppose it's sort of a cheat to say my first trip to Tipsy Cow expanded any horizons when it was solely to return to the loving embrace of the PBR-battered tilapia taco. (Its return was announced on 8/31, as a Thursday special.) (Yes, victory is sweet.)

Beaten path

Man cannot live on Tipsy Cows and PBR tacos alone, however, and the foundations of Madison dining must be respected. Willy Street is reopened now, but back in September the businesses down that stretch were still facing a tough row to hoe. We grabbed some Lao Laan Xang takeout despite living marginally closer to the Atwood location. Kristine erred on the side of spice, rendering most of her dish inedible; on the other end of the spectrum, my phra lam durn don (shrimp) was fresh and colorful but bland. Service at the Great Dane East wasn't all that impressive, but the Texarkana burger came off nicely.

I might have to start going to work via Willy Street now that things have opened up; the coffeeshop/bakeries I hit in September were both letdowns. After a number of disappointing orders, I am convinced that no one need ever order breakfast sandwiches from Java Cat; my wrap was an insult to the bacon it contained. Heritage Bakery and Cafe has added Sunday hours--which is a good sign--but is now selling their morning buns into a second day, albeit at half price. This is less good. The addition of a (good) local coffee to their otherwise-mediocre offerings can only help, and I hope they can make their oddball location work.

The best thing I ate

There are four clear contenders for Best Thing this month. Obviously, PBR fuckin' tacos are right up there, even if the smooth salsa of old was replaced with a chunky and boring pico. Surco's aji de gallina was a huge dish for $5, and the raisins and walnuts made the whole thing just plain work. A pre-late shift lunch of chorizo tacos from Antojitos El Toril was everything chorizo tacos should be: oily, salty, spicy. But I think the blueberry pie at Graze will take the...cake? The blueberries tasted like blueberries, the crust was well-composed and knew its place, and there wasn't a mass runoff of watery goo--the perfect way to send summer off into the sunset.

[And if you haven't seen it yet, there's a new review posted up and to the right over there. Some of that pizza dining was done during September.]

Low-brow foodie heaven, and the best day ever

2011-09-22T19:02:00.010-05:00

There are few things better than for-no-good-reason days off. Kristine and I are fortunate enough to have leave time to spare, and decided to take a day trip to the northern reaches of Chicagoland. A little retail therapy at IKEA and Mitsuwa seemed in order.

And on the way down, my lovely and brilliant wife asked if we needed to look for a Chick-fil-A while we were in the Chicago area. (Chick-fil-A doesn't get any closer to Wisconsin, and neither of us had ever experienced the phenomenon.) With Swedish meatballs and Japanese candy already on the menu, this was looking like a pretty solid outing.

We hit IKEA at about 10:30, and wouldn't you know it? The restaurant is on the third floor, exactly where we started our shopping. Meatballs for me, mac and cheese for her, and I'm kind of blissing out. I don't think IKEA meatballs are a guilty pleasure, exactly, but they are definitely buffet-style junk food. Still, a great combination of sweet and savory.

A bag full of goodies later, we disembarked from the blue mothership and consulted the internet for the closest Chick-fil-A. Turns out, it's right down the road from IKEA. "I don't care if I just ate, I'm eating again," said the discerning food critic.

The reason this location of Chick-fil-A, while appearing on the company website, didn't show up on Google Maps is that it just opened on September 15. As a result, those red-and-blue flashing lights and cops directing traffic weren't so much there for accident recovery as they were for crowd control. Yes, there were two lanes of drive-thru and both were packed. The pedestrian line poured out the door. (Shades of SONIC's debut in the Madison area.)

Nevertheless, we managed to get into the line, and in short order, two chicken sandwiches were ours. Finally, I have perspective on what Wendy's and McDonald's are taking on with their less-processed chicken breast sandwiches. These things actually tasted, looked, and felt like chicken. Good chicken, not dry, stringy chicken. I'm ready for a Wisconsin location, thank you.

It turns out that Schaumburg has become a little slice of low-brow foodie heaven, because IKEA, Chick-fil-A, and the all-in-one Japanese market Mitsuwa are in a line, more or less--like an Orion's Belt of "I really shouldn't eat like this".

Our radar at Mitsuwa is still tuned primarily to the candy and sweets section. This used to be true because we were in over our heads with the rest of the grocery offerings (unless our Japanese friend Emily was there to guide us). It's still true now, but not because of culture shock. It's because we know we can get most of Mitsuwa's core offerings at markets in Madison. So we're magnetically drawn to the candy that we can't find anywhere but the internet.

With three packages of HI-CHEW in our pockets (actually two HI-CHEW and one Kanro), we made a quick exit from the bustling Mitsuwa. This, along with a stop at the slightly absurd but irresistible Belvidere Oasis, would have been a pretty good day. A great day, even.

But then we got back to Madison. And, after a few errands, we discovered the best part.

[EDIT: Holy crap. I was in such a hurry to finish this post before the delivery guy got here, I completely forgot about the bag of meat! For a mere $35, I made two pounds of locally-produced charcuterie my very own, thanks to the Underground Food Collective. Stay tuned for another 2-pound meat CSA offering next month. Can't tell you how jazzed I am about the nduja. Now, on to the thrilling climax!]

The skimpy, crowded bit of Sprecher Road that runs under the Interstate, that's been under construction forever and will be forever--that's a nightmare to navigate in the winter--has finally been remedied. In an email a few months ago, I told our alder (council president Lauren Cnare) that what I really wanted was a temporary blacktop lane to spread traffic out. Just a little loop off to the other side of the support columns, to give people some breathing room.

And now it's there.

LOOK, MADISON, AT WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU.

I'm serious, this is the best day ever. I'm gonna go eat some more candy.

Kyle Ate Here - The even-hotter town edition

2011-09-15T08:35:00.003-05:00

It's hard to imagine, on this 30-something degree morning in September, that not too long ago it was 90 degrees outside--and 104 in my little library. But it was indeed, and man, does that kind of swelter take the initiative out of just about everything. This is why I get fatter in the summer, defeating the usual winter bulk-up trend.

(Actually, I get fatter in the winter, too. I'm just generally getting fatter; to every food there is a season, after all.)

The twin concepts of hot spots and comfortable, lazy haunts guide this edition of Kyle Ate Here. A few new places were tried, a few scenes were made, and yes, there was sushi, too. Isn't there always?

Hot spots

As many have in these late days of summer, I visited Dumpling Haus at Hilldale for a lunch with my wife. Many dishes, I'm told, hail from Yen Ching; it's a parent kitchen for the Haus. The Haus pork can move out of its parents' house any into permanent DH residence any time; even Kristine ate the fat, and she never does that.

Restaurant Muramoto was bustling for a Friday night dinner stop, full of twentysomethings; I rejoiced at the reappearance of the gunsmoke roll. We also joined the crowd of people using their about-to-expire Groupon at Cilantro. A bit dry and characterless, this was not as enjoyable. Nice chips and salsa, though. Brunch at Sardine and a late Friday night at Graze added to our hipness quotient for the month. My Limburger and salami sandwich at Baumgartner's stand at Great Taste of the Midwest, less so--but the massive crowd spoke to a different kind of cool.

Lower degrees of difficulty

Ain't nothin' scene about Carnival's, but damned if it doesn't make me happy every time I go there. The mushroom and swiss burger is a thing o' beauty. The most disaffected server ever dampened an otherwise-celebratory stop at Alchemy; seriously, I think she might have been an actual zombie.

The bloody Mary at Weary Traveler was spicy-hot, but the brunch crowd was small and chill for our group. The bacon proved to be a tripping point, but the staff rallied and made right--plus, it was real good. A plate of fried calamari at Hawk's was nothing fancy, but appropriate for its time and place. (If Appleton's Cena, which I also visited in August, was in Madison, it would be Hawk's. This is fine.)

The best thing I ate

This is really challenging. The deep-fried bacon on a stick at Great Taste (via The Smokin' Cantina) was glorious, and that Haus pork was luxe and wonderful. But neither--made of pig parts as they are--can compete with memory and nostalgia. And here, Bandung steps in and takes the prize. We'd gone eight-some years in Madison before trying this Indonesian spot, and since my dad was born in Indonesia, this delay itself is kind of a crime. But their starter menu includes hot, crispy-fried krupuk udang--shrimp chips--and these take me way back, to my dad at the stove. I lost my dad in 1996, but this reintroduction to shrimp chips brought back the best of warm memories.

A tale of two faces: George Duran and the Sotto Terra Incident

2011-09-07T10:55:00.001-05:00

I'd like to tell you the story of two food personalities. I won't say "chefs", because for different reasons the label doesn't fit either one.

They're both a little portly. They've got an Everyman kind of charm without being either clownish or misogynistic. They each get a television show wherein they interact with innocent bystanders and challenge people to eat things they wouldn't normally eat.

Except one man's show only lasts a single season before being cancelled. The other man's show, which started two years after the first, has lasted for three years and four seasons.

This is the story of George Duran and Adam Richman.

So how unlucky does George Duran feel today? His Ham on the Street for Food Network was this close to achieving the success Adam Richman has with Man vs. Food on the Travel Channel. Maybe we should feel empathy for Duran, since his concept was much more focused on sensible, mostly real-world eating, while Richman's show embraces conspicuous consumption and (frankly) overeating. Duran fought the good fight, and lost--no shame in that. And after all, Duran is an actual chef! Richman is an actor who likes food.

But how, then, do we reconcile the latest news? The news that George Duran hosted an invitation-only dinner at a supposed pop-up restaurant in New York, only to pull back the curtain at the end to reveal that the entire premise was a promotion, a focus-group ambush for the benefit of Marie Callender's Frozen Entrees?

What is it about failed TV chefs that makes them think the way back into favor is to endorse frozen food? And in Duran's case, shouldn't someone have thought, Maybe we shouldn't invite a bunch of food bloggers to this deal? It's a PR event, after all. Invite PR people, TV execs. Not snarky denizens of the internets.

Somewhere, Adam Richman is looking down at his 20-egg omelet with a Reuben and two cream puffs inside and smiling. He's being genuine; he's doing what he says he's doing. He's not inviting people to a meal with a promised "surprise" at the end, and then delivering the surprise in a way that undercuts everything else he's said about fresh food, and seasonal food, and good food. That's not what chefs do, but it's what George Duran did.

And when you do that, this is what you get. You get crushed--cah-RUSHED--by bloggers for the dissembling performance, for the two-faced shillery, for the sheer absurdity of the bullshit. And you're going to take every lump, George. Because you've earned it.

Kyle Ate Here - The second anniversary edition

2011-08-14T21:26:00.004-05:00

Two years ago, July turned into perhaps the most important month of my year. My birthday's in May, and October holds a lot of value for Kristine and I (her birthday, and our dating anniversary). But July 18th, 2009, was the day July trumped them all. We married after 11 years of dating, and suddenly July was anchored in our own little firmament as a Big Deal.

This July's dining calendar was dominated in one respect by Jimmy's American Tavern, my most recent review for Isthmus--it's linked in the sidebar to the right. But while some new experiences in Madison and beyond certainly made July noteworthy, there was one dining experience that quite simply destroys the curve.

L'Etoile

Five years ago, there's no way I'd have guessed that Kristine and I would be one of the couples who returns to L'Etoile for an anniversary dinner each year. But after last year's amazing experience at the end of 25 North Pinckney, we couldn't resist. Four courses later, we're hooked for sure.

An amuse bouche of slightly deconstructed gazpacho was playful and vibrant--it's always nice to start a meal with a laugh. Salade Lyonnaise for her (the smoked mushrooms a pleasant surprise), beef carpaccio with pea vine and equally outspoken pickled mushrooms for me. The midcourse was an easy choice for Kristine; a delicious reprise of her favorite dish from our honeymoon, tempura-battered squash blossoms. I loved the drunken Gulf shrimp in a Tyranena Three Beaches Blonde Ale and XO butter sauce; the hunk of soft pretzel was an absurdly glorious addition.

The fruits of the seas/oceans/lakes were the order of the day on this particular menu. Corvina done in a Mediterranean style and a bucatini di mare both sounded tremendous, but Kristine chose the rockfish with two treatments of cauliflower (truffled purée and caramelized); it was lovely, atop garlic-braised collards. I continued my roughly Asian through-line with a Chinese takeout-style feast: rare seared duck breast, radish pods, broccoli, snow peas, sweet onion fried rice topped with a hen egg, braised bok choy, and a tart cherry sweet-and-sour sauce. It was unparalleled in the world of Column A/Column B Chinese food, and yet entirely reminiscent. Every bite was another little celebration of Chef Miller's imagination.

Three courses of professionally unimpeachable wine pairings were the icing on the cake, and the desserts, coffee, and complimentary petit fours wound the meal down in all the right ways. Whenever we think of this meal, we wonder if it would cheapen the anniversary experience to find other reasons to treat ourselves. We're beginning to think it'd be a shame not to.

The rest of July

Barbecue at Papa Bear's on Independence Day (glad to discover they were open on maybe the perfect holiday for BBQ), and first visits to Bea's Bonnet (holy sandwich cookie!), Harold's Chicken Shack (an over-cooked letdown), Restaurant El Pastor (acceptable), Habanero's (will likely replace 60-80% of my Chipotle trips), and China Inn (forgettable but for the fried sweet biscuits) made for a very educational July. The pulled pork at Brickhouse was an imposing mountain of meat; it generated three meals. The Old Fashioned has a couple new burgers since our last visit; the spicy burger is indeed hot, and any burger from the Old Fashioned kitchen will satisfy, ultimately.

Venturing out of state for the first time in a long while, Kristine and I visited friends and took in a couple meals in the Windy City. Sunday brunch at Kitsch'n was crowded (though not as much as previous visits to Toast were); the bloody Mary was far blander than a chipotle bloody Mary has any right to be, and my chicken and waffles (appropriate for a diner on Roscoe) were okay, but that's about it. Dinner at the recently-reviewed Owen & Engine (three stars from the Tribune's Phil Vettel) was much more successful. Reminiscent of the charms of Underground Kitchen, O&E's British-tinged pub fare was dark and hearty, the ginger beered house Pimm's Cup bright and enlivening. There was a funeral home next door with a truly gorgeous front door; I wanted to open a lounge in there just to sop off Owen & Engine's happy excesses.

The best thing I ate

This is a little unfair. Pitting China Inn's sweet fried biscuits--simple, but the Platonic ideal of fairgrounds-style fried bread, served at 10 for $4--against anything from one of the country's 50 best restaurants would be a challenge to even the judges at Westminster. And what of the No. 6 lazy Susan at The Old Fashioned? Braunschweiger, pickles, two Widmer's cheese spreads, smoked trout, creamed herring, and sausage? Ye gods, yes. Even the sausages from Brickhouse hold some electors in their sway. The compromise inherent in marriage tells me that I should choose L'Etoile's zucchini blossoms; Kristine loved them, and truthfully so did I. But dangit, I'm still my own man! I choose beer and pretzels! The drunken shrimp were rich, hot and even though there were no heads to suck, they were still a little naughty. Sopping one's plate with a piece of bread feels more than a little gauche at such a fine restaurant, but damned if I didn't do it anyway.

Kyle Ate Here - The hot town edition

2011-07-17T09:47:00.002-05:00

I'm holed up in my basement, taking cover from a blanket of oppressive mid-July heat, and after many delays, I can finally bring you the June edition of Kyle Ate Here. It's not that I was really that busy; we were just kind of in the midst of a major Star Trek Netflix marathon, and the laptop was conscripted into full-time streaming duty.

But we're doin' it Blu-Ray style now, and the fact is: June had some mighty fine eating. The first day of summer comes in the middle of June, so if you'll forgive the somewhat thin conceit, I've divided up June's dining experiences along similar lines.

The Cold

As has been the tradition for three of this year's six months, I began June at Underground Kitchen--this time with Paula Forbes of Eater. She's a former Madisonian, and we chit-chatted about the changes to the town over a great charcuterie spread, as well as a terrific smoked whitefish salad. We dined al fresco, and though the wind tried to blow our menus away, we enjoyed it all with gusto.

Sushi was on order throughout much of June, with a stop at Sushi Muramoto for lunch with Kristine, and two takeout orders from Takumi. Muramoto's summer cocktails are tremendous, and I officially cannot get enough of the salmon skin roll. I couldn't help notice the very testosterone-heavy composition of the takeout crowd at Takumi--of which I was but a fraction.

The Hot

I had a decent slice of Ian's steak fries pizza at the relaunch of Walkerville (a hot summery night, indeed), and a massive bowl of phở for lunch at Saigon Noodle--our first trip there. (The cold spring roll and iced Vietnamese coffee were equally delicious, but belong in the previous section.) Breakfast sandwiches at Johnson Public House convinced me that this place is for real; their sriracha mayo is little miracle--why doesn't every sandwich have this on it?

After undergoing surgery to repair a deviated septum, it took a few days to get my sense of taste back. A Maharani feast with visiting friends was just the ticket. A week later, I was able to appreciate more subtle flavors at Bonfyre; the unsubtle service was the subject of a previous post. On the 24th, Kristine and I took my cousin out for a dinner at Underground Kitchen as a good-luck gesture for his post-graduation job hunt. We shared the wonderful pretzel dogs, and I enjoyed a plate of sauteed greens with bacon and a duck egg; it was a delight for all. Six days later, the building that houses Underground was effectively gutted in a massive fire. It is unclear whether or not the building--and thus the space that Underground worked so hard to create--can be salvaged.

The best thing I ate

It's tough to transition from such a down note, but as Underground persists, so too will this post. I'm tempted to choose the Otto sandwich from Fraboni's Deli; as it came via the food cart at UW Hospital after my follow-up appointment, it was celebratory as well as delicious. And that Vietnamese coffee at Saigon was equal measures amazing and energizing--holy caffeine! But this month's best thing is, in fact, dessert. The bananas flambé chocolate from DB Infusion Chocolates is a perfect simulation of bananas Foster, encased in deeply satisfying milk chocolate. I recommend getting one before the entire city melts this coming week.

I'd Tap That: comparing the merits of four Twitter apps

2011-07-05T19:52:00.002-05:00

I have something of a problem. I collect Twitter apps--and not the obvious, freebie ones like Seesmic and Echofon (though I have tried those as well). My collection of Twitter-related apps is made up of Tweetlogix, Tweetbot, Osfoora, and the official Twitter app, plus Trickle (a boutique app that only displays your timeline without allowing you to post) and Boxcar (a notification app for the unofficial apps that do not offer push notifications). I've been on the verge of buying Icebird, too, but have so far resisted.

I bought most of these in a short span of time at the beginning of the year, when the official app delivered a real flaming turd known as the Quickbar, aka Trending Topics Bar, aka Dickbar. (No one liked it, and I truly hated it.) I eventually settled on Tweetbot, but since all of them have updated multiple times since February, I thought a revisit was in order.

The four-day Independence Day holiday weekend provided a nice opportunity; I invested one 24-hour span to each app, and tried to be cognizant of the pros and cons of each app in relation to each other. Here are my thoughts, from worst to first. NOTE: these pros and cons are relative to the way I use Twitter apps. YMMV.

Osfoora
I had really high hopes for this app; it was the first one I turned to after breaking up with the official app. Its interface is stylish, its icon is simple and non-cute--not to mention reminiscent of the old Tweetie app icon. But not long into using Osfoora, I noticed that the developer was kind of MIA, despite a blog and a Twitter account designed to receive and respond to feedback.

Pros: Aesthetically pleasing; full landscape support; smart(ish) gestures distinguish a single click from a hold-down when tapping individual tweets.

Cons: Dates are only shown in generic relative time (old tweets read as "months", not even "months ago" or "x months ago"); no symbol in profile view for protected or blocked accounts; no tappable links in timeline view; Boxcar notifications point to a blank composition window rather than the notified message; not all @-replies are shaded differently in timeline view; color preferences for menu screen are still flip-flopped after multiple updates (selecting 'Pink' results in blue icons, and vice versa); no composition from one account into another; graphics refresh in a clunky and inelegant fashion when updating list timelines, and switching from landscape to portrait mode; accessing conversations is relatively user-unfriendly; trying to view what the Twitterverse is saying about Osfoora is almost impossible thanks to the self-aggrandizing #nowplaying feature that adds an Osfoora mention in every generated post--you have to weed out the Bieber and house music tweets to get to the user conversation.

Verdict: Can you tell I've become quite disillusioned from Osfoora? The developer emerged from his hidey-hole to remind everyone he's a grad student and doesn't have a lot of time for the app right now; he might as well have said "delete this app now, or learn to live with disappointment." Not only will I not use this app, but I'll probably delete it. (I'll still keep it on the MacBook, and apparently this new cloud functionality will preserve my purchase indefinitely, but still.)

Twitter
The official app of Twitter used to be Tweetie. It was the first Twitter app I purchased--the first one I used, in fact. I bought Tweetie 2 when it came out, even though rebuying kind of irked me. And when Twitter acquired it and rebranded it, I thought, "You go get 'em, little guy!" Even Facebook bit Tweetie's style with pull-to-refresh (they actually copied Tweetie's code wholesale for their iPhone app); now every Twitter app employs this how-did-we-live-without-it functionality. But now…now. Well, absolute power and all that.

Pros: Lateral swipe for a variety of functions (RT, star, reply, profile view); useful Profile view with an intuitive layout; built-in push notification; free.

Cons: Lateral swipe function doesn't always work when selecting multiple actions on the same tweet (say, starring, then RTing, then replying); extremely laggy and sluggish; DMs have proven buggy in the past, resistant to deletion or marking as read (I don't know if this is still the case, as the 24-hour window provided no chance to test); truly obnoxious Top Tweet window in the Search view; fun and occasionally useful third-party integration with Overlapr and Followcost has been removed with recent updates; visually boring; the tone-deafness of developers too far removed from the users they're serving (see: Quickbar).

Verdict: Barely worth it, but it's free, and it's got push. If you can deal with the ways this app panders to the silliest uses of Twitter, and the occasional slogging performance, then you could certainly tolerate this app overall. This is the kind of endorsement third place earns.

Tweetlogix
When Osfoora was hit with a case of the crashsies, I switched to Tweetlogix. It was stable, offered similar functionality relative to the official app, and the developers were acutely aware of their user base and replied quickly to Twitter questions. The icon kind of stands out on your iPhone's screen, but it's okay; apparently, the old one was worse. (One GIS later, I learn that it was at the very least uninspired, but by no means horrid.)

Pros: Lateral swipe function similar to the official app; tappable links in timeline view; responsive developers; truly useful organization of followers/followees.

Cons: Thumbnails in timeline view can take up a lot of real estate (like when @gachatz live-tweeted 25 pictures from his Thai menu practice dinner at Next); usernames the same color as links in timeline view makes things kind of melt together visually; either show the username of the retweeter, or the thumbnail profile pic overlay--but not both; bubble view of tweet detail doesn't wow me, nor does the amount of space the conversation view takes up; still no ability to compose for one account while in another, though the developers say this is coming in the next update.

Verdict: Tweetlogix takes second place over the official app almost solely on its size. By this, I mean both that it's slimmer and sleeker than the official app, and the developers actually pay attention to what their demographic wants in a Twitter app--this is due in large part to the size of the operation, and how much it needs to keep users happy. A responsive developer will always pay off; you can do much, much worse than Tweetlogix.

Tweetbot
This is the baby of the family, having only been officially launched in the App Store in April. It's pretty slick, utilizing smart gestures as well as a multi-tap functionality that is absent in the other apps in this test, if not every other Twitter app out there. There are cool, robotic sounds that accompany various functions in the app, and the icon is charming if cutesy.

Pros: Swiping one way to see conversations backward in time, or the other way to see conversations forward; tappable links in-timeline; compose to one account while in another; fairly smooth Boxcar interaction; updates have provided significant improvements.

Cons: Seems to use up API hits faster than other apps (quick-hitting Boxcar notifications won't always show up right away in the app, and while this is true of all four apps, it seems worse with Tweetbot); very occasionally crashes; notification lights in-app sometimes don't come on when new tweets appear in timeline; landscape has been slow in implementing--still not available in timeline view; drilling into Search function is both unnecessarily laborious, and sometimes slow due to all the audio/visual foofaraw; double-tap access to hashtags/links/mentions in timeline view can be a bit haphazard when a tweet is crowded with multiple tappable phrases.

Verdict: The winnah! There are things I like about other apps, like Tweetlogix's Contacts-style organization of followers and followees, but Tweetbot does everything I want it to do, at least reasonably well if not excellently. My complaints are fairly picayune compared to the major failings of Osfoora and the official app.

Happy Independence Day!

2011-07-04T13:57:00.003-05:00

Just popping in to let you--my faithful Readers--know that I'll have a rundown of my Holiday Weekend Twitter App Test (between Osfoora, Tweetlogix, Tweetbot, and the official Twitter app formerly known as Tweetie) ready to post tomorrow. Wednesday will (hopefully) feature the June edition of Kyle Ate Here. And keep your eyes peeled for a new Fringe Foods column over at thedailypage.com; it will, of course, be linked over to the right on this very page, as well.

Now to turn my attention to the grill, and an adaptation of this recipe from Serious Eats. Be safe, kids!

Let the menu be the menu

2011-06-24T08:47:00.004-05:00

I've made a couple visits to Bonfyre American Grille since my review was printed in January of last year. It continues to be a reliable, generally enjoyable spot in an area of town with few other options.

That's why it has been really disappointing to see Bonfyre taking steps to be even less risky than it already was(n't).

One of the first signs of this was the sea change in the dessert menu, which went from fun, appropriately priced and portioned fare, to plain, unoriginal, and even cheaper shooter-sized trifles. All the character was sapped from that page of the menu in the interest of making sure every single menu item could be ordered simply and without surprise by every single patron.

I met my wife for lunch at Bonfyre yesterday, and experienced a powerful mutation of the usual doting, semi-pressing service that has marked most other stops there. This fellow, who has served us before, explained in detail every single dish--whether we inquired about it or not. When we ordered, he reiterated the manner in which the dishes were served, and asked if those characteristics would be acceptable to us.

This nervous energy isn't going to serve Bonfyre very well if it keeps up too much longer. (At the very least, it's going to hurt that guy's tips; lunch probably ran a good three to five minutes longer solely on account of his over-attention to explication.) The menu is big, it's diverse, and it's pretty clearly written. When the staff lingers over mundane details like this, it's going to feel to more and more diners like they doth reassure too much.

I still like Bonfyre; my food was good yesterday, as it has been every single time I've visited. But if the staff doesn't let the menu do the job it's supposed to do, the customer base is going to recoil a bit--and with good reason. If you were meant to explain every single part of a dish, why give me a menu at all?

Kyle Ate Here - The old edition

2011-06-11T18:21:00.003-05:00

So yeah, I turned another year older in May. I also did a boatload of work around the house--sanding and refinishing the deck rails, building a pergola, yard work, garage work--so the opportunities for going out to eat were diminished by both time, and a propensity to be sweaty and gross and not fit for public consuming.

I did manage a couple fine meals on the town, however, as well as two days in a row of pizza. (This is unprecedented.) And so, in honor of turning 33 years old, here are the top three and bottom three dining experiences of May.

The bottom three

I start with the disappointments because things always get better. And actually, the disappointments in May were rather trivial; no meal was a total letdown, and the missteps themselves were kind of minor. For example, Stalzy's Deli opened in May, in the former Africana space on Atwood Avenue--and to some acclaim. Their soft-open won praise, and I'll affirm the deliciousness of their corned beef Reuben. But the portions are a pinch uneven, and the $2.50 I paid for a whisker of mediocre potato salad needs to be remedied.

This post is probably the last time you'll see me write about Michael's Frozen Custard in a Kyle Ate Here setting; their food is fine, but they are criminally overpriced. I think I've finally learned my lesson, despite preaching it to others in the past: cherry floats and K9 custard only from here on out. There's a lesson coming on related to Madison Sourdough, too. I've had a number of bummer sandwiches here; their coffee, breads and bakery are terrific, but "fool me thrice" is kicking in.

The top three

As I said, the pros outweighed the cons in May, but three meals do indeed stand out. The first was in early May, in the throes of the complete overhaul of Williamson Street. Kristine and I finally made our way into a parking spot at Umami Ramen and Dumpling Bar for her first visit. We ate at the bar, tucked in the corner sipping on our drinks and sharing an order of pork buns. My miso ramen was terrific, and Kristine's tonkatsu ramen was as good for her as it was for me back in March. We bumped into friends on the way out, and exited to a gorgeous spring day.

The other two medal candidates occurred on my birthday weekend. I have made a promise to myself to never work on my birthday if I can help it, and the new Johnson Public House aided and abetted in my playing hooky. It was another beautiful day, only hotter, and the iced coffee was smooth and delicious. (The only complaint was a bit of iciness in the Sassy Cow ice cream in the generally lovely affogato.) The next day saw a trip to Underground Kitchen, which knocked not only my socks off, but off of my mom and stepdad. Goat seems to be a point of particular inspiration this season; in addition to some salami on the meat board, the cavatelli was perfectly soft and creamy.

The best thing I ate

Close friends may be wondering why I haven't mentioned the au revoir party for the extraordinary PBR-battered tilapia taco at King and Mane (now The Tipsy Cow); well, those close friends will probably also know why that meal had a specific black spot on it--I will say no more here. And an honorable mention goes to the fine purveyors of the bratly arts at Alt-Bratfest, turning a rainy day into a shining example of the intersection of food and politics. But the win, even over the goat cavatelli, goes to the pressed roast beef sandwich at Johnson Public House. Topped with caramelized onions and sriracha mayo, it is the perfect interpretation of a roast beef panino. I generally fly down Johnson Street without stopping, but I'm sure it won't be 34 before I stop by again.

Madison and the Overture Center: A blog duel

2011-06-03T19:13:00.007-05:00

A couple weeks ago, Wyndham Manning and I got into a lengthy discussion in the least appropriate space short of adjacent stalls--Twitter. 140 characters at a time, in blasts that rarely maintained chronological order when viewed from above, we debated the merits of Madison's Overture Center for the Arts, and whether Madison was a city that could support such a large arts venue.

This conversation was spurred on by comments from newly-elected old mayor Paul Soglin. His outlook on Overture is grim, and his plans apparently so distasteful to the Common Council that he has little hope of salvaging the current operational model in any form.

"The best I can do is put the community in a position that when this plan fails we might be able to right the ship," he says. "I do not know if we can. It may be too late by then."

"I am deeply concerned about it," he continues. "A majority of the council will not support the path I recommend, so the best I can do is just wait for this to crash and burn. It is going to be pretty horrible."

I'm not a fan of this outlook; it sounds petty. Images of scuttling ships, arson for the insurance money, and cutting off one's nose to spite one's face all came rushing into my mind upon reading it.

So there are two questions. Can Madison support an arts venue with so many stages and seats and such a large infrastructure? And secondly, should it ever have been built in the first place?

One of Wyndham's postions throughout our dialogue was that the 1,000-seat Capitol Theater, formerly the Oscar J. Meyer Theater, was "enough." All the big shows that have come through Overture--Broadway shows, major recording artists, other stage performers--could just as well have been carried off in the Capitol. The Overture renovation wasn't needed.

I took a semi-random sampling of the venues coming up on the tour for Wicked, a production that recently ran in Overture's 2,200-seat main hall. The Creighton Orpheum Theater in Omaha, Nebraska (population: 409k) seats 2,600. The Queen Elizabeth Theatre in Vancouver, British Columbia (population: 578k) seats 2,900. The Peoria (Illinois, population 115k) Civic Center seats a massive 12,000 for stage events.

The Wharton Center in East Lansing staged a production of The Lion King in which the 2300-seat capacity was barely enough, according to management. I don't think a thousand-seat venue is going to be able to draw the kind of production Overture Hall can attract.

And according to Rob Chappell from Overture (in a press release dated 5/24/11), those big shows are drawing a lot of bodies to the venue.

Sales, attendance and fundraising results for the 2010/11 season at Overture Center for the Arts exceeded expectations and bode well for the future, Overture officials announced today.

The total number of Broadway subscriptions -- ticket packages that included Wicked, Young Frankenstein, Legally Blonde and Les Miserables -- came in at more than 5,300 -- more than double the total for 2009/10. And total Broadway attendance exceeded 87% of capacity.

While Chappell acknowledges that these shows don't generate a lot of retained revenue--much, I imagine, like convenience stores don't make money on fuel sales--they do generate visibility and consumer loyalty.

In his email to Wyndham and I, Rob addresses one of Wyndham's other complaints: that Overture is a black hole of sorts, drawing attention away from the small venues and local artists that are either bleeding overhead or leaving town completely. "[W]e booked about 100 touring artist performances altogether and local artists put on about 150 here in our building," Chappell says.

Overture Center has a lot of seats and stages, yes. Could it have been developed just as well with one fewer? Maybe. But it's there now, and doing a controlled burn on the investment--like Soglin seems to be resigned to doing--isn't going to fill the seats at Bartell, or Broom Street, or the Project Lodge. It's a matter of efficient utilization; smaller cities than Madison have supported similar venues without letting things "crash and burn".

My example of choice is Appleton, Wisconsin. Appleton's population is just over 78,000. The Fox Cities Performing Arts Center, with two stages totaling 2,500 seats (2,100 alone in the Thrivent Financial Hall), still manages to put on the same Broadway shows as Overture.

Using the metropolitan area populations for Appleton and Madison (source: Wikipedia), there are 144 available citizens per seat at the Performing Arts Center. For Overture Center's 3,701 total seats (according to its online seating chart site), there are 151 citizens per seat. The PAC generated its first annual gain in 2010, after opening in 2002. The Overture Center opened in 2004, and its financial state is the subject of this entire conversation.

Poorly managed? Sure. Inefficiently utilized? At times, probably. I'm not an expert on the performing arts, so much of my position is speculative. But if, in eight years, little Appleton can generate an annual performing arts gain from a strikingly similar profile of shows and events, then I think Madison's Overture Center can do the same, even considering the hit the arts have to endure in a down economy.

I say "can", because it cannot--it will not--if the leader of Madison's city government would rather let the entire operation fail than engage someone else's baby (philanthropist Jerome Frautschi got the ball rolling during Sue Baumann's administration, and it was built during Dave Cieslewicz's) and make it work. While it is perhaps not currently supporting Overture, I firmly believe that Madison can.

Taste and memory

2011-05-31T22:59:00.003-05:00

Another Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, with the usual summery temperatures and unpredictable precipitation. This year the political climate added a new dimension to the change in seasons, and what used to be an assumed visit or two to Bratfest turned into choosing between any of three protest events in Madison.

I was out of town on Saturday, so Wurst Times and The People's Bratfest were out. But I'd staked myself to attending Alt-Bratfest during my totally-unexpected radio appearance, and even though the weather conspired against an outdoor festival, Kristine and I made the trip.

It was completely and wholly worth it. For $15, we shared two ample brats (Underground Kitchen and Merchant, though others were available) and a brat-seasoned pulled pork sandwich (Alchemy). A few cups of flavored tea, and we were won over. (My hope is that Joey Dunscombe and his fellow organizers stick with this one for next year; the one-and-done tease that was the Pork-Off was hard enough to get over.) It wasn't a strident protest, but in the midst of its success we were reminded of why we were there, and what we opposed in the giant effort across town at Willow Island.

In keeping with the fundamental purpose of the holiday, we stopped at Madison's Memorial Mile and made a donation. The Mile is an extremely effective installation designed to deliver the full impact of the losses we have sustained in our continued involvement in the war zones of Iraq and Afghanistan. I'm proud of Madison for displaying it, and for respecting it.

On Monday, we invited a dear friend who had to endure a beer-less cookout to our comfy patio for some brats and burgers. It was the best possible way to embrace the weather, and our modest level of prosperity, and the time we've been given to appreciate the good that we have in this country in spite of--and occasionally, because of--the bad.

As we gear up for recall elections and a long hot summer, the holiday weekend we just finished was the perfect prologue to kick off a reinvigoration of the palate, the mind, and the heart.

This space NOT intentionally left blank

2011-05-24T15:02:00.001-05:00

I just turned 33; it was no big deal. But mileposts are mileposts, and this one is as good as any to use as instigation to refresh my commitment to this blog. So I'm going to do my best, marshal my thoughts, and try to produce something worthwhile here again.

If you happen to follow me on Twitter--and also follow Wyndham Manning--you were treated to a far-too-long-for-the-medium conversation on Madison's bedeviled Overture Center for the Arts, the general arts scene in Madison, and how city government plays a role in fostering the growth of that scene. We ended the conversation with a friendly gauntlet-slap to produce a blog post on the subject in the near future. You'll find mine here; I have yet to determine where Wyndham does his blogging, but I'll be sure to give you a link once I do.

I'm sorry to say my time as a Top Chef recapper has probably come to a close. Not to say that I won't post thoughts on the empire as they come to me, but full recaps are a thing of the past, I suspect. It's just not an expenditure of time I can still support. But I'll see you all again soon, with something scintillating and fresh.

Or, just something. One or the other.

Kyle Ate Here - The...wait, it's what month already?...edition

2011-05-09T20:41:00.006-05:00

Don't ask me what happened in April (or why it's almost double-digits May for this post). It took me half the month to reconstruct my dining journal from memory, receipts, and online banking records. Something clicked off in my brain this month, and I just couldn't maintain any sort of attention span. (You may make your 4/20 joke here, if you'd like.)

My usual plan of attack is to find something to split the month into two general categories. While "What I remembered" and "What I had to look up" might work, it'd be an unnecessary and unintended slight on some of the places I needed assistance to remember. Instead, there's a more unfortunate division to April, one that does intend a certain critique.

What went wrong

Okay, "wrong" might still be too strong a chiding. Nothing got sent back, no sternly worded letters to the owner. But April saw many more disappointments than the usual month of Madison dining. Maharani's chilli chicken, a new dish for me, just didn't have what I want from Indian food (and I know, it's a bit of an oddball). Roman Candle's eponymous pie had a woody, stemmy banana pepper on almost every slice. While my first whitefish salad sandwich of the year at Gotham was amazing, the second was loaded with unnecessary (erroneously applied?) mayo. And I'm sorry, but is there a more overpriced--or slower--"fast" food experience in Madison than Michael's Frozen Custard?

The biggest slip-up of the month wasn't actually on my plate, but on the plates of friends around me. All of us were trying 43 North for the first time, and for brunch. The original chef has decamped for Chicago, and the former chef at Restaurant Magnus has taken his place. A great line of succession, but two plates of cold, nearly congealing bacon and a Cobb salad of far too many greens left members of our party wanting more. Others were much happier, but it was a surprisingly uneven experience.

What went right

A sumptuous feast of snacks at Graze--curds, truffle popcorn, charcuterie--kicked off the month, and that stuff was almost all good. (The cocktails, less so; let's say that Graze is falling far behind in a crowded field.) My two stops, the first two ever, at Atlantis Taverna were both great, even though the first was at the tail end of a wicked cold. And the eastsiders among you will want to hit up the morning bun at the new Heritage Bakery and Cafe, 'nuff said.

I lost my hubcap-sized pancake virginity at Cottage Cafe in April; loved it. And yes, there were PBR tacos at King and Mane. They're even starting to catch on--when a bunch of people in red show up, there will be PBR tacos for all. A trio of meals at Brasserie V over the course of the month were the dictionary definition of "what went right." Great beer, great staff, amazingly pink burgers and packed sandwiches.

The best thing I ate

Closing the previous section with Brasserie V is no accident. I loved my V Burger, the sweet and sour ramps alongside the seared black cod were terrific--but the Montrachet goat cheese tart with olives, roasted tomatoes, and greens was mind-bogglingly good. Creamy, smooth, rich but tart at the same time, and all framed by the lightest, butteriest crust you'll ever find. The morning bun from Heritage is really great, and my crispy pork belly with "Elvis" bread (peanuts and banana) and poached eggs at 43 North was something new and kind of amazing.

But that goat cheese tart was symphonic, something to remember.

Different porks for different forks

2011-04-15T19:41:00.005-05:00

Try looking up a recipe for pork spareribs. Winnow out the BBQ (a troubling thought, I know--but this is only an exercise). Set aside the Chinese recipes. What you're left with is a smattering of Hawaiian influences, and a bunch of outliers. What if you're looking for something else? Something...Germanic, perhaps?

Well, if you don't have sauerkraut handy, good luck. You're on your own.

This was where I found myself: two big packages of boneless pork spareribs in the freezer, and a hankering for that Germanic intermingling of sour, sweet, and savory. My wife is a good sport, in spite of some notorious missteps. (Let's not discuss my attempt at rabbit, okay?) I thawed one package and left the other behind in case this turned truly...unfortunate.

I whipped up a fairly ad hoc marinade of apple juice, maple syrup, Dijon mustard (in an approximate 6:3:1 ratio), a splash of Worcestershire sauce, and some minced garlic and shallots. It probably ended up being about two cups of marinade for five spareribs. They bathed for almost a day, and on my way home from work I picked up some Bavarian pretzels for a crust.

Since there aren't any recipes for boneless spareribs cooked this way--and for good reason, I suspect--I kind of winged it using some pork chop recipes for inspiration. In fact, there's a pretzel-crusted pork chop recipe on Epicurious, which proved especially helpful. I'm a food writer, not a chef, after all.

One side of each rib was dusted in flour, dipped in egg, and pressed into the Mini-Prepped pretzels. I'll say this: my mise en place apportioning was pretty spectacular. Didn't need to chop more pretzels, didn't need more flour or egg. I'm getting an eye for some of this stuff, at least.

Crust-side down, the ribs went into two frying pans (neither was big enough for all five), each with about two tablespoons of butter. Got 'em nice and brown, then flipped the ribs and put them into the oven, preheated to 410. While I was browning the pretzel side, I was rendering out some bacon fat for the side dish: Brussels sprouts.

The ribs would spend about 8 minutes in the oven (gotta love All-Clad pans), during which time I gave the Brussels sprouts the business, with a little minced garlic and brown sugar sprinkled in near the end.

Everything actually ended up being cooked properly, with two minor gaffes. The pretzel crust stayed in one piece, but that piece didn't adhere to the ribs themselves. It was a pretzel toupee. Also, this style of cooking doesn't properly dispatch the connective tissue that runs through the typical sparerib. As such, a couple areas of the finished product were unpleasant. Figures, my wife got those.

The flavors came through pretty well, too; unfortunately, neither dish was really to my wife's liking, which puts a damper on any meal. You want everyone at the table to be happy, and these flavors were much more in my wheelhouse than hers. But a fine plate of Brussels it was, with some rough-chopped bacon bits.

Couldn't quite please everyone with this one; I may try it again with pork chops rather than spareribs. But this time, at least, I was able to plate a dish that was actually edible and properly prepared. So there's that.

Kyle Ate Here - The marching edition

2011-04-05T09:20:00.004-05:00

March is a turning point. Winter gives way to spring, coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb. The Ides of March mark, in both history and literature, the beginning of the end of tyrannical regimes. Stuff happens in March--big stuff.

And so it was with the continuing drama of Wisconsin's labor movement. While I wasn't downtown quite as often as in February, I still spent a good bit of time in and around the Capitol (more around than in, as the building itself has seen unlawfully restrictive access policies since the first week of the month). The month falls away conveniently on either side of the March 18th issuance of a temporary restraining order blocking the implementation of the collective bargaining bill.

The bill is not law (3/1-3/17)

Savvy readers will recall that I let slip a fine bowl of guong chow noodles from Wah Kee; they started off the month on a fine, pleasantly oily note. A trip to Sushi Muramoto resulted in quite a few new tastes. The salmon skin roll is particularly nice, and the shrimp tempura lived up to the guilty pleasure hype that had been lavished upon it by friends.

There were, of course, a couple trips to King and Mane for PBR tacos, though throughout this month the level of service at K&M continued to decline. They really need to have more staff at the ready for busy periods, and to cover the physically-divided space. But the real discovery on the Square was the Blowin' Smoke BBQ cart. Their sliced pork sandwich was cheap, appropriately sauced, and endowed with a smoke ring sadly not seen often enough 'round these parts.

The bill is still not law (3/18-3/31)

Like Madison's weather, dining this month reversed the aphorism; coming in like a lamb, my March-in-Food went out like a hard-charging, hungry-for-antelope lion. It was, of course, completely pitch-perfect that Kristine and I were at The Victory Cafe when the TRO was announced by Judge Sumi. Their cherry and cocoa nib scone was a fine accompaniment. And were it not for PBR tacos, Underground Kitchen's pretzel dogs might have become the official protest food of #wiunion; as it is, co-owner Jonny Hunter tells me they're likely to never leave the menu at the rate they're being ordered.

A first trip to Umami Ramen and Dumpling Bar was very positive; Merchant's first impression was mixed--good food, decent drinks, and service that varied from nice (ours) to haughty (adjacent table). A return to our old Willy Street neighborhood for The Weary Traveler's infrequent and wonderful pork kee mow special very nearly came up empty; Eldorado Grill's brunch succeeded as it always does, though the service here was unusually weak.

The best thing I ate

This was the hardest call I've had to make in Kyle Ate Here's brief history. That salmon skin roll was great, and PBR tacos are like Michael Jordan: the greatest ever, but only winning MVP for six of 15 seasons to give Magic and the Mailman a shot. Ultimately, though the Hit the Trail pancake at Eldorado was pretty flawless, and the Blowin' Smoke 'cue hit the spot, there are two clear contenders: the Brussels sprouts with lemon at Merchant, and the hot link sandwich at Papa Bear's BBQ. Both were spectacular--the Brussels both rich and bright together; the hot link smoky, sweet, and massive. I'd order both right after finishing the first, but since the Brussels wouldn't kill me if I did, I'll give them the nod.

Now, off to the rest of the internet to watch election results come in.

Top Chef All-Stars - The pre-finale breakdown

2011-03-22T17:29:00.002-05:00

Poor Richard. He flamed out so hard in his first finale, and his attitude was so frank and contrite; did the "I fucked up, and can do nothing right" complex start then? And then the one criticism he receives in the first Bahamas episode (occasionally undercooked lobster), he doesn't believe?

Dude, are you trying to scare me off of my odds-on pick for you to win it all? Because this has all the makings of another spectacular crash-and-burn.

Regardless: I nailed the final three with my last revision of the betting lines. I'll admit, though: I didn't see Mike Isabella's ascendency coming. No way, no how. Whether he's got the judges bamboozled, or he's in Richard's head, or he's just on, dude is a serious threat to puncture my predictive balloon in the next two weeks.

And what to make of Antonia, once again becoming the Black Hammer? Her defense of straightforward cookery in last week's episode was honest, fair, and convincing. But is there a good enough justification to propel her past the developed flavors that Isabella's bringing lately? Or the creativity and daring of Richard Blais? Personally, I doubt it. But she's capable, I won't take that away from her.

The promo for this week's episode reveals some confusing drama; I honestly don't know what to expect. This season has, almost without fail, lived up to its promise. I hope the last two weeks continue to deliver. Or at least show more of Padma's model-walk in a bikini and sarong.

Kyle Ate Here - The solidarity edition

2011-03-02T19:30:00.006-06:00

There just aren't enough hours in the day--there's so much to oppose, and so much to accomplish. The month started quietly, but by the end of the second week of February, it was clear this wasn't going to be like any other time in my life to date.

The new governor of the state of Wisconsin introduced a piece of shameful, cynical, vengeful legislation that promised to harm me and thousands like me, and wouldn't you know? That actually managed to turn my entire life upside down, eating habits included. My Arabic genes are screaming for me to call our protests a peoples' intifada--just to throw the Fox Newsies into a tizzy--but I'll resist further temptation, and just call it an uprising.

Pre-uprising

My wife started February with a doozy of a cold. When she gets sick, she really feels it, and this required brothy countermeasures. Despite having lived a couple blocks away, we'd never been to Wah Kee Chinese Noodle and Restaurant until this month. Their noodle soups are terrific; American Chinese food staples like General Tso's, less so. I was also passive-aggressively schooled on pronunciation by our first visit server, which was particularly galling for two reasons. I normally try to be educated on basic pronunciation rules, and there was a typo in the menu that led me astray in one circumstance. Regardless, I recommend anything with BBQ pork--are you surprised?

A visit from an old friend brought us to Underground Kitchen again. Our server was a bit vacant, but the rabbit tagliatelle special (it was the night before Chinese New Year) was amazing, and the cocktails continue to impress. (A trip later in the month, unfortunately, featured some of the haughtiest and sloppiest service I've seen in Madison.) We also hit The Old Fashioned for their new weekday breakfast menu. Get there for it. Really. You can spend the money you're not spending at Ella's Deli there; I haven't ever been more unimpressed with a legend than I was with our meal of matzo noodle soup and hard salami sandwich.

The uprising

I'm certainly not going to say "post-uprising," because it's still happening, at this very minute on the grounds of the Capitol and all around the state. But on Valentine's Day was when everything really changed. And from that point forward, we've been protesting, and shouting, and paying attention to who supports us and who doesn't. We've enjoyed a couple meals at Mermaid Cafe, who has been donating coffee and other treats to the protesters (try the Erik the Red ham and Swiss). We've become familiar faces at The Old Fashioned. Hawk's Bar and Grill has been a great supporter and serves a heaping Mediterranean plate. The Coopers Tavern is crowded and the service was iffy, but their Reuben is an all-star.

They may not have the BL(F)T sandwich anymore, but the absence of fried tomatoes doesn't make Alchemy Cafe a bad choice; I'd never noticed their very promising cocktail menu before, but will give it more attention next time. And we did manage to eat off the isthmus once, meeting for a lunch date at Sushi Muramoto. It is seriously always good there; the fennel chutney was a new flourish on a familiar chicken katsu.

The best thing I ate

Sorry, pancakes at The Old Fashioned. Apologies, ~~guong chow noodles at Wah Kee~~ bibimbap at Graze (EDIT: whoops. you got a sneak preview of something from next month, and I didn't realize I'd omitted Graze). Maybe next month, steak torta at Antojitos El Toril. Even the now-emblematic Ian's mac and cheese pizza being donated from supporters worldwide can't beat out this month's best thing: the PBR-battered tilapia taco at King and Mane. They're fresh, they're satisfying, and they have pickled onions and chipotle mayo. I'm not lying--we've been there five times, almost exclusively for tacos (and beer), since the 22nd. My wife might love them more than me. We certainly love them more than Scott Walker, and we'll continue to fuel our chanting and fist-pumping with PBR tacos as long as we have to.

Show me what democracy looks like!

Top Chef All-Stars - A few thoughts

2011-02-24T23:39:00.002-06:00

So, Dale! He always looks so sad when he's sad. And honestly: who saw Antonia and Tiffany in the final five?

The last odds revision I posted looked like this (eliminated chefs in italics):

Fabio - 50:1
Marcel - 30:1
Tiffany - 25:1
Tre - 25:1
Isabella - 23:1
Antonia - 12:1
Dale - 9:1
Carla - 6:1
Angelo - 4:1
Richard - 4:1

Well, okay. My powers of prognostication look a little better with the original lines.

Jamie - 100:1
Fabio - 50:1
Tiffani - 35:1
Casey - 32:1
Isabella - 30:1
Tiffany - 25:1
Tre - 20:1
Spike - 15:1
Antonia - 11:1
Little Dale - 10:1
Carla - 7:1
Marcel - 5:1
Angelo - 4:1
Richard - 3:1

My attention is stretched over bigger and thornier issues than Top Chef right now, but here we go. The final betting lines.

Tiffany - 50:1
Carla - 12:1
Isabella - 6:1
Antonia - 4:1
Richard - 3:2

Also, shrimp fried in grits was literally the first thing I thought during the Quickfire last night. I'm not sure that I'd hang my hat on blowing Paula Deen away if I was Mike. ....fried butter. Come on.

#wiunion

2011-02-18T11:03:00.003-06:00

So, yeah. Love all you guys who come here for the food, but this blog started out political, and now the food is taking a back seat to political once again.

If you haven't been watching any other TV than Top Chef, you're missing a truly amazing event in Wisconsin. Workers public and private, union and non-union, adults and students, have been taking to the streets and the halls of the Capitol to protest the governor's proposed union-busting legislation.

I've been there in part for the past three days. I still haven't watched this week's Top Chef. I know I still haven't published last week's recap (Fabio bites it! Richard boosts someone else into the winner's circle!). I honestly don't know when I'm going to get back to recapping, and I'm not planning on recruiting any guest-bloggers because all my friends are as engaged with the rallies as I am.

So please--take a look at the news coverage of this event on MSNBC and BBC News. (You could see my flashlight in the crowd on The Ed Show last night!) When the time comes that I can return to food blogging, I will. Feel free to check out my latest review for Isthmus, on the new Great Dane Pub location; it'll be linked up to the right later today.

Solidarity!

Top Chef All-Stars - Fallon hard times

2011-02-10T09:08:00.002-06:00

Yes, an unoriginal pun, but I'll be honest: I haven't watched this episode yet. Stay tuned later today.

Top Chef All-Stars - The Italian food of Top Chef episodes

2011-02-09T19:43:00.002-06:00

Strip away all pretense. Remove extraneous ingredients. Simplify preparation.

Italian food, or this episode of Top Chef?

I'm a week overdue, so this is going to be extremely brief. Just basic thoughts. The Quickfire Challenge, one without any tasting and based solely on plating and presentation, was an interesting one but standing in stark contrast to the Elimination Challenge--cook a great Italian dish for a bunch of guys with questionable mob ties.

(Yes, this place really does have a lot to do with organized crime. Recently, in fact.)

Richard totally got the Quickfire's challenge: get outside the normal mode of thought and stop thinking about flavor. I thought his dish was by far the best, and deserving of the win. Dale was inspired by graffiti? Austin Scarlett did it first! Carla's was nice, but not particularly inspiring. How Fabio's hot mess ever made it into Isaak Mizrahi's good graces is beyond me. And dude, by the way, can that bitch cut.

The Rao's crew--Frankie No, Jimmy Wingnuts and Stereotype Jones, or something--dined on the products of the Elimination Challenge with Lorraine Bracco, perhaps most well known for her role in The Sopranos. The chefs were split into the three typical courses of an Italian meal: antipasti, primi, and secondi.

Three Italians in the crop of chefs (Isabella, Antonia, and...um...Dale? No! Fabio.) dominated the conversations in their respective kibbutzes. Isabella wanted to try fresh rigatoni, and even Dale took a shot at fresh pasta. Tre decided that risotto was the way to go, but Antonia gave his efforts the stink eye.

It's hard to look back and say what looked good and what looked either bad or unambitious, since these dishes are ideally fairly simple. Antonia's mussels would have been a snooze in most challenges, but in this one it got her in the top group. Same with Carla's minestrone. Richard's panko-breaded pancetta cutlet blew the table away, but he got overlooked--because he had immunity?

Indeed, Antonia's mussels with fennel and a parsley ciabatta was so gloriously elegant that it took the big prize. The bottom group was the entire primi course: Tre, Dale, and Isabella. Dale didn't incorporate all of his otherwise deliciously promising components. Tre's risotto was undercooked and overwhelmed by huge chunks of vegetables laid over the top. And poor Isabella, who was told that using dry pasta wasn't a sin, soldiered ahead with his fresh pasta and undercooked it woefully. Lucky for him, Tre's risotto was worse; Isabella stays, Tre goes.

Tony couldn't believe Tre had never eaten a good risotto; my first thought was back to Stephen and Tre, dining at Marea in the third episode of the season. Tre refuses Stephen's good natured but pedantic insistence on trying the sea urchin, saying "my palate is my own" to the confessional. That kind of bullish self-assurance couldn't have served Tre very well this week.

So that's about it. Next week (I like to call it "tonight") we'll have to tolerate Jimmy Fallon mugging to the camera for the latter half of the episode. I hope we all make it through without breaking anything.

Put on your booties, kids

2011-02-03T13:31:00.004-06:00

So, I totally didn't watch Top Chef last night. No biggie--I'll just do it when today rolls around again tomorrow.

What's this? Groundhog Day isn't really real? I'm going to be a day late with my recap? Well, dang.

Kyle Ate Here - The inaugural edition

2011-02-02T12:24:00.007-06:00

It dawned on me right around the turn of the year that, if I'm serious about food writing (and I am), I should be a little more conscious of my dining choices. Slow my brain down on the nights I'm not "working," and take note of the things kitchens are doing well, things I ordered, things I noticed. That kind of thing.

Thus, at the start of every month, I'll be giving you the summary of where I ate the previous month, what was remarkable, what was new, and what was the best. I'm not including places sampled in the course of a review; you'll just have to read the reviews to find out my thoughts there. I'm also not counting the occasional Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's, or a #5 on French from Milio's. Those are pretty standardized, and not really worth mentioning.

I also didn't include the handful of stops I made at Greenbush Bakery, because A) it's not a meal there, and B) I think I didn't want you to know how often we actually went there this last month. But I'll point out that in all three trips, their maple glazed doughnut was conspicuously absent. What gives, Greenbush?

Anyway, on with the show.

New spots

The year started well, with a New Year's Day trip with friends to Underground Kitchen. Standouts from my meal (and my wife's) include the kale salad, a meatless delicata squash dish, and a remarkable (and remarkably huge) salmon rillette platter. The cocktails were all fantastic, though some are advanced-level courses on mixology; I'm thinking in particular of the rye/sasparilla/cherry bark/vanilla concoction, served in a little aperitif glass.

Bub's Burger Joint shows promise, but criminally overcooked my bison burger. Their fries have an almost French toasty quality, which is interesting but not as delicious as a crisp exterior. Of note: their service. It was perfect. Pan and Pan, a little taqueria on Milwaukee Street, needs someone to come in and barter some interior decorating. Their overhead budget is nonexistent, I'm sure, but their food is good enough to merit attention. A wonderfully greasy chorizo taco paired excellently with a custard-filled croissant somethingorother from the bakery case.

Old favorites

The wife and I met for a lunch date at Bonfyre, a spot I reviewed back in January 2010. The food is still solid, and the place fills up as fast as ever for the lunch rush. But the service level was set to WHOA NELLIE and locked there, and a December visit showed that the lovely little desserts have given way to generic, middling shooter-style offerings. Bummer.

Brasserie V just doesn't stop being the most enjoyable joint in town. This visit, near the end of the month, showed a few chinks in the armor, sometimes literally. My water glass had a big crack, and the V Burger was as rare a burger as I've ever eaten. (It was ordered medium.) I'll always trust them, but it was an unusual mistake. Still, they continue to win me over with beers like the rare(-ish) Liefman's Cuvee Brut--a delicious alternative to Belgian Red or Monk's Cafe Sour Flemish.

The best thing I ate

Tough call. That kale salad at Underground Kitchen was pretty remarkable. So too was the triumphantly-returned Gyro Topper from Topper's Pizza. And the breakfast sandwich at Crema Cafe continues to be one of the best in town. But I'm going to give the first A+ to the chicken francaise at the irritatingly-capitalized jacs Dining and Taphouse. Isthmus contributor Ben Reiser has been singing its praises for months, and I finally veered away from the sandwich menu to give it a shot. Rich and eggy, but set off with zingy lemon-Chardonnay cream sauce. The kale and spinach are ideal foils to the chicken. It's worth all of its very reasonable $17 price tag.

Smug, white, hungry--but enough about me.

2011-01-21T18:48:00.006-06:00

I was forwarded a link to an article from GOOD today on Twitter. The article is part of the Food for Thinkers series on the site, and in its own words sounds like the most tired brand of navel-gazing.

Food for Thinkers is a week-long, distributed, online conversation looking at food writing from as wide and unusual a variety of perspectives as possible. Between January 18 and January 23, 2011, more than 40 food and non-food writers will respond to a question posed by GOOD's newly-launched Food hub: What does—or could, or even should—it mean to write about food today?

But I like words, and I enjoy good writing, and y'all know I really like food. So despite my trepidations based on the piece's title, I read on.

The post is titled "The Rise of White People Food," and those last three words are conspicuously capitalized. The author, Morgan Clendaniel, goes on to describe the emergence of a type of culinary expression limited to people of ample quantities of both liquid assets and smugness.

White People Food has nothing to do with the relative melanin level of the person eating it. ... White People Food does, however, have a lot to do with money. Are you wealthy enough to afford cuts of [insert farm name] [insert special breed of pig] slow poached in [insert another farm name’s] [insert special type of milk] served with greens from [insert urban rooftop garden]? Then you are eating like a White Person. Do you feel really good about yourself while you’re doing it? Then you are a White Person.

Clendaniel goes on to assail a number of foods and techniques that are "White People"-centric. Making jam is White. Referring to tapas by the size of the plate on which its served is White. Sharing a table with strangers is White. Kale is White.

Grandmas make jam and pickle things (another target of Clendaniel's wrath); are they smug White People? Because the balloon Clendaniel hopes to puncture is this apparent smugness, this sense of superiority that he attributes to people who value things like the Eat Local movement, or heirloom vegetables, or who God forbid enjoy a meal in Brooklyn now and then.

After "What's this guy's problem, and is he serious?", there are a couple questions that came to me as I read the post:

Why stigmatize a way of eating for its perceived class-based inaccessibility--thus making it easy to discount as ridiculous trendmongering--when what you would presumably prefer is for all classes to have access to that way of eating in equal measure?

Why introduce race into the discussion, when you acknowledge in the next breath that actual ethnicity has nothing to do with it?

Yes, there is an argument to be made that popularity kills innocence. And I'm fully in the Bourdain camp that believes Alice Waters, with her frequent obliviousness to scale or tact, is a terrible spokeswoman for the locavore crowd. But those positions are different from the thesis that the entirety of the locavore school of thought is fraught with masturbatory tone-deafness.

From the very first beat, this article hints at the phenomenally popular website, Stuff White People Like. With that in mind, a thought (I would never presume to issue a Cardinal Rule) on snide humor. The first person to make a snarky, disparaging, or self-deprecating joke--if it's done well--can be credited for the wit. The second feels cheap, a thin laugh. The third, or fourth, or fifth reveals the meanspiritedness and bitterness at its core. Not only that, but it revels in it.

Plus, there's a delicious irony in Clendaniel bemoaning the tendencies of writers in major metropolitan areas focusing on this so-called "White People Food," when there's an expanse between the coasts that appears to go unnoticed in this whiny critique. ("I would challenge the reviewers... Push the envelope a little. We'll follow," he simpers.)

And with the choice of .is as the domain for GOOD's website (making every URL begin with the declaration "GOOD is..."), one wonders whether Clendaniel notices he's writing for a would-be tastemaker.

Race, ridicule, anti-urbanism, and a complete lack of self-awareness. For writing online, these are essential amino acids for buliding what the professional wrestling world calls "cheap pop." You shout the name of the city you're in just to get the crowd cheering, or insult its most famous feature to get them angry. This article smacks of the latter, and for accusing the majority of the food world of smugness, Morgan Clendaniel sure seems certain he's right about all of us.

What's the word for that, again?

Top Chef All-Stars - (Kv)etch

2011-01-20T00:41:00.001-06:00

"Let me count the ways that this team screwed up."

Anthony Bourdain

Hard to believe that we're going to get there from the distinctly upbeat open--no lingering shot of an empty Judges' Table, no "there but for the grace of Tom" mutterings in the Stew Room. It's dawn, and the ladies of Top Chef are waking up to the sun. I won't tie this New Morning in New York to the recent departure of a gloomy little cloud of San Francisco fog, but...

Still, there's talk of a Black Hammer sighting. Once again, Antonia's teammates have been shown the door. I love that this has been brought to the fore this season, since it was given short shrift in Antonia's original season but for a sequence in the reunion special.

The chefs convene at Le Bernardin, stomping grounds of some chef who doesn't know fish nearly as well as Tom Colicchio's fishing buddy. Tony Bourdain is there (hi, Tony!), and he gives a little plug for his most recent book, Medium Raw. He introduces the chefs to seafood prep savant Justo Thomas; if you haven't read the book, at least read the chapter on Justo. It's great.

For the Quickfire Challenge, our chefs will have to break down and portion one cod and one fluke in 10 minutes (Justo can do it in 8), and they have to do it as close to Le Bernardin's standards as possible. Fabio, Carla, Tiffany, and Antonia end up lagging the field; Fabio slices his thumb (really, guys?), but seafood chef Tiffany has no excuse for her performance.

The top four are Dale, Richard, Isabella, and Marcel, but that's not the end. They'll have to make a dish--of the scraps. It's hardly slim pickings, as there are collars, cheeks, and bellies still to be harvested. All are flavorful cuts and rising in culinary popularity. The winner will earn immunity, but won't be as awesome as Marcel, who tells us that he used to be violently allergic to fish but powered through it until he wasn't anymore, because that's how awesome he is.

Marcel's dickish while Dale is confident. He prepares two dishes--fluke back fin sashimi with cucumber and fluke liver sauce, and bacon dashi with salt-roasted cod collar--and takes the win over Richard's cod belly schnitzel (oh that Richard), Isabella's belly, cheek, and collar in tomato sauce, and Marcel's cod mousseline with yuzu. Indeed, Marcel's is the only one of the five plates that gets any noticeable criticism (texturally monochromatic). Dale earns immunity, continuing his hot streak.

We return to the Top Chef kitchen, where oh lord it's Ludo Lefebvre. I know he was a victim of editing on Top Chef Masters, but gods, I can't stand him anyway. He's here, though, to introduce this year's (non-)twist on the Restaurant Wars Elimination Challenge: the pop-up restaurant. Ludo's done five iterations of his Ludobites pop-up in LA; Fatty Johnson's in New York has gotten recent press on the East Coast. The chefs won't have to worry too much about the space, or decor, or all that stuff. They'll have to cook food, and the implied challenge is to fit it into the pop-up ethos.

As the Quickfire winner, Dale is Captain #1; he also gets to select #2. Who better than Marcel? Dale can't stand him, and history shows that team leaders in Restaurant Wars tend to get the best and worst of Judges' Table. Marcel selects Angelo, Isabella, Antonia, and Tiffany, none of whom seem particularly thrilled about their lot. Dale is happy with Richard, Tre, Fabio, and Carla, and they seem to be equally pleased.

This year, the bigger twist than the pop-up concept is the judging; it'll be the diners, not the real judges, who will select the winning team. As the teams split up to plan, it's clear that the impending meltdown I predicted for Marcel is reaching critical mass; he can't get anyone to do exactly what he wants, so he starts sighing and rolling his eyes from the get-go. Dale's team is running with his bodega concept, with Richard playing a clear role as creative director for much of the menu.

So Dale's team is Bodega, and after some additional bitching by Marcel, his team decides on Etch as their name. Isabella's description doesn't make much sense in this context, but it's better than Marcel's "Medi" idea. Might as well run with "Meh."

There are five hours of prep, and Tom comes in with about an hour to go. He chats with Marcel first, who doesn't really impress Tom all that much before all but telling him to scram. Dale's convenience store-influenced menu doesn't do much better for Panther Tom, but he's at least willing to give Team Bodega some poetic license. Before he leaves, Tom tells the crew that there will only be one winner this week, and that chef will earn $10,000. They are making it rain this season, I'm telling you.

Fabio, destined to work front-of-house in any service challenge, is confident in delivering success for his 50% of Bodega's operation (modest aspirations, that Fabio). Marcel, on the other hand, is telling Tiffany how to cook and peel eggs. His particular brand of micromanaging is exceptionally galling; Isabella seems just about ready to go nose-to-bouffant with the little dink. Angelo plays moderator, but in a moderated way, like he's trying to slow down the boulder without wanting to risk getting in front of it. Richard thinks his team is quiet....a little too quiet. Literally. He actually said that. He's so cute.

Food and Wine's Dana Cowin appears as just a regular old diner (sure), and the difference in confidence between the two front-of-housers (Tiffany and Fabio) couldn't be more distinct. Fabio is cranking up de ahksent and both training and representing his waitstaff with aplomb, while Tiffany is mouthing "not good" to the non-Marcel chefs in her kitchen and failing to seat the judges properly when they arrive.

Bodega

The meal starts with Dale's bag of potato chips with fried herbs and sea salt. The first course is Richard's raw tuna belly and fried chicken skin with chilies and lime (in a can), and Dale's maple-roasted bacon, soft egg, and house-made focaccia. While one diner bitches about the perceived pointlessness of the can, the judges are taking both dishes well. Dale's egg makes Tony happy (as all soft eggs do), and the simple elegance of the dish impresses judges and diners alike.

Course two splits between Richard's chicken-fried cod with "Brussels kraut," and Tre's pork shoulder over cheddar grits with Corona lime sauce. Richard's dish is, of course, playful and surprisingly harmonious. Tre beats the Restaurant Wars bugaboo with a terrific sauce that you have to believe was crafted at least in part by Richard. The pork is good too, but everyone's talking about the better-than-actual-Corona Corona sauce.

For dessert, Carla plates a blueberry pie with dry milk ice cream, while an amaretto cake with candied lemon peel and cappuccino mousse is Fabio's sole food contribution. His masterful service shouldn't be overlooked, as it was a true joy to watch him do well that which he does best. That said, Tony goes over the moon for his coffee dessert, and Carla's blueberry pie gets kudos, too.

Etch

As I mentioned earlier, Tiffany's having a rough go. The editing to this point has made her presence in the dining area out to be spastic, overloud, and inattentive. This doesn't appear to be a trick of the camera. Some rando server seats the judges, while in the kitchen, Marcel continues to grate on his team.

Tiffany's frisee and shaved asparagus salad with cured egg and chorizo starts out alongside Angelo's fluke crudo (another one?) with grapes, pink peppercorns, and lemon zest. Tiffany's eggs were a salvage job, and the judges all note that the dish needs more flavor--both from the bland/nonexistent chorizo, or the washed-out asparagus. Angelo's crudo is overcome by obtrusive foofaraw, irritating Tom in particular. Both dishes are hailed by the diners selected by the cameras.

The second course is either Marcel's roasted monkfish with kalamata olives, peperonata, and parsley foam, or Isabella's braised pork belly and octopus with cannellini beans. Ludo finds Marcel's entire plate mushy. Tony calls it baby food. Naturally, the diners all seem to love it. Isabella has hit on something with his pork belly/octopus combo, but on this team, nothing good can last. Back in the kitchen, Isabella and Marcel continue to snipe; Angelo's game attempts at conciliation are met with a dickish STFU from Marcel to "the peanut gallery." Um. Really?

Anyway, Antonia plates a ricotta gnudi and braised oxtail ragout with arugula and lemon zest for the third course, while Isabella and Angelo team up for a slow-cooked lamb chop with cauliflower purée, turmeric, and honey. Padma immediately knocks Antonia's dish as too salty, though Tony thinks the gnudi are perfect. The diners are thrilled, of course. The lamb chop comes out slow to the diners, and a couple tables (Cowin's included) have to send it back for more cooking. Earlier in the episode, we saw one with-it dude knocking the plates for being too cold and chilling everything on them; he was shown out of order, probably to allow the sense that Etch was nailing it with the diners to grow, right up to the very end of service.

The end of service is marked by a "surprise" dessert from Marcel: a duo of peaches, unripened and sweet, with coconut foam and powder, served alongside dry ice. (Possibly line of the night: "Something is steaming," Padma says. "Of course it is," sighs Tony.) Every single judge hates it. A couple guys note that it's both weird and stupid. (I may be putting words in their mouths, but that was the basic jist.) And then one young woman, who previously expounded on pretty presentation, comments on how amazing that dessert was when it arrived at the table. Note that she doesn't say "it tasted great," but that it was real pretty. Thus we are very nearly convinced: most people are dumb.

At the end of the night, Fabio is pleased as punch, setting his team's nerves a little bit at ease. Marcel, on the other hand, is bizarrely upbeat while Antonia refuses to hide from that certain trainwreck quality their service displayed. Marcel responds with "Debbie Downer" and "psycho," and leaves the area. At Judges' Table, Padma wants to see Etch first. A chill of horror runs up and down my spine as I contemplate the possibility that the doofus "judges" gave the win to the clearly-inferior team.

Thank the Maker that we were being taken for a ride by the producers. Only 17 of 76 diners preferred Etch's meal to Bodega's; Team Marcel is the losing team. Nearly everyone on the team describes a lack of cohesion, communication, togetherness, organization...y'know, leadership. But no one answers when Tom asks who might have been the one who should have demonstrated those skills.

Ludo breaks it to Angelo that pink peppercorns aren't popular in the south of France, and that his crudo was overcomplicated in addition to having exactly zero Mediterranean influence. Tom and Tony wanted a little more savor from Isabella's porktopus, but the criticism is middling. Tony knows that Antonia can do an oxtail ragout standing on her head, but that this one was sticky, salty, and kind of disastrous.

Marcel: why foam? Why now? And why do you want to insult and hurt us with that shitty-ass dessert? He's got nothin', but starts to call out his team for falling apart around him. Isabella demonstrates a fine grasp of hip-hop/prison slang with the "you wanna pull my card, now?" bit, and then takes him apart for being a timebomb and completely lacking in leadership qualities. Angelo just stammers that none of them were professionals tonight, and Padma can't shoo them out of the room soon enough.

Out comes Team Bodega, which I kind of hesitate to call Team Dale. Right from the start--just after Tom says with an air of awe, honestly, "you killed it"--it's clear that if Richard wasn't the de facto team leader, then he had a finger in every single pie they put out there. Even Carla's. Fabio's service was great, and his dessert was perhaps the one dish that didn't bear a clear Richard fingerprint, but it's not enough. Richard's genius was laced throughout the entire, staggeringly great run of Bodega, and he gets the win and the $10k.

And with that, Team Etch heads back out to hear the bad news. Except maybe it's not such bad news. Though Tiffany's food and service were disastrous, there's no denying that the black hole of suck at the center of Etch was Marcel; the former runner-up and shoulda-won of Season 2 gets eliminated at the bottom of a total freefall. Your only mistake was picking the wrong team, Marcel? Splat. Adios, Astroboy.

Next: "Get your guns ready--it's an Italian challenge." Lorraine Bracco guest-judges; are we seeing the nascence of Fabio?

Top Chef All-Stars - "When you kill it, you have respect for it"

2011-01-12T23:14:00.002-06:00

Well, that was an unusual episode. No Quickfire to get the blood pumping. Just an early alarm clock. The chefs all want to hit snooze, and I think by the end most of the viewers did, too.

But let's backtrack for a moment. In the post-Judges' Table Stew Room, Antonia takes a pretty thinly-veiled shot at Jamie, saying that Casey attacked the challenge, and didn't want to just do a dumpling. Jamie, seemingly oblivious to the shot, just says "yeah." Marcel also takes a little bite out of Dale for what he perceives as Dale slow-pedaling his plating during service last week. On the rooftop of the TC apartment, the biting continues--as Marcel bites a little bit of Dale's hip-hop throwdown style all up in Dale's grill. Dale's been taking anger management classes, but that doesn't keep him from calling Marcel a little bitch to the confessional camera. I wonder: Marcel kinda seemed drunk. True or false?

There's no Padma in the kitchen the following morning. Just a sign that reads "GONE FISHIN'" and a map to Montauk. The chefs hop into their vehicles of unknown make or model and meet Padma and Tom looking all verdant and happy at the foot of a lighthouse. The chefs will be shopping for their proteins the old-fashioned way: grab a net and pole.

In lieu of the usual Quickfire, the chefs will spend 5 hours divided up onto two fishing boats, catching as much fish as they can to use for the Elimination Challenge. Anyway, immunizing someone from elimination this week would complicate Judges Table too much, considering this will be another double elimination episode.

The chefs are split into four teams of three (Dale/Carla/Tre, Tiffani/Jamie/Antonia, Angelo/Isabella/Tiffany, and Fabio/Marcel/Richard). Fabio and Dale both have fishing experience passed down from their fathers, so you know they'll be pumped. The first two teams above (1 and 3, respectively) are raking in the fish on their boat. Dale lands a massive striped bass that's about 2/3 his length. Teams 2 and 4 (the other two teams above, respectively) take a lot longer to start their luck, but eventually get some decent feesh.

The Team 1/3 Boat has a particularly masturbatory method for reeling in the big ones, which leads to some yuk-yuk humor from Mr. Yuk-Yuk, Isabella. Once the fishing is over, Team 4 starts menu planning right on the boat. Richard is trying to appease Marcel by giving him the credit for deciding to do a single dish. Fabio thinks his team will be engaging in some "syholohical warfare," whatever that is.

After the boats, the farmers' market. Antonia points out how buddy/buddy Fabio and Richard are becoming ("They're like the odd couple. It's like, the professor and...the strange Italian immigrant."), there's some really classic comedy going on between Angelo and Isabella. Angelo insists on spicy peppers. Isabella says they are, he tasted them. Angelo says, "No, spicy spicy." Isabella says, "Come here and taste this. Just a small piece." Angelo does, and proceeds to start coughing and watering at the eyes.

Angelo asks, "Why did you do that to me?"

After a beat, Isabella replies in a perfectly matter-of-fact tone, "Because you didn't trust me."

I actually watched it a couple times, literally LOLing.

Beachside preparation begins, with a charming montage of Jamie complaining about everything under the sun--and actually, the sun too, now that I think about it. Lovely. Tiffani's trying to keep competitive distance from her. Carla's just trying to wrangle the fishy, nasty blood line out of her blue fish, a specimen she's not particularly crazy about.

Richard's starting to worry about the one-dish approach, thinking two might have been better. Fabio probably would have been fine with that, as he's been relegated to knife boy--taking orders from Richard and Marcel (mostly Richard), and not really contributing to the creative process. Tiffany's under pressure, knowing she works in a seafood restaurant and can't imaging the heat she'd get for fucking up.

Tom comes in and of course starts to undermine the confidence of Team 4 for their single dish, Team 1 for Dale's market-bought tortillas, and Team 3 for Tiffani's general thoughts on proper usage for blue fish (often known as a trashy fish in food circles). Only Team 2 stands up to Tom's presence, pumping the value of fresh fish and a good market. That could also be the nigh-insurmountable egos of Angelo and Isabella keeping their confidence high, but who knows. (Another great exchange between Angelo and Isabella: Angelo says to Isabella, "You remind me of someone I fired once.")

As the diners enter the arena, the judges are introduced; once again, no Bourdain. Instead, Tom introduces his fishing buddy, chef Kerry Heffernan of South Gate Restaurant, who knows more about fish than anyone Tom knows. I wonder how Eric Ripert feels about this.

Team 1
Fish taco with striped bass, corn and avocado relish, crème fraiche, radishes, and cabbage (Dale). Nice fish, good texture. Smoked blue fish lettuce wrap, pickled watermelon rind, radishes, bagel croutons (Carla). Well-smoked, nice accents of dill, and the pumpernickel bagel provides a good side flavor as well. It's a play on bagels and smoked fish in a typical New York deli; smart move, Carla. Striped sea bass with gazpacho salad, tomato and avocado (Tre). The fish is cooked well, and it's a ballsy move to saute in this kind of environment.

Team 2
Angelo, Isabella, and Tiffany plate two dishes, both collaborative. Pickled blue fish, spicy watermelon, shallots, red chillies, confit potato and dill. The pickling seems to take the judges by surprise, in a good way. The potatoes and herbs are well-received. Also, striped bass with corn purée, tomato, aleppo spice rub and watermelon. A lot of competing flavors, but cooked well. Hard to read from here whether the judges liked it or not.

Team 3
Striped bass, watermelon salad with fresh dill, shaved radishes, cucumber water (Jamie). The fish is bland. The cucumber water would be nice in another setting, but here is redundant and too watery (if you can imagine that; only Jamie could make water too watery). Smoked blue fish with tomato, roasted corn and zucchini ribbon salad (Tiffani). It's a little crude, lacking in both elegance and acidity. Open faced porgy po'boy with Old Bay mayo and cabbage slaw (Antonia). This porgy is best (see what I did there) among this team's dishes, pleasing both the average diners and the judges. The judges are impressed that Antonia took such a lackluster fish and made it great.

Team 4
Richard, Marcel, and Fabio offer up a single dish. Sea bass, succotash, corn purée, tomato confit, Concord grape gastrique, jamón "air" (but really, it's foam--and you know who's probably responsible for it). The beans in the succotash--something about which Richard expressed concern during prep--are mushy, and the foam is irrelevant.

In an unusual move, the judges stop to chit-chat with some of the hoi polloi (a word that sounds like it should be a kind of fish, but isn't) about which dishes they liked. Carla's gets the primary mention. Tom notes, discussing the freshly-caught angle (puns! I'm full of 'em), provides the apt and true title of this recap. While the chefs wait, Jamie calls "people" out (to the confessional, I think) for copping out by only cooking one dish. If there is a single person who never, ever should accuse someone else of copping out, it's Jamie.

No one looks confident at all as Padma arrives to call out Teams 1 and 2: Dale, Carla, Tre, Tiffany, Isabella, and Angelo. Padma plays it up more than usual, before letting them off the hook (HAHAHAHA): they're the top two teams. The winner will get a 6-night trip, with airfare, to Amsterdam. Random, sure, but pretty sweet nonetheless. Compliments are paid to Team 2's duo of dishes, and Dale's taco earns praise despite the market tortillas. (I don't think they shopped at a Whole Foods at all this week, though, right? So it was at least farmers-market-bought.) Carla's witty, smart, and tasty smoked fish is the best of the bunch, and she's this week's winner. That makes Carla and Dale strong contenders, having traded blows as alternating winners for the last four weeks.

Carla arrives back at the Stew Room her usual, giddy self--and gets her balloon unceremoniously popped by Marcel, who couldn't be more of a dink. Thankfully, once he leaves with the rest of bottom two teams, Angelo and the rest of the leaders reassure Carla that she acted completely acceptably and shouldn't feel badly at all. Good form, guys.

Team 4, why one dish? Richard says he and Marcel came up with it at the same time; very crafty, Richard, broadening responsibility when vote-splitting becomes advantageous. Tom notes potential trust issues in that team, highlighting once again just how much of a ninja he is. Basically, a restaurant-scale dish in a beach setting, with a plastic dish, just won't work.

Team 3, y'all are bringing a sister down. Tom breaks it to Antonia that her dish, were it not saddled with Jamie and Tiffani's stinky offerings, would have been the winner. Tiffani didn't negotiate the blood line of the fish (hi, Carla!), leading to a funky flavor and mediocre texture. Jamie added water to her cucumber to give it that extra blast of watery goodness; this went over with the judges about as well as you'd expect. Antonia is put on the spot to address whether greater intervention on her part would have steered her team into more successful waters (heyoh!); her response is more weeping. Come on, Antonia!

So let's just pull this Band-Aid off quickly. Jamie's reign of error is finally come to an end. And Tiffani just didn't manage to maintain enough competitive distance from her; she gets sucked down right alongside the Sourpuss from San Francisco. The Black Hammer strikes again, as more teammates of Antonia fall while she remains.

NEXT: Restaurant Wars. Boom. Plus, Bourdain returns (yay!) and he's brough chef Ludo Lefebvre with him (bleh).

Top Chef All-Stars - Chinese revolt

2011-01-05T22:06:00.005-06:00

Howdy, Top Cheffers! It's been two long weeks since the last episode, during which time I still haven't managed to finish the last recap. Yeah, sorry about that.

We return to the Stew Room where anger is simmering--before bubbling over for the confessional camera. Antonia's none too pleased with meddling Angelo, and Richard is being pushed to levels of disdain for Jamie heretofore unseen, apart from maybe his relationship with Lisa. But when the next day starts, that's all out the window. Padma introduces the Quickfire Challenge alone, telling the chefs that they'll have to create a dish against the time set by a renowned chef: our own Tommy Boy Colicchio.

This is pretty big, and the faces of the chefs prove it. They're giddy, terrified, in awe. Tom will make a dish, and in the time it takes him to finish it, the chefs will then be let loose to create their own dish. The winner will not only receive immunity, but a new Toyota Prius. Degree of difficulty will be figured into the decision, so don't just slice up some sashimi.

Tom moves like a panther, and commenters have wondered how many times he practiced making his seared black sea bass with clams, tomato and zucchini before unleashing this performance on the chefs. I ask: what if he didn't at all? Dude does have like a dozen restaurants or something. He knows what he's doing. Anyway, it takes him a measly 8 minutes, 37 seconds, to put together a dish that everyone agrees is a hell of a dish for 8 minutes, 37 seconds.

With no time to prepare, the chefs are cut loose. While everyone tears ass to the refrigerators, Marcel turns a 180 and grabs the rest of the black bass that Tom had just filleted--smart. Richard finds foie gras, Dale wishes for a wok where there is none, and Angelo decides that his technique is so amazing, his kung fu so strong, that he can make a crudo and escape judgment from the man who just said"don't do raw."

Tiffani plates a small pool of New England clam chowder. Fabio borrows most--no, all, really--of Tom's ingredients for his dish. Tiffany's own take on seared bass with tomato relish looks nice, but still resembles Tom's a bit too much for me. Antonia sears some tuna with a tomato salad. I liked the look and sound of Carla's shrimp with mango, cilantro, and mint--but there would have to be some major flavors going on to get that simple of a dish the win. Tre's grilled beef tenderloin and seared foie gras with mushrooms and brandy is very brown. Casey's spice-rubbed filet with tomato relish is boring.

Tom admire's Dale's intent to make pad thai with fresh egg noodles, but the three noodles and a splash of salty broth is obviously incomplete. Jamie had more clams in her pot than in the bowl with the bacon, tomato, and cream (there's got to be a joke there). And Angelo's yuzu branzino crudo with jalapeño and cilantro displays the amazing technique of alliteration, but not enough to save him from the bottom.

At the top are Richard's roasted foie gras with aromatics, corn, fresh coriander, and port (which looks and sounds incredible and I want it); Marcel's black sea bass a la Colicchio, dashi broth, bok choy, and chili oil--a dish Tom notes was not only craftily sourced but impressive in technique; and Isabella's pan-roasted branzino with a tomato, black olive and caper stew. This last dish sounds like the least demanding of the three, but it's tasty enough to get Isabella the win, the immunity, and the car. Feh.

The Elimination Challenge, at least initially, sounds like what Saturday Night Live would write in a Top Chef parody: "make a lot of food for a lot of people." Padma goes on to explain that the chefs will be going to Chinatown, leading to every blogger hoping that something goes terribly badly so he can use the line, "Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown" at the end.

Well, the opportunity is there; the chefs will take over popular Chinese restaurant Grand Harmony during the lunch rush, and serve dim sum to a couple hundred people. Tonight's for menu planning, tomorrow's for shopping at a Chinese market. Richard rightly posits that this is basically Chinese tapas, but with an added bloodlust. Really, if these chefs aren't prepared at this point for an unprecedented nightmare--well, they better get watching No Reservations before Tony gets back.

(sorry for the bad A/V sync)

Jamie's not worried about her reputation at this point; she's going back to the comforting bosom of scallops (see: every single challenge from her original season). Isabella's going to use his immunity to expedite, while Casey and Carla volunteer to be the cart pushers for the judges' portions.

After some Real World-esque talk of boobies and diddlies at the Top Chef apartment, the chefs get shopping. We learn that Fabio has a pet turtle that he takes for walks (seriously), Marcel knows to go for the MSG, and Tre breaks out the line of the night, describing the back and forth at a Chinese meat counter: "Whatchoo want?" "What's dead?"

The careful viewer should, at this point, see things teetering on a precipice. Casey, despite her aspirations for butchery fame, is taking on chicken feet. Jamie appears bewildered by wok technology (Dale, meanwhile, is thrilled; "this is my challenge to lose"). And Fabio's usual techniques for short ribs are stymied by Chinese kitchen appliances.

With each dish shooting for around 150 portions, the chefs are scrambling. Jamie's scallop dumplings aren't going well. Casey's trimming chicken toenails. Carla's summer rolls are "fiddly." Tre's orange custard-ish desserts are liable to turn to goo in the heat of the kitchen. But what's this? A "Top Chef MY-racle" (as only Fabio can say it)? His ribs come out perfect! It might not be all bad after all. The Italian, at least, seems safe.

But as Isabella checks in on the rapidly filling dining room, he gets the stinkeye from about 300 hungry Chinese people, and it's getting nasty in the kitchen. (There's also an odd, Guy Ritchie moment where Isabella, Carla, and Casey's roles are spelled out with on-screen captioning and freeze-frames.) And then there's the guest judge: SUSUR FUCKING LEE. There's no skating on this challenge.

Tiffani cooks a cabbage, cilantro, and sesame slaw with crispy chicken curry. Fabio's soy honey glazed pork ribs with peanuts look pretty spectacular. Carla finally finishes some of her vegetable summer rolls with lemongrass dipping sauce. Angelo, meanwhile, goes for a crispy spring roll with shrimp and pork. Marcel's boneless fried chicken wings look a bit like chicken nuggets, but topped with a dollop of scallion mayo.

This is the first service. Tiffani's slaw is good, but Gail's serving is almost all sesame. Everyone digs Fabio's ribs. Carla's roll is beautifully wrapped...and that's about it. Angelo's spring roll doesn't want for a sauce, and goes over well. Susur likes Marcel's concept, but they come off as bland. Richard apparently served something during this portion of the meal, perhaps some kind of trotter dish. But it never gets on-screen explanation and Gail's not crazy about it anyway.

Down in the kitchen, Tiffany's getting pissed about slow plating and service. Tom notes from the table that there's no food coming out. Richard, too, sees that everyone's pretty meticulous with their presentations, and it's not really suiting the speed required for a dim sum lunch service. Jamie and Antonia's shared dish isn't going very well, and Jamie wonders to the confessional if Antonia's got PMS.

Second service. Jamie and Antonia offer a simple preparation of long beans and Chinese sausage (which always looks incredible when I see it on TV, and still I have yet to eat it). Dale and Angelo create an Asian superteam for cheung fun with XO shrimp. Dale also presents sweet sticky rice with bacon steamed in a banana leaf. Tiffany's spicy pork with preserved vegetables on a steamed bun looks pretty classic, and tasty. And here's Tre's orange ginger dessert with fresh water chestnuts, toasted pine nuts, and Thai basil.

As one would expect at this point in the season, the curse of Jamie strikes the long bean and sausage. It comes out greasy and overcooked, reeking of hoisin. Dale and Angelo's XO shrimp roll is super-spicy, but flavorful. Dale's sticky rice, on the other hand, makes everyone unequivocally happy. So too does Tiffany's pork bun--very authentic. Poor Tre's worry about the temperature proves well-founded; his dessert would be liquid if not contained by the orange half.

Gail posits, in a not-so-sensitive fashion, that there's going to be a revolution in this restaurant if the food doesn't start coming out soon. The servers aren't sure what's being served, and one old guy apparently mutters "Caucasian dim sum" to his wife. I expect it was more derogatory than that, but he gets the benefit of the doubt. (Here, I think of Sleepless in Seattle, where Meg Ryan tells Bill Pullman that they'll go out for dim sum in New York and he, not knowing what it is, asks if there's wheat in it. Total tone-deafness for the cuisine.) Above, people are starting to leave, while below Casey's dish is getting mistreated slightly by Antonia, who said she'd plate for cart-runner Casey.

Tom, on orders from the gals at the table, goes to scare some movement out of of the kitchen. Dissent spreads through the ranks. Antonia thinks Dale should have been the expediter, while Marcel--never short on disdain--thinks Dale's dogging it, wiping down his shoes while Rome burns.

The third and final service begins, as the kitchen finally starts to find its pace. Casey's chicken feet over scallion pancake finally come out; they look pretty ragged compared to her instructional plating for Antonia. Antonia's own dish, shrimp toast with pickled scallions and mushrooms, looks much better. Hm. Isabella's meaningless pork and prawn dumplings with spicy soy are, well, meaningless. And at long last, Jamie's scallop dumplings with water chestnuts and Chinese chives.

Aside from Antonia's shrimp toast, this isn't much of a service. Casey's feet aren't cooked properly--not enough, surprisingly--and Padma notes how many are still sitting on plates despite the food shortage. The chili is good in Isabella's dumpling, but the soy is too salty. Can that happen? And Jamie's dumplings are too much dump, not enough ling. (I don't even know what that means, but she shorted the scallops and the wrapper is too much.)

The judges aren't thrilled, and in the Stew Room, Dale doesn't think there's going to be a winner. In the mid-break vignette, Isabella puts it pretty succinctly: "Everyone sucked and everything sucked." Yep.

Padma calls out Casey, Antonia, Carla, Jamie, and Tre--bottoms up, from the look of things. Indeed, they take heat not only for the slow and inadequate service, but the poor dishes. Jamie stands there looking pretty shitty, very Lisa. Susur tells Jamie that she bought the wrong kind of dumpling wrapper for her purposes. Antonia, having only prepped the long beans, doesn't take as much heat considering her successful shrimp toast. Casey tells the judges she was trying for something different, but thanks to Antonia's shoddy finishing, they didn't come out very spectacularly. And her pancake was leaden. Tre's dessert was goo, and Carla's summer rolls were all noodle and daintiness.

The bottom five are sent back to retrieve the top four while their fates are decided. Tiffany, Angelo, Dale and Fabio get the honors. Fabio gets credit for a good imagination, given his total lack of Chinese experience. Tiffany's bun was a savory marshmallow, Gail effuses. Angelo's rolls were downed in copious quantity by Gail and Padma. But Dale, with two quality dishes, gets the win in a nice rebound from a well-intentioned Quickfire failure. He's not exactly bouncing off the walls, though. "Feel like I robbed the bank on that one. We're all morons."

As the judges deliberate, Padma's being very charitable about Jamie even taking on two dishes, even though both failed. Antonia was brought low by her involvement in Jamie's bad dishes. Casey's dish was terrible, a disaster. Carla's rolls weren't worth the calories. Tre's dish evoked hospital food--Tony? Is that you?

Hard to see who's going home among these stinkers. But when the hammer falls, it is Casey getting a ticket home. Jamie gasps audibly. Casey doesn't mind telling the confessional that she, Jamie, and everyone else expected Jamie to go home. Jamie admits in the Stew Room that she took the brunt of the criticism at Judges' Table. All Richard can do is smile in disbelief. I think we're all there with you, Blais.

NEXT: Another double elimination, Long Island (this is the one you call "Strong Island," Dale), and Marcel tries to out-gangster Dale. DALE DALE DALE. This is what you get when you win, buddy. N'un but love, man.

Top Chef All-Stars - Unforced errors

2010-12-22T23:45:00.004-06:00

[A]s of now it's very, very painful to watch her showing no skills of leadership. So therefore, if you cannot be a leader, you cannot be a chef. She has no good technique or skills, so she cannot be a cook. So what are you doing on Top Chef?

That was Eric Ripert on BravoTV.com, talking about a chef who is not going home at the end of this recap. We'll get back to it, but I just wanted to put this out there now. If Eric "The Sweetest Man in Cuisine" Ripert has this much to cut out of you--really, how bad are you?

This week's show starts with the chefs getting a bar to themselves, and ordering tea and crudite platters; let it not be said that these chefs don't know how to party. When the next day's competition starts, former Top Chef Masters competitor Tony Mantuano is there waiting with Padma. Chef Mantuano wants the competitors to know that what he really likes around the holidays is stuffing. Good story, Tony!

No, really, chefs. Make stuffing. That's your challenge. Use Swanson Broth maybe if you want to perhaps. But no utensils. Pots and pans and your inborn creativity only. I'm less than thrilled about this challenge, because it distracts from the kitchen ingenuity and puts too much emphasis on finding bizarre implements by which to pit an olive or some shit. See: Fabio grating parmesan on a metal storage rack.

So it's particularly grating (see what I did there) that this challenge is not only an immunity challenge, but one that'll put $20,000 in the pocket of the winner. Quick! Someone MacGyver me a way into this can of San Marzanos!

Casey and Carla both step aside in the interest of self-preservation, while everyone else makes like a British soccer match trying to get to the easily-accessed ingredients. As a result, Carla ends up with black quinoa--a grain she knows will be nearly impossible to cook properly in 45 minutes. She brilliantly and charmingly refers to it as "un-done-te quinoa" when Tony and Padma come around. Casey at least gets chicken livers.

I thought this was going to be Richard's first misstep, but his sea slug-looking pressure-cooked onion stuffed with raisins and pine nuts garnered neither tops nor bottoms. Similarly, Dale's (I guess I don't have to call him Little anymore) Spanish-influenced crab and oyster stuffing didn't get the praise I thought it would. And Angelo, Isabella, Antonia, and Tiffany didn't even get screen time for their dishes.

Tony singles out Carla's obviously undercooked quinoa, Tiffani's oversweet soy maple stuffing with quail (a flaw she acknowledged before judging), and Casey's un-stuffing-esque mushrooms and crispy chicken livers as the bottom three dishes. Tops are Tre's spicy but well-balanced Southwestern stuffing with apple-smoked bacon (yes, Tre, we get it) and cheddar, and Marcel's delicious-sounding whole squab stuffed with raisin brioche, cherries, currants and ras al hanout gravy. I'm at a loss as to how Tre's pedestrian Tex-Mex takes the win over Marcel's dish, but it does. Tre gets to cash out, and goes so far as to run up and hug Tony and Padma. Between that and the laugh, I think Tre really has gone bonkers.

After the very timely and seasonal Quickfire Challenge of making stuffing (a holiday tradition, dontchaknow), the chefs learn that their Elimination Challenge will be….at the summer New York tennis classic, the U.S. Open! Hooray for chronological dissonance! They'll have to cook relatively healthy food, with high energy content. Yellow and Orange tennis balls separate the chefs into two teams. Team Yellow: Angelo, Spike, Tiffany, Tre, Tiffani, Casey, Jamie. Team Orange: Richard, Dale, Carla, Isabella, Marcel, Fabio, Antonia.

Teams will serve one dish at a time, head-to-head style, and winning dishes will accrue points in the tennis style (0-15-30-40-win).

The teams get 15 minutes to plan. Yellow wants to put their weakest dish up first, thinking that Orange will put their strongest dish forward to establish momentum--thereby wasting it. Okay, but a point's a point, guys. Carla sticks to her guns despite Dale's pooh-poohing, and will make a peanut stew; she's a runner, and knows her energy foods. Antonia, on the other hand, acknowledges that she smoked a lot of pot in high school rather than playing sports. Look for some sort of Frito-based dish from her.

Fabio still has a culinary boner for gnocchi, but without the right implements he's forced to make them by hand. More power to ya, buddy. Angelo's fish turns out to be slimy and gross; he hits up Tre for some salmon, but he declines. Tiffany assents, and hands over some tuna.

Tom arrives in his chefly vestments, and encounters a lot of cloak-and-dagger about Team Yellow's strategy. Angelo and Spike, safely ensconced in the back of the kitchen away from prying ears, finally give up the plan. Tom is, appropriately, bemused. And after the shark finishes circling, Carla draws blood; she chops a chunk of her fingertip (or nail) off. The medics advise a hospital trip, but Carla asks what they'll be able to do--she's already made a clean cut. She tapes it up, puts on a glove, and gets back to work while the camera lingers on morose Jamie, trying to disappear in her pot of hardly-cooked chickpeas.

As the chefs arrive at Arthur Ashe Stadium, Spike is pressing for Jamie to go first because her dish doesn't appear to have a chance of A) winning a point, B) being done, or C) being good. She was never really keen on this "weakest first" plan (to be honest, I thought it'd be a tough sell to whomever was picked as "weakest"), and refuses. They're all standing around as Padma yells at them to put someone forward, so Casey just speaks up and there you go. She'll be up against Fabio, who has "the best gnocchi in town." (Said in inimitable Fabio fashion.)

Fabio v. Casey
Whole wheat egg white gnocchi, pork loin ragout, caramelized fennel, zucchini goes up against grilled brined pork tenderloin salad with farro, cherries, sugar snap peas, and a vinaigrette. Fabio's gnocchi are going over well, especially with Tom. Casey's dish, though nominally a salad, is too heavy. Fabio takes the point, and goes apeshit--in a fairly charming way. Casey actually looks hurt.

15-0, Orange

Dale v. Tiffani
Edamame dumpling, spicy carrot froth, crispy soy nuts goes up against black bass sashimi, avocado, and ponzu vinaigrette. Padma is the lone holdout for Dale; the rest all prefer Tiffani's bass, and she takes the point. Prior to this matchup, Angelo proclaims that now, with the Big Plan out the window, they just need to go for the win. Good plan!

15-15

Angelo v. Marcel
Smoked tuna, yuzu gelée, red onion, capers, camphor foam goes up against cauliflower couscous, pomegranate seeds, golden raisins, and yellowfin tuna. Who knew camphor foam was something edible? Angelo's got almost all the makings of a great bagel and smoked fish platter in Montreal, and Marcel…well, Marcel's got nothing in this one. The judges run with Angelo's dish all the way.

30-15, Yellow

Tiffany v. Antonia
Spiced tuna (fennel, peppercorn, coriander seeds), lentil salad, mustard vinaigrette goes up against scallop, Indian lentil purée, mint, dandelion (misspelled on-screen) greens, cilantro, chives. Both of these sound pretty good, and the judging bears out the tough call. Tom breaks the tie for the Black Hammer; Antonia takes the point.

30-30

Spike v. Richard
Tomato tamarind soup, olive oil poached shrimp, pineapple, tomato, dill (and a dab of yuzu gelée that Angelo and Tiffani decided was really vital to Spike's dish, without Spike's explicit approval) goes up against "Thai-bouleh" with lamb, herbs, and yogurt. Neither protein really wows Mantuano, which is bad for Richard since Spike's was a last-minute recook. Tom loves Spike's soup but hates the shrimp. Richard doesn't exactly plate a behemoth, but he takes the win in decisive fashion.

40-30, Orange

[At this point, it's worth noting a couple things. 1) In tennis, the next point after 40 wins the game. That makes the upcoming pairing a match point scenario. 2) You'll also note that there are two pairings yet to serve. If Team Orange wins the next point, the match is over with two chefs never having plated. 3) Only the point losers from the losing team are up for elimination, while only the point winners from the winning team are up for the big win. And 4) Jamie is literally hiding crouched behind her beanpot as her teammates decide who's up next.]

Carla v. Tre
African groundnut soup, baked sweet potatoes, adzuki beans, peanuts goes up against Coho salmon (cooked by Angelo to "assist," though Casey thought it might be a little overdone), parsnip purée, olive oil sauce with citrus, tomatoes, and olives. You'll note that Tre has immunity, and is still being put up in the decisive pairing. This should make it clear how tiny Jamie is trying to make herself behind those awful, awful chickpeas. The judges still split, with Gail preferring spicy stew over crispy/overdone fish. That gives Carla--and Team Orange--the win. Isabella and Jamie are left out of the competition, for both victory and elimination. Had Jamie lost the last point instead of Tre, she'd be heading to Judges' Table.

But first, the top four. Fabio, Carla, Richard, and Antonia--the winning team's point-winners--head out to see who gets a trip to Italy from Terlato.

Top Chef All-Stars - Mise en someone else's place

2010-12-16T00:09:00.001-06:00

Sorry for my lateness. I had to bust some chops in state government this week, and the recap got back-burnered.

Looks like this season will have each episode start with that cool shot of the empty judges' table and a snippet of conversation in the Stew Room post-dismissal. I dig it. The chefs kind of take shots at Jamie for leaving with her insignificant injury--though to their credit, they mostly do it to her face--and we're off for the races on another week of Top Chef All-Stars.

Supertrendychef David Chang joins Padma in greeting the competitors to the kitchen. Their random order of entry will group them into four teams of four. The Quickfire Challenge? A simultaneous mise en place race--three ingredients to be prepped by the team--and then creating a dish based on those ingredients. The catch: the first team to finish the mise en race sets the 15 minute timer for the rest of the teams to finish their dish prep. You fall behind, you're boned.

With no immunity but $5,000 per winning team member on the line, the chefs get to work. Racks of ribs are broken down, garlic is minced, artichokes are peeled. Team Green (Angelo, Fabio, Tiffany, and Isabella) are smoking, while Team White (Little Dale, Carla, Marcel, and Tiffani) are struggling in spite of Marcel's rib-frenching confidence.

Team Blue (Stephen, Richard, Tre, and Spike) get nitpicked by Chang on the fineness and neatness of their garlic mince; they eventually get enough done, well enough. Team Red (Antonia, Jamie, Casey, and Big Dale) are just happy that there aren't any onions in this race. (Video evidence is presented, reminding everyone how excruciatingly slowly Casey dices an onion.) At the end of the race, with Team Green setting the pace for the dish prep portion, two teams are left so far back that they're forced to do a carpaccio to save time.

After sampling all the dishes, Chang's bottom two teams are the speedy Greens--whose dill and thyme blew out the rest of the flavors in their lamb with garlic and tandoor yogurt-- and the time-pressed Reds and their carpaccio sans nuance. At the top, the Whites crafted another carpaccio so good that Chang called it "unique." But the winning team is the Blues, and their crispy fried lamb chop with artichoke served three ways and chili aioli--bold and tasty.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs get to learn what it would have been like if they'd parlayed their original run on Top Chef into massive fame and success. Each team will hit a top-class restaurant in New York and create a dish that would be worthy of placement on the menu there. Green: Chang's Má Pêche (no Michelin stars, but two from the New York Times). Red: David Burke's Townhouse (no Michelin stars, but two NYT stars for its previous incarnation as David Burke and Donatella). Blue: Michael White's Marea (two Michelin stars, three NYT stars). White: Wylie Dufresne's wd~50 (one Michelin star, three NYT stars).

The chefs will compete within their respective kitchens, as opposed to working as a team, and the BUM-BUM-BUMMMM of this week is that two chefs will be going home. Fabio, always one to keep his eyes on the ball, is rendered speechless not by the increased chance of being eliminated, but in having to cook French-Vietnamese food in Ma Peche's kitchen.

At Má Pêche, everyone gets annoyed with Angelo's over-opinionating. (I know the feeling, buddy.) Stephen, who eats at Marea all the time you know, grates on Tre for much the same reason. Wiley Dufresne appears to halt a bit upon seeing Marcel in his dining room. Everyone at Townhouse is terrified by the wackiness--except for Big Dale, who is thrilled at the apparent license to let his freak flag fly.

Grocery shopping continues to go largely unshown, but at least we got to see the Whole Foods logo, amirite?? In the kitchens, Isabella is, amazingly, totally dismissive of Tiffany's crudo concept but very confident in his own. Broads, man--thinkin' they can be all competitive and capable an' shit. Carla busts out the nitro, trying to show that she can go outside her comfort zone in her own way and still succeed. Stephen's spazzing a bit; Richard notes that he seems out of his element. And it's possible that Tre has gone a bit bye-bye since his last run on the show. Lots of manic laughter that I don't remember from before.

Kate Krader of Food and Wine is along for the dine, and each restaurant's real chef also joins at the table. We get to see the chefs chit-chatting in the car between restaurants, which is a fun change of pace. The meals!

Marea

Tre: Grilled swordfish, braised artichoke, mushroom panna cotta, basil oil. In short: he nails it. Elegant simplicity, and a tasty panna cotta.
Spike: Seared branzino caponata, spicy prosciutto vinaigrette. The skin has a nice crispy texture, but in calling his condiment a caponata, Spike draws criticism for it being dry and loose.
Richard: Crudo of Spanish mackerel, braised veal shank, fennel mostarda. Elegant, delicious. The chefs all like it; Richard's introspection about self-editing while dining at Marea appears to have paid off.
Stephen: Coho salmon condito, black mission figs, broccoli rapini, fennel pollen. Bourdain's bon mot ("it tastes like a headshop") summarizes in his unique way what others also find: the pollen flavor is a bit aggressive.

Má Pêche

Fabio: Roasted lamb, hoisin plum barbecue sauce, corn tomato salad, lemongrass chèvre ricotta. Always a bad sign, Colicchio is bewildered by this dish. So too is Chang, who would never combine these components. Bourdain thinks Fabio is "lost in the woods" on this one.
Tiffany: Crudo of summer flounder, pickled radish, peach purée. It's missing something: likely the flair that would make it a fit on a Chang menu. Chang says this is something you could find at Daniel or something. Probably not meant as a dig at Chef Boulud, but it came off as one anyway.
Isabella: Cured sockeye salmon (warm), charcoal eggplant, marinated tomatoes, pickled peach. It's not over-the-top wacky, and Tom loves the eggplant.
Angelo: Turmeric-marinated fish (unspecified), dill, cilantro, salmon roe, chorizo, white chocolate. Angelo wants to make a splash with the white chocolate inclusion, and he succeeds. Krader finds the flavor combination exciting, and Chang hails it as innovative.

Townhouse

Big Dale: Roasted veal loin, peanuts, popcorn, french toast, corn, thyme caramel. In the kitchen, Dale was constantly asking Casey for her opinion. My opinion upon seeing the dish? The judges are either going to LOVE it or HATE it. And indeed, while the diners comment on the creativity of the concept, they all agree that it was way too sweet.
Antonia: Pea purée, carrot purée, seared scallop, pickled carrot, mint oil. While she wasn't shy with the salt shaker, Antonia's playful take on peas and carrots pleases Burke.
Casey: Coconut halibut "scallop," tapioca "caviar," ginger carrot emulsion. Lots of " " in there, but Burke loves it.
Jamie: Smoked tomato and bacon soup, heirloom tomato salad, smoked burrata, charred onion vinaigrette. The smoke is insignificant. There's no "wow" from Burke on this one. Did Jamie really think that soup and salad would amaze anyone? I fail to understand the people who are Jamie fans. Never saw anything from her that really seemed impressive.

wd~50

Little Dale: Sunny side up egg dumpling, braised pork belly, milk-style ramen with bacon, beef, and pork. Dale knows that Wylie loves eggs (he's been paying attention), and his dumpling looks like just the right balance between sumptuous and overwrought for a mad scientist like Wylie. Dale also notes that you're not going to win over the chef by doing a poor approximation of his techniques, so he's not trying to go all MG for no good reason. Bourdain and Colicchio both love it, hailing the complexity of the flavors.
Tiffani: Broken summer heirloom melon, powdered ham and taleggio. Compare Dale's restraint with Tiffani's runaway train of molecular gastronomy. Her pre-frozen melons come out watery and intrusively bad. A murky composition.
Carla: Poached shrimp, grits, okra chips. While Carla's attitude was also good going into this challenge, I don't really see how this fits with a wd~50 aesthetic. The diners note that it's a bit safe, but technically impressive and a smart tack to take considering her traditional background.
Marcel: Vadouvan lamb, tzatziki, pickled red onion, anti-flatbread (inspired by Dufresne's aerated foie gras). Marcel was the star of the mid-break vignette, narrated partially by Little Dale. Dale describes the alleged beef between a wd~50 sous chef/line cook and Marcel, related to alleged plagiarism of a dish. Marcel comments to the confessional camera about the so-perfect-you-couldn't-write-it drama of him cooking in wd~50's kitchen. The camera catches Marcel looking at the camera during a non-competitive moment--and the showrunners brilliantly chose to close the segment with it. Kind of makes it seem like Marcel wants drama, but I have to admit I've been appreciating his presence this season. Not so much the diners with this dish. Bourdain notes that it's a bit restrained for Marcel, and Dufresne wonders if Marcel's MG technique skill was applied in a way that improved the dish. Ironic, considering Marcel was questioning Tiffani's application of MG technique on her dish.

Carla is charmingly self-deprecating about her use of an immersion circulator as Padma arrives at the Stew Room and calls out Little Dale, Angelo, Antonia, and Tre. They are, as you can surmise from the above commentary, the top chefs from each restaurant. The winner's going to get six nights in New Zealand along with airfare.

Antonia gets props for her peas-n-carrots riff. Angelo's white chocolate was "kind of genius." Tre's swordfish was a perfectly-done star turn. But Little Dale, who looks like he's about to fire up the bus for a tour at the zoo with that shorts and hat combo, takes the win for balancing respectable technical flourish with unimpeachable quality. Little guy's going to the land of hobbits! And the Angelo winning streak is over at 2.

Stephen, Tiffani, Fabio and Big Dale get called out. "Fight hard, but not too hard," says Carla. "Don't pull a Jen," advises Antonia, coining a new phrase in the Top Chef lexicon.

Fabio is dinged for overpainting on his canvas. Too much fat, the cassoulet was over-reduced; he appears to take it well this time. Stephen claims Italian expertise (Fabio raises an eyebrow high enough the camera almost has to track up to follow it), but his dish had an unpleasant perfumey taste that bothered Bourdain more than the well-cooked salmon pleased him. Tiffani acknowledges that she over-reached. Big Dale tells the judges that his inspiration wasn't so much Chef Burke's menu, but a breakfast dish off of his own menu. The judges note that this indeed felt like a breakfast dish + veal. Bleh.

Tiffani crossed the line between homage and parody--ouch! Stephen was too excited by his surroundings, but did parts well; that's bad enough for a dismissal. Fabio's dish lacked both Asianness and confidence, but he stays. Big Dale, despite cooking and seasoning his veal well, turned his dish into a circus act and gets the boot. I picked the complete opposite of this result before the end of Judges Table, and I'm still a little bewildered by Stephen and Big Dale going home. To his credit, Stephen subtly acknowledges that he's not really a kitchen chef anymore, and it was fun to go back. A classy exit. But Big Dale--we'll miss you, ya big goofball.

NEXT: The US Open, another finger slice, and Angelo appears to be dusting off the Svengali persona.

A renaissance of the (Rocky) Rococo style

2010-12-14T08:27:00.008-06:00

Madison's got some pretty decent pizza. It may not be New York or Chicago, but as a pizza buff, I'm happy. But in a town with Roman Candle, Ian's, Glass Nickel, and even Topper's--to say nothing of Neapolitan joints Cafe Porta Alba and Pizza Brutta--Rocky Rococo falls solidly into the "afterthought" category for me. It's as impactful on my everyday life as the style of art whose name it borrows.

Circumstances, however, have conspired to raise my awareness of that hoary old white-suited, bespectacled stereotype of a mascot. Madison A to Z landed on Rocky's Party Pizzeria back in May, and posted in early July--that was inevitable. But then, not a week later, another hit. Slice, the pizza-centric offshoot of Serious Eats, posted a review of Rocky Rococo as the best budget pizza of Madison, if not the upper Midwest.

"About as good as budget pizza can get," they said. "If the choice is between Rocky Rococo and any national low-cost pizza chain, the decision to go with Wisconsin's biggest pizza company is an easy one," they said. What's going on here? Little Caesar's offers a whole pizza for $5, while Rocky's slices start at $3. Are they really that much better than the venerable old Hot 'n' Readys?

Sean Weitner and James Norton at Heavy Table certainly seem to think so. Last week, they penned a love letter of sorts, singing the relative merits of "so bad it's good" Rocky's.

"If I had to evaluate pizzas based on any single topping, I’d choose sausage, and Rocky’s sausage is heavenly," Sean writes. "Rocky’s," James replies, "at least does what it does festively." Heavenly? Festively? Are we still talking about pizza, or the Feast of the Assumption?

I decided that I needed to re-evaluate Rocky Rococo pizza in light of all this attention. A midday trip into town over my lunch break provided the perfect opportunity to visit the Regent location of Rocky's without forcing my wife--not a fan, we'll say--to accompany me.

Back in my young and poorer days, Rocky Rococo was a regular lunch spot when I worked somewhere else: the mall. I do recall the sausage being pretty good, so I stuck with both my memory and the specific suggestions of Slice and Heavy Table. A slice of sausage and mushroom pizza came with four big chunks of sausage, well-caramelized on top but juicy underneath. Certainly tasty.

I know the slice had mushrooms on it because that's what the menu said--but I'll be damned if they made any impression on me. The cheese, lauded by Heavy Table as "thick and gooey" and full of "cheesy savor." Must be a hit-or-miss deal; though my slice was piping-hot, the cheese was semi-congealed and sludgy. Better that less is said of the crust and sauce.

So sure, the sausage is really quite nice. But is the caloric intake of all that greasy crust, mushy cheese, and bizarrely-seasoned sauce earn a pass as a vehicle for Italian sausage delivery? And is it distinguishable from, say, Kwik Trip Cheese Mountain pizza? If you put Rocky's sausage on Kwik Trip's pizza, I suspect not. In fact, I'd probably prefer the result of that exchange.

Bully on Rocky Rococo--a Madison original--for making a recognizable, signature product. Better to be distinctly odd than indistinctly mediocre (see Dominos/Pizza Hut/Papa John's), I say. But I think this passage from James at Heavy Table sums up why some folks yen to Rocky's so much:

And yet, it’s got that guilty pleasure thing going on for me. ... [I]t’s sort of like Proust’s madeleine… one bite, and I’m chilling on State Street in 1993, chowing down on slices with my friends, having some kind of overly earnest and ultimately misinformed conversation about girls.

There's no way to argue with that.

Top Chef All-Stars - Bang a gong, get it on

2010-12-08T23:46:00.001-06:00

First, a hearty welcome to those of you joining for the first time via 77 Square's "Recent Obsessions" column today. (Lindsay, I'm betting I have you to thank.) There may be some inside jokes and "you had to be there" moments in my recaps, but I try to make them at least a little approachable for new readers.

~~~

Well, we knew it would happen at some point in Top Chef All-Stars. A returning chef would insist upon his or her righteousness and, fueled mostly by the bravado of seasons past and the restaurant popularity that followed, go down in a blaze of glory. But be honest: we all kind of expected it to be Fabio, right? Especially after essentially challenging Anthony Bourdain to fisticuffs last week?

An epic, slightly bizarre hissyfit (which we'll get to at the end) was entirely appropriate in an episode so focused on the fickleness of children. After a cold open that put us right in the Stew Room following Elia's dismissal--wherein the chefs just then realized that anyone could go home at any time (Did any of them talk to Tre about that? He knew.)--we're introduced to this Joe Jonas fellow. Some of you may have heard of him. Not Little Dale, who remarked, "I thought he might be a pastry chef…?"

No, young Joe Jonas is here as a surprise guest for a sleepover at the American Museum of Natural History. The Quickfire Challenge, which Joe will weigh in on, asks the chefs to create the midnight snack for the little rugrats. It's got to be brown paper bag-ready, and can't require utensils. There will be immunity for the winner, plus an advantage in the Elimination Challenge.

Richard's smart, and notes that it would be wise to make the dish appealing to Joe, too, since he's judging. Big Dale just goes all-sugar for his snack; "basically, I'm making crack for small children." In the kitchen, Little Dale isn't ingratiating himself to this crop of chefs, having taken the entire container of sugar and left it sitting at his station. Isabella's sweating his dish as the clock ticks down, but of course he turns down an offer of assistance from Antonia; you all remember how lovely he was with female competition in his season, yes?

This being a supersized episode, we got a close-up on every single QF dish. Some, like Spike's potato and carrot chips with mascarpone-marshmallow dip and Tiffany's coconut rice pudding with grapefruit sauce, seemed like odd combinations. A few chefs chose to include bacon, mostly to their detriment; Tre's cracker with cranberry and cherry jam and apple-smoked bacon was pretty uninspired, while Jennifer's bacon ginger taffy looked like congealed bacon fat. And I can't tell if Angelo was joking when he initially called his fried dough, white pepper, old bay, and cheddar crumb dish "Cheese Crisps 2010: The New Evolution." Something tells me that was a shot at Kevin's Singapore Sling 2010 from last season's finale. If so, nicely played. If not? Sigh.

At the bottom: Tiffany's messy rice pudding, Isabella's chocolate coconut corn bars with coconut horchata chaser (a nice idea, but when you can't drive home the chocolateyness, you're hurting), and Stephen's snickerdoodle sandwich with white chocolate, coconut ganache, apricot and mint (the latter ingredient too weak in an already-off combination).

The tops: Spike, and Tiffani's rice crispy treat snowball with malted milk and graham crackers. And surprise surprise, the kids will pick the winner in a taste test. The rest of the chefs are selected playground style to be the prep teams for each of the top two (Fabio picked last), and set to work politicking with the kids to curry favor. The clear star? This kid, who I'm quite certain enjoyed Tiffani's sugarbomb, and would have exploded had Big Dale's "caveman boulders" of pretzels, Whoppers, and cinnamon graham crackers been a top-two dish.

No shock, Tiffani gets the win. By a landslide.

As the chefs are left to clean up after the whirlwind of prepubescence, Tom strolls in and informs the chefs that the Elimination Challenge starts now. You're joining the sleepover. Create a breakfast for the kids and their parents; service will start at 7:30 in the morning. Museum kitchen supplies only, and the teams will be differentiated by the two skeletons in this room: brontosaurus and tyrannosaurus rex. One team can use only animal products, the other only plant. Tiffani gets to pick, as the QF winner, and she goes with T-rex. Only when they get to the kitchen does she realize she hadn't really been paying attention to Tom's instructions; she thought she got to use everything. This means their herbs and baking concepts are all out the window.

Some of the chefs set to take a power nap on their cots in the Hall of North American Mammals (Stephen bemoaning the step down from his posh Manhattan loft, Tre noting that he won't be able to sleep in the nude like he usually does), while others (the boys) go on a flashlight tour of the museum. At 3:45, everyone's up and moving, and mostly happy when they arrive at the very well-appointed museum kitchen. The teams have both grouped off internally, with clusters of two chefs working on dishes together.

Stephen and Fabio set to work on gnocchi without eggs or cream (a tough sell for breakfast and a tough task for only two hours). Little Dale and Isabella's polenta cakes aren't setting, so they're going with straight-up polenta. Tiffany and Antonia struggle with a balky oven, which is hampering their ability to cook frittatas evenly. And then Jamie slices her thumb while working on a slab of bacon. The on-site medic says she needs stitches, so off she goes. This doesn't sit well with Fabio (who broke his thumb during a challenge in his season, and stayed), and other chefs are equally dubious. Casey's dubious, too--but of that bacon Jamie was working on. Jennifer's final product doesn't seem to impress.

Service is outdoors, so the chefs load up and move out. Casey doesn't leave herself time to taste Tre's sauce, which he acknowledges is a little spicy; this is usually trouble. One thing I was most intrigued to see was Angelo pulling his usual "just let me do this for you" routine on their fruit parfait, having Carla quarter some plums that Marcel wanted halved. This shtick won't work with a master manipulator like Marcel, so I'll be interested to see how this develops; does Angelo have the chops to push Marcel around? And speaking of chops, Jamie's back--with two stitches. This doesn't help her reputation with her teammates.

No Bourdain this week (which is too bad, since he has a little daughter and would probably have some good perspective on this challenge); instead, we bear witness to the return of Katie Lee. It's the reunion no one was waiting for! Yay!

Team Brontosaurus

Little Dale and Isabella: Corn grits, stewed peppers, salsa verde. Gail finds it creative, while the young museum staffers don't enjoy the texture.

Marcel, Richard, and Angelo: Banana parfait with seasonal fruit and tandoori maple. The kids all like the banana, and Gail thinks it's presented beautifully.

Carla and Spike: "V9," or gazpacho with fruits and vegetables. It's a bit spicy for the kids, and the yellow peppers stand out in a bad way.

Fabio and Stephen: Potato gnocchi with leeks, spinach, and mushrooms. Katie likes the flavor profile, and perhaps most importantly, Tom is impressed that the gnocchi are actually soft. (The mid-commercial break vignette sequence shows Fabio pimping his gnocchi hard to all the adults, and most of the kids. Spike says he's "kind of like a car salesman." Richard, with a grin: "Vote for Fabio.")

Team T-Rex

Antonia and Tiffany: Frittata trio (bacon/cheddar, ham/cheese, chêvre). As suspected, the doneness is uneven. Katie's is nearly uncooked at the center.

Tre and Casey: Coho salmon with shrimp-smoked bacon sauce. A good team, but a poor effort. Tre's sauce is terminally salty, and though the fish is cooked well, there are still some bones.

Jennifer and Jamie: Braised bacon topped with hard-boiled eggs. The bacon is chewy, and the eggs are flavorless. Jamie notes before service that, as a result of her absence, this wasn't what "her dish" looked like.

Big Dale and Tiffani: Steak and parmesan eggs with smoked paprika crème fraiche hollandaise. The steak is good, the sauce is great.

Padma visits the Stew Room and calls out Team Brontosaurus. After they leave, T-Rex badmouths their choices. Jennifer says she stopped cooking for the diners in these challenges a long time ago, and that it's just for her and for the judges in her mind. Big Dale points out that's a little selfish, but Jen doesn't really seem to care.

At Judges Table, the Chefs Brontosaurus learn they're the winning team. While Stephen and Fabio's gnocchi dish earns praise (good rebound for both of them), it's the elegant and tasty parfait constructed by Marcel, Richard, and Angelo that takes the win. Another win for Angelo, but Marcel tells the confessional camera that he probably would have gotten the win had it been one chef selected. The feud deepens…

Team T-Rex goes out to take their punishment, and Tiffani keeps on going with the "I thought T-rexes were omnivores" routine. Tom knows he was clear with the instructions, so it's a done deal. Steak and eggs: they were good, but hardly a challenge. Tre doesn't have a great defense of his sauce, especially when he says that he knew it was probably over-reducing yet didn't take steps to fix it. Jennifer's making a lot of faces at the criticisms leveled, and Padma notes that she looks pissed off. She is. She doesn't think she or the team belong in this situation. She makes some snide noises at Gail. Tom asks why the team chose to plate everything on one big plate. Jennifer says (and we saw this in the promo following last week's episode) that the judges are smart; why didn't they just ask for fresh plates? Tom's in no mood to be sidetracked, and says that someone on the team should have been smart enough to see the error.

This is pretty much where it all falls apart.

Antonia doesn't mince words about Jamie's lack of toughness, saying that basically the entire team agrees that she abandoned her duties for no good reason. Jen goes on to say that she disagrees completely with all the complaints about their dishes, and hers in particular. She is manic, vociferous. This isn't an angry defense of a misjudged dish; this is a dissociative meltdown. Other Judges Table fracases have been fun to watch, but this was just kind of uncomfortable.

The team is sent back while the judges deliberate; Tom's got too level a head to get upset about this. He says the loser's going to go home for bad food, not for mouthing off. When the chefs come back out, Tiffani and Dale are excused as safe. Though Antonia and Tiffany are better chefs than their frittata output, and Casey and Tre should have taken more steps to ensure the quality of their product, it is the steak and eggs dish that gets the stinkiest of eyes. Since everyone on the team said they didn't miss Jamie at all (really--they all said that), it's Jennifer who takes the fall and is shown the door.

She laughs the irrational laugh of someone who has separated completely from responsibility and, I'd say, reality. The other chefs seem totally blown away; Tom tweeted before the show aired that the ending of this episode would be "shocking." The only shock I felt was that Jen had gone off the rails so far, so fast. She says her goodbyes to a stunned Stew Room, then blows up in a burst of profanity outside the room, just off-camera. To the confessional, with a frightening seriousness, she says, "The judges got it wrong."

No, they really didn't. I hope Eric Ripert gave you a good talking-to when you got back to work, Jen. Your reputation took a well-earned shot this week.

NEXT: A double elimination, Tiffani freezes her melons, and Marcel versus Wiley Dufresne.

RIP Terriers, or, "A tune popped into my head this morning."

2010-12-06T12:23:00.002-06:00

Today was a real kick in the pants for about 800,000 fans of quality television programming: FX officially cancelled Terriers.

Terriers, you ask? What is this dog show of which you speak?

And that right there is the reason it's gone. FX evidently took a page straight from NBC's Kings playbook, and mis-marketed Terriers right into the poorhouse. Just as NBC's gorgeous alt-history drama epic wasn't The OC in a castle, Terriers wasn't a show about angry dogs. But that's what the advertisements would have you assume.

The two stars, Donal Logue and Michael Raymond-James, were barely visible in pre-show marketing. And understand me when I say that they're 99% of the reason to tune into the show. The other 85% is everything else about the show: the writing, the cinematography, the co-stars, the incredibly infectious theme song…the questionable math. The dog on the website and all the promotional images doesn't even appear in the damn show.

I'd like to think that if CBS viewers could crank up their oxygen flow enough to muster the energy to save Jericho, then certainly the young, vigorous, and angry fans of Terriers could bombard FX into a 180-degree reversal on the fortunes of the show. Hell, it's still possible--you could always email FX at user@fxnetworks.com, just to remind them how annoyed you are--but it's not likely to work.

The fact is, those of us who liked the show early enough to see this as a possible conclusion just didn't bring in enough of our friends and family members in time. I know I got at least three new viewers to the show (one of them my wife, hardly a coup), but that was with a couple weeks to go. FX has decided that, rather than stake themselves to a loss-leader, a quality show that speaks to philosophy over economy, they'd go the traditional route and axe the sucker. That's disappointing, FX--but not particularly shocking.

It's very tempting to boycott FX in response. But I was never going to tune in to Sons of Anarchy anyway, and I never watched The Shield, so it's kind of meaningless to lose me as a viewer. And the fact of the matter is that Justified is also a really great show, also airing on FX, and also deserving of viewers and support. Of course, FX is giving this show support; see the premiere ratings of both Terriers and Justified (1.6 vs. 4.2 million) to show what good marketing and a name that makes sense can do for a show.

So mourn Terriers. Buy the theme song (Gunfight Epiphany by Robert Duncan). Check out some episodes on iTunes and Hulu. Definitely pick up the show whenever it comes out. The season (I still can't say "series") told a complete story with a satisfying ending. Even if this is the end of Hank Dolworth and Britt Pollack, their ride into the sunset is worth investing in.

(And if you watch the pilot episode, you'll get the title of this post, which is just the irritating kind of dumbassery that FX used in naming Terriers. Sorry.)

Top Chef All-Stars - Meet the new boss

2010-12-01T23:25:00.006-06:00

Marcella: You know, when you start getting invited to your ten year high school reunion, time is catching up.
Martin Blank: Are you talking about a sense of my own mortality, or a fear of death?
Marcella: Well, I never really thought about it quite like that.
Martin: Did you go to yours?
Marcella: Yes, I did. It was just as if everyone had swelled.

Grosse Pointe Blank, 1997

That was the scene my wife referenced not long into the premiere of Top Chef All-Stars, as we were reintroduced to fan favorites and villains from seasons past--and many of them brought more than just emotional baggage back to the TC Kitchen. (I'm looking at you, Isabella!)

Along with all these competitors we've met before, we get an official prize sponsor we haven't: Buitoni. Nice to see a food company sponsoring the show's $200,000 megaprize rather than hand soap or snack bags. Not that anyone's rushing to conspicuously throw some Buitoni penne rigate in their skillets ("Oh, look at this Buitoni pasta, I think I'll try some!"); multiple chefs made fresh pasta in this week's episode, and largely to great acclaim.

It would appear, from the reactions during everyone's arrival at the apartment, that no one knows who else is coming. I like that. I like even more that no one apparently knew who would be judging this season. Bricks were indeed shat as Padma announced the looming presence of little dark stormcloud Anthony Bourdain. What I find interesting are the faces of the chefs as they re-entered the TC Kitchen; you can tell who's genuinely too crazy to be intimidated (Dale Talde, Fabio), and who's all bluster (still looking at you, Isabella).

And names: we've got to set the road rules for our two doppelgängers, the Dales and Tiffani/ys. Dale Talde, the angry one, will be Little Dale, because have you seen Dale Levitsky? My man has been sampling the wares--and I say this with love, because I'm probably only a few pounds behind him. So he'll be Big Dale. And as for the Tiffs, I think you're just going to have to get used to knowing which one has an I (that would be "me me best season original gangster me" Tiffani Faison) and which one's got a Y (Tiffany Derry of Season 7, who has two Y's in her name). There's your mnemonic. And also an indication of which one I like more.

Grudges return, as Elia is still bearing ill will (if passive-aggressively) toward Marcel. Also not looking forward to the potential presence of Marcel is Fabio, still stinging from his Very Special Reunion Special rebuffing from Astroboy. Of course, who happens to be on the welcoming committee when the elevator doors open for Fabio? Yep. Pretty awesome, and I'm guessing unscripted.

We also got a grim reminder of Top Chefs Past in the disembodied voice of Katie Lee (née Joel), aka the Pre-Padma, from the clips of Tiffani and Harold at the Season 1 finale. Gee, her voice wasn't annoying at all. (Admission: I still haven't watched the first season, mostly because Netflix still has it on my Saved list. But was she always that droningly nasal? ...Checks Wikipedia…yep.)

So, black chef coats donned (gotta cop to it, the black gave me the chills a little; I'm a total dork), the chefs get their first Quickfire of their Second Chance Season. Work as a team with your seasonmates, and make a dish that represents your season's city. Winning team gets immunity. It's a good challenge, and you've got to wonder if the other chefs were upset or relieved that they didn't have as many cooks in the kitchen as Season 3's team. Chicago being represented by Little Dale, Antonia, Spike, and Richard--let's say there's not a lot of air left in that room.

It's easy to forget that each season of Top Chef has been in a different city. Season 1 (San Francisco) does a cioppino gazpacho with sourdough croutons. Season 2 (Los Angeles) goes for shrimp tacos with an apple "tortilla." Season 3 (Miami) goes Cuban, with pork tenderloin, avocado-lime purée, tostones, and habanero sauce. Season 4 (Chicago) deconstructs a Chicago dog with fresh sausage and savory mustard ice cream; oh, that Richard Blais! Season 5 (New York) splits up for a trio of apple-based dishes (soup, pasta with sausage, and ribeye). Season 6 (Las Vegas) hopes to call to mind mobster food (?) a bacon-lobster carbonara with fresh bucatini; I guess "mobster" rhymes with "lobster," so there's that. Season 7 (Washington, D.C.) goes once more to the crab cakes well, but with essence of crab cakes turned into a brodo for seared rockfish. (Angelo's contender for line of the night, perhaps defending the obviousness of crab cakes: "It's not like I can do an ice carving of George Washington.")

Lots of scrambling at the end, including Stephen inadvertently bumping the tray of rockfish out of Angelo's hands, forcing him to cut new filets with minutes to go. In the end, Seasons 2 (bland shrimp, too-thin apple), 1 (way too much raw garlic), 5 (no cohesion), and 7 (a bit too salty) are at the bottom. Besties are Seasons 3 (great flavors, strong representation of the city), 4 (inventive, Tom digs the ice cream), and 6 (great pasta). The winner, which proves to be exceptionally important, is Season 4: Chicago. Isabella's response (other than "fucking motherfucker," under his breath)? "Sausage with mustard? Big whoop." Mmm, that's good sportsmanship.

Same as the old boss

I had the Elimination Challenge spoiled for me by U-Verse's episode description when I set up the DVR, but it's so deliciously evil that it didn't even matter. Silver serving trays are delivered, and the lids are pulled to reveal the ingredients and description of each of the dishes that got these chefs eliminated the first time. DAMN. Talk about "check your ego at the door." Or, better, "get yourself unfucked," as Bourdain puts it later. The winning effort will retool the sucky original dish without straying too far from the original concept. Three hours tonight, two more tomorrow at the Russian Tea Room.

Here's why this challenge is so awesome. First, there are some spectacular flameouts among the chefs represented this season. Jamie's Ripert-fail with the black bass and braised celery, Carla's steak sous vide a la Casey, Spike's frozen scallop debacle in Rick Tramanto's kitchen, and most wonderfully, Little Dale's miso butterscotch scallops--the single worst thing Anthony Bourdain has ever eaten, even though he mistakenly attributed it to Big Dale during his book tour appearance in Madison. Plus, Stephen will have to remake three dishes, none of which were his own, because his failing back in Season 1 was that he ignored his kitchen duties in deference to his oenophilia at the front-of-house for Restaurant Wars. Brutal!

Perhaps the best part? The producers gave Spike frozen scallops again. But in case you hadn't put it together, that's two incredibly awful dishes, both featuring scallops, on the team that happened to win immunity during the Quickfire. So Butterscotch Scallops and Frozen Scallops are guaranteed to not be losers this time around. That is amazingly fortunate for Little Dale and Spike, though it turns out they probably didn't need fortune--for different reasons.

Elia goes in headstrong, largely ignoring the lessons her original steamed fish disaster should have taught her. Instead, she plows ahead, stopping only to add bacon to the dish--a transparent sop to trendy ingredients. Angelo impresses Richard by his fresh ramen noodle-fu. Little Dale appears to be going a bit loopy in the kitchen, but he's got immunity, as do the lockers in the TC Kitchen. Carla continues to be gracious to Casey's poorly-considered sous vide suggestion during the Season 5 finale, but makes it clear that she's doing her own thing this time around. Classy broad, that Carla.

During the mid-break vignette, Elia addresses her part in the infamous Season 2 head-shaving incident. She acknowledges how young and stupid she was then, and that she hopes to bring a new level of maturity to the competition. We'll see how long that lasts.

Tom the Knife saunters into the kitchen looking dapper, and informs the chefs that they'll be splitting their work in half. Half will cook, the other half will dine with the judges, and then vice versa. We as viewers gotta know what's coming, even if the chefs don't: closed-circuit televisions in the kitchen come in after the food has gone out. Oh, and the winner gets $10,000.

I know Stephen's at a disadvantage cooking dishes that weren't his to begin with, but it really does seem like he's out of practice in the kitchen. Of all the chefs, he seems most ill at ease working with pots and pans rather than schmoozing guests and pouring wine. But perhaps that's fine, since this has always been his failing. As the timer sounds, Richard is still foaming some dishes; other chefs comment out loud on it, but he just wraps up and doesn't appear to notice or care.

Out at the table, hey, you guys all know Anthony Bourdain? Yeah? Okay, let's eat.

Richard gets props all around for his crusted pork belly. Angelo's ramen and pork belly pleases Tony, but he liked it the first time around as I recall. Little Dale's scallops inspire the "unfucked" line from Bourdain, who infinitely prefers these scallops to the original horror. Tiffany's halibut is a little overcooked for Carla, while Antonia wanted more sugar. Tre's almond toast overpowers the salmon. Tiffani's got an unpleasant flavor to her dish. Stephen's three dishes are all over the place, and Tony takes it to him pretty hard. Fabio's pasta en papillote is bizarre, confusing Antonia and infuriating Bourdain. "It looks like an inside-out animal." (Fabio, meanwhile, sounds like he wants to settle it at 3:30 by the bike racks.) Elia's fish is a bit raw, and Big Dale remarks that she seems to have given up on it. There was also a big scale in Marcel's portion. Ouch.

As the second group starts cooking, I wonder something. Jamie's making an Eric Ripert dish, and in the kitchen with her is Jen, who works at an Eric Ripert restaurant. Do you think she should have maybe gone to Jen for a taste-test instead of Casey? Or is there something in the rules that would prohibit that? Anyway, Jamie still hates the dish. Casey is confident she'll show that she can cook pork belly properly. As the chefs in the kitchen learn they were being watched (in horror, natch), we cut to Tom swirling his wine in the background of a shot and sloshing a bunch out. He makes a priceless face, proving that the man is indeed human. Loved it.

Antonia's sausage makes Richard and Tre happy, but Tiffany thinks it's incomplete. Spike successfully masks the crappy scallops in his ceviche, prompting a eureka moment from Bourdain as he remembers the original incident. Cut in the action as he asks, "Is this the craftiest motherfucker who's ever been on the show?" In a word, Tony: yes. Jamie manages to pull off Ripert's black bass dish much better this time, prompting kudos from Richard. As opposed to the stanky original, Isabella--you know I mean Mike, right? I still can't call him that--almost makes his leeks melt-in-your-mouth, and at least nails the presentation. Big Dale's lobster makes Little Dale sad, especially the dumpling; Stephen agrees. Carla's non-sous vided steak is pretty good, but Angelo gets a bad cut of meat that is really unpleasant. Casey nails her dish; Gail Simmons says she redeemed herself. Marcel overdoes the vanilla again, and Fabio says it takes balls to put this dish out. Whether that's a compliment or not isn't a question for Marcel, who fist-pumps in response. Lastly, Jen's duck is a technically flawed non-entity and really disappoints Tiffani.

As rumbles of Richard's timer violation rumble through the Stew Room (mostly emanating from Tiffani), Padma arrives to call out Spike, Jamie, Angelo…and Richard. At Judges' Table, Tom gets right to it. Richard, you're here because you made a great dish, but you went over your time limit, so you're ineligible to win. That's fair, but I was worried for a second that they were going to boot him. It would have been massively overreactionary, but I was worried. Also, I felt like Richard was bullshitting about not being aware of time expiring.

Anyway, Jamie will still absolutely never prepare this dish again if she has a choice. Angelo's watermelon tea, a fascination from the first run of the dish, was perfected in this version. Spike saved a shitty scallop. Hardly seems like a choice, given the various shades of praise here, but in case you hadn't figured it out: Angelo takes the prize. Here we go again!

Called out to take their lashings are Fabio, Stephen, and Elia. Stephen basically cops to ignoring the kitchen side of Restaurant Wars back in Season 1, but feels much more strongly about his output tonight than he has any right to. Monochromatic colors and flavors, wildly bad proportions--just, no. Elia chirps that she added fennel to her fish this time around (leaves out the bacon, wisely--either Tom or Tony would have killed her for it), but Gail won't let her skate on the doneness. It was rare. Like, really rare. Elia says she didn't check internal doneness on all of them, but Tom says no, it was rare on the outside. "You were your own worst enemy," says Tony. We are witnessing a Catholic school-style scolding here, folks. Fabio hears his criticisms--overdone, overgloppy, and what's the deal with that paper?--and chooses to focus on perceived ridicule from Bourdain during service. Basically, he says that he'd be giving Tony a real bustafazoo under different circumstances. Before the chefs are sent off to await the verdict, Elia pleads, "Don't eliminate me, I have a lot more to do. I mean it." Okay, someone better put a tail on this girl or she'll be cooking Colicchio's pet rabbit for next week's Quickfire.

Thankfully, we don't have to worry about that, because despite Fabio's muddled gumbo-pasta-miasma, and Stephen's total failure to grasp the original concept for retooling (perhaps his saving grace, actually), Elia's locked-in, literal-minded non-improvement gets her the boot. She gets some nice support from the chefs, a fellowship totally unique to this setting of successful peers, and leaves the TC Kitchen as easily the best-dressed loser we've seen in a while. Love those shoes, sister, if it's any consolation.

THIS SEASON: Jimmy Fallon, Paula Deen, something that I think is a Jonas, and the chefs finally get to cook against Tom? Sweet! (Hopefully, it'll turn out better than commentator Yukio "Doc" Hattori's epically bad output in Battle Truffle of the original Iron Chef.)

Commence au Top Cheffery!

2010-12-01T14:13:00.003-06:00

Yep, I took a break for one iteration of the Top Chef media empire--and from all indications, it was the right one to skip. But no matter the rigors of bloggeration and recapping and appointment television, there's almost no way I could be expected to resist Top Chef All-Stars. You had me at, well, "All-Stars."

The season premiere is tonight at 10/9 Central, and I'll be posting a recap some time thereafter. If there's one thing Season 7 taught me, it's to not promise a timeline I can't deliver. But I'm going to try to get back to posting before noon on Thursday.

I expect these recaps to be slightly different, since regular viewers will know all these chefs really well. Dale "The Locker Puncher" Talde, the Kind-of-a-Twat Marcel Vigneron, Antonia "The Black Hammer" Lofaso, Zweet Fabio Viviani, and Tre "Creme Anglaise" Wilcox, among others. Not as much exposition, and a little more food commentary.

Plus, who isn't excited about the installation of Anthony Bourdain as a regular judge--hopefully more regular than Eric Ripert last season. Tony's respect for Tom Colicchio and Top Chef is well-known; he gave a lot of props when he spoke in Madison earlier this month.

Should be a good time, guys. See you tomorrow!

All noodle, tastefully done

2010-11-08T14:00:00.000-06:00

From the end of 2006 to the end of 2008, Madison witnessed a flourishing of small-scale, family-run Mexican restaurants. Anecdotally, I can think of Antojitos El Toril, La Concha, Taqueria Guadalajara (originally T. Morelos), Juanita's Tacos (now closed), Taqueria Guanajuato…plus the handful that have opened more recently, like Mexican Lindo and Pan and Pan. If you like a good double-corn-tortilla taco with nary a tomato chunk or lettuce leaf in sight, you're a happy eater here in Madison.

But there's no question that the market is reaching saturation; at the very least, the wave has crested. As with all waves, however, there's another one right behind it. Noodles!

No, not Noodles & Company, the inoffensive global-noodle-cuisine franchise that has itself proliferated throughout the Madison metro area. I mean actual noodle shops of various Asian stripes. It all started, arguably, with Ha Long Bay Bistro on Williamson, which opened at the end of May 2009 and serves killer pho. Thai Noodles arrived in January of this year, followed by Pho Nam, Tai's Asian Bistro & Noodle House, and Lee Asian Bistro. Tagura in Middleton could be included in this, and Umami Dumpling and Ramen Bar is set to join the fray later this year (though judging by the rate of remodel at their location, it might be next year).

So now the pho fan as well as the taco seeker can find ample solace in Madison's rich dining landscape. I'm both pro-noodle and pro-taco, so my hopes are more esoteric. These two cuisines/food genres frequently appear as food cart fare, and often late-night food cart fare at that. I'm hoping that as these businesses open and succeed, they'll turn their sights onto an after-hours cart scene. That'd really take the taco.

What's opera, doc?

2010-11-05T12:23:00.008-05:00

Get ready for something unprecedented at Irony or Mayo: Friday night live-blogging! That's right. I'm going to take a little time out of my busy schedule propping up the cultural and gastronomical significance of the McRib to cover something a little less intellectual.

I'm going to the opera.

I know, I know--you're thinking, Why is he wasting his time on something so trivial and insubstantial, when he could be telling us how much he loves pretzel M&Ms or something? Well, the short answer is: the Overture Center asked nicely, and offered wedding cake.

In all seriousness, I was invited to attend the Madison Opera's performance of Mozart's The Marriage of Figaro for Blogger Night, and I couldn't resist. I like Mozart. I saw Amadeus. And while I've never attended an actual opera, I've seen the "Ride of the Valkyries" Bugs Bunny cartoon about a billion times. I even own a CD of Carl Orff's Carmina Burana, which is pretty operatic.

Still, this will be a new experience. Taking in opera, a foreign mode of stage entertainment for me, and responding critically on the fly. I'm looking forward to it, but be prepared for a Homer Simpson-esque analysis: "That thing is really, really.. really.... good."

The live-blogging shall commence below, shortly before curtains-up. I'll be back to continue during each of the show's two intermissions, and then again after the close of the performance. If you're at Overture for the event, stop by the blogger station and say hi.

In the meantime, enjoy some of the aforementioned Bugs Bunny operatic shenanigans.

The namesake of this post, "What's Opera, Doc?".

"Long-Haired Hare"

"Rabbit of Seville"

~~~

7:10 PM

Having just completed the tour of the backstage area, I have to say it's a little surreal being in the guts of a theater again. The last time was a year ago July--for my wedding.

So, hey, Marriage of Figaro, at least on a titular level, is mighty appropriate.

We saw Figaro and his gang getting all made up (hello, kabuki faces!), and were warned that there could be boobage! Sadly, that was a false start. Madison Opera Communications Guru Brian Hinrichs gave us the rundown on the structure of this opera, at least--arias for emotional outbursts interspersed with sung dialogue (recitativo in the Italian) to move the plot along. So, kind of like porn!

I hope no one's lurking in the shrubbery, for this corset must come off!

We'll be clattering away here, like nerdy zoo exhibits, until the show starts. I'm trying to convince a dubious Laurie of Your Ill-fitting Overcoat that Leroy Anderson's "The Typewriter" is appropriate blogging music.

There's something strangely old-school about sitting at a desk with three other people, everyone typing, making faces ranging from studious (everyone else) to dorkily emotive (me). It's the Electronic Theatre Bureau! I gotta make t-shirts.

~~~

7:40 PM

Ah. Alcohol.

Unfortunately, no sippy cup. This is a dry performance.

Can I mention how absurd I feel, checking Wikipedia on the synopsis of Figaro. I'm terribly delinquent in my haute culture. I will say that I'm really looking foward to the harpsichord. Tiny little thing, it looks like a bar game version of a full piano.

We're getting a cool dissertation on ornamentation and ad libbing from A. Scott Parry (PARRY, Lindsay. Parry.), the stage director of the show. He's a cool guy, and much younger than I'd expect for the director of an opera. Pretty sweet gig.

Bell's about to ring, better go get cultured!

~~~

9:45 PM

Intermezzo!

"Thus the suspicious are condemned." A great line, and one that sums up the closing action of the first half of the opera.

Act One covers the interpersonal relationships well--Figaro and Susanna, servants set to wed; Dr. Bartolo and Marcellina, schemers set to ruin the nuptials; and a Count and Countess set at odds by varying degrees of infidelity.

But Act Two really cranks up the Benny Hill music. There's ducking, lying, hiding, jumping out of windows--you could almost see Scooby and the gang running from the villain of the week.

In my minimal ability to critique opera, I'll say that Susanna (Anya Matanovic) and the Countess Rosina (Melody Moore) are stealing the show for me. Their voices carry better than all the male performers, and their stage presence is both endearing and evocative. (There are many a moment of shoulder-to-shoulder girl power in Act Two, and these two ladies carry it off like Thelma and Louise.)

I will give a special shout-out to Emily Lorini, doing the yeo(wo)man's work of playing a pubescent young page boy, Cherubino. It takes a moment for unsophisticated me to figure out that it's a woman playing a man, in the old Globe Theatre tradition, but her lanky, awkward strides across the stage set her gender firmly in the adolescent male category. Lorini and Moore play well off of each other as well, with the former's affections for the latter forging an irrefusable tie between the two.

I'd say more, but what the hell do I know? Plus, they're gonging for us and everyone's fingers are FREAK. ING. OUT.

~~~

11:20 PM

And...scene.

The latter half provided the majority of the recognizable tunes, culminating with "Sul l'aria," the duet between "those two Italian ladies," Susanna and the Countess, that Andy plays over the loudspeaker in The Shawshank Redemption. I'm guessing that, from what I can tell, most comic operas end about as tritely as Figaro does, so I'm okay with the "everybody run and play!" exeunt.

I'll close with this thought. The Madison Opera is not an expensive night out. As my wife pointed out to me, tickets started at less than $20, and maxed out for this show at around $115 for the best of the best seats. I'm wearing jeans, for crying out loud; you don't need a monocle or tails for this.

So that's it, more or less. There's cake and champagne that isn't going to consume itself, and we're on the invite list.

Oh, and never, at any time, does anyone in this opera stand up and belt out, "FIIIGARO. Figarofigarofigaro!!" That's The Barber of Seville and a whole 'nother Blogger Night at the Opera.

~~~

12:20 AM

Back home. Making a frozen pizza. I can't take this much culture. (We had to spring our dogs, anyway, so skipped the afterparty.)

Can I say, though, that my caption for the above photo--meant as a riff on the porn joke--actually proved to be pretty accurate given what's happening in that scene? I'm, like, an opera savant or something. (The picture is credited to the Madison Opera, by the way.)

And lastly, sincere thanks to Brian Hinrichs, Manager of Communications and Community Outreach, for the invite and the hospitality. He's doing a great job bringing a younger demographic into what can be a tough sell sometimes. We got a lot of response from folks in the lobby, and Brian himself got specific praise from outgoing Lieutenant Governor Barbara Lawton before the show. He deserves it; thanks, Brian!

Be careful what you wish for

2010-11-01T12:42:00.000-05:00

I asked a few days ago for fewer Madison barbecue restaurants to be closed on Sundays. The universe heard, and answered: "HERE'S ONE LESS"--and then Porky Pine Pete's closed.

But! All is not lost, for riding onto the scene--a piece of meat in the shape of a White Knight--is the McRib. The prodigal bun, returning. Settle yourselves in for six weeks of addictive, astonishingly satisfying pseudo-cue, cutting into whatever early onset seasonal affective disorder you might have, like a knife through hot, pressed and formed pork.

I'd say something about kismet, the smiling down of fate or fortune, but since the word has Islamic roots, it might be a bit tasteless to do so with regard to a pork sandwich. Say what you want about McDonald's; there's nothing tasteless about the McRib. And how could you sneer at a sandwich that has brought so much joy to the world, either by its own tangy virtue, or via the creative spoofing of The Simpsons?

"Think smaller, and more legs." Classic.

(P.S. To Fox Television: What harm does it do to allow for short segments of Simpsons episodes on YouTube--in English? Really. Like the show isn't going to make it if people put bits of it on the Internet? I think the income stream is secure, you guys. My household owns both Simpsons Anniversary Edition Weber grills, for crying out loud.)

Remember when you were with The Beatles?

2010-10-28T09:11:00.002-05:00

I probably could have been a little more eloquent, and there were times when things looked like they were about to go cataclysmically bad, but still--I did it. I interviewed Anthony Bourdain.

The result is currently posted at thedailypage.com, and will be excerpted in this week's Isthmus, if you're in the Madison area and like holding actual newsprint.

Bourdain will be in Madison on November 18th, speaking at the Overture Center for the Arts (I'm going, of course) about his newest book, Medium Raw. It's a good read; the prologue is actually really terrific. So brush up on your Bourdainology and check out what he had to tell me about Madison chefs, Alice Waters' spoon, and why Tea Partiers should be more concerned about what schoolchildren eat for lunch.

Blues and barbecue on the seventh day

2010-10-21T16:50:00.005-05:00

My wife and I take weekend trips to the Fox Valley area on a frequent basis; we both grew up there and still have family and friends in the area. If we make our way back at a leisurely pace, listening to WMMM 105.5 FM as we approach Madison, we encounter the eTown radio program--by far, the most stultifying, sleep-inducing radio program not airing on public radio.

eTown emanates from Boulder, Colorado; my admittedly anecdotal understanding of spelling tells me that Boulder doesn't start with "e," so I don't know what town is "eTown." I'm not sure that I've ever heard anything interesting on eTown, except for one show wherein I first heard Flobots. But we're talking years here.

I really thought, last weekend, that eTown aired earlier than 9 PM, and that Triple M had scuttled the snoozer of a show in favor of DJ-less standard programming. I was ecstatic. There was some actual good music (I think I heard Beatles and maybe Ray Lamontagne), and no droning chatter about folksy acts touring through Colorado.

Contrast this with the weekends that we spend in Madison. By the time Sunday rolls around, I've watched a lot of football, and probably done a good bit of housework and errand-running. What I want is meat. Caloriffic meat with plenty of caramelized proteiny goodness. And barbecue is the preferred method of delivery for said meatcandy.

Sadly, there's a trend in Madison barbecue--at least the barbecue that's in my usual orbit--that stymies my dreams of Sunday smokiness.

There are six barbecue joints in Madison (seven if you count Famous Dave's, and my most recent experiences insist that I not), and three are closed on Sundays. The Haze, Brickhouse, Porky Pine Pete's, Papa Bear's (website currently non-functional), Smoky Jon's, and Fat Jacks. Haze, Pete's, and Papa Bear's are all closed on the day God rested. I'll grant that barbecue is the food item perhaps most directly attributable to the spark of the divine in all of us, but that doesn't mean 'cue-doers need to take the seventh day off, too.

My Sundays need a jumpstart. Mediocre music and limited barbecue--this is not a good way to close out the weekend. To address this woeful situation, I have a two-part proposal.

1) More barbecue, obviously. The Haze is the most urban, and incidentally also the most financially secure (considering the association with Shinji Muramoto's restaurant empire). Porky Pine Pete's and Papa Bear's are slightly more removed from the main drag, but only just. And since Papa Bear's is just down the road from my 'hood, I'm constantly faced with driving past a dark storefront on Sundays; it's pretty depressing. Just four hours of business. 4-8 PM, something like that. I'd be happy!

2) More blues. Y'see, Triple M has a secondary HD Radio channel called The Delta, and it's an all-blues channel. I can't think of a better soundtrack to Sunday afternoon and evening than a few hours of non-stop blues. It'd be a good promo for their HD product, which--I can't help but suspect--is probably still pretty unknown. HD Radio is a bit of a boondoggle, but if people knew they could get 24-hour blues with 105.5-2, they might be more inclined to give it a shot.

Tell me a hot summer evening, or a brisk fall night, or even a snow-clogged January Sunday, wouldn't be infinitely better with a double shot of more blues and more barbecue. Triple M? Pit masters of Madison? Let's remember Sunday, and keep it smoky.

It gets better.

2010-10-20T11:05:00.002-05:00

I'm straight. I've always known that, so I don't have quite the same perspective of feeling like there's something inside of me that needed to get out, to be expressed. But that doesn't mean that I don't know what gay-bashing bullying feels like, or how much it hurts.

It doesn't hurt because there's anything wrong with being gay. It hurts because when you get attacked because people think you're gay, or use homosexuality as an insult, you know that those people just don't care about you at all. They don't know you, they don't want to know you, and they want to hurt you based on their perceptions of you. And it does hurt.

And I've seen what being afraid, or being intimidated, or being shouted down can do to a person. My dad was gay. Sure, he did what many gay men do--he played the part. He dated women, got married, had a kid--but he never stopped being gay. Even though he was a smart man, and a confident man at times, he let his feeling of isolation drive him to make some pretty big mistakes.

He died almost 15 years ago, so I never really had the chance to engage him in an adult-to-adult way about whether he still felt as alone as he did in his younger days. My understanding of his mindset is admittedly speculative. I wonder if there was shame in his heart; I hope there wasn't, but I worry otherwise.

He was an independent guy, for better or worse, and he passed that on to me. I took flak for the clothes I wore, and the way I did my hair, and the way I spoke, throughout much of my pre-college days. People called me "fag," pushed me around, and tried their best to exclude me. Sometimes, they succeeded.

But you know what? I left those motherfuckers in my dust.

Their intellectual smallness keeps them doing shit that I got past--thanks to a good education, caring friends, loving family, and a strong sense of my own self-worth. It's not ego, and it's not bravado. I'm worth my successes, and I'm better than the ignorance that some people tried to inflict on me as a weapon. So are you.

If you're LGBT (or hell, even if you aren't) and struggling with aggressive ignorance around you, I'm telling you that it gets better. There's more support out there than ever, and the world is smaller than it's ever been thanks to technology and education. Finding someone who understands your pain and your isolation, and can help you overcome them, has never been easier.

Don't let the bozos win. Don't be pushed around. Put them in your rearview mirror and excel. It gets better because you can make it better by showing them how wrong they are.

Deadbeat blogger

2010-10-10T16:05:00.004-05:00

Sorry, everyone, for kind of dropping off of this corner of the internet for a while. It's been a challenge to find the time to post here, but I owe you better.

While I gather up the wherewithal to create some new Irony or Mayo content, please head over to thedailypage.com and check out my latest review, and of course check me out on Twitter.

Top Chef DC - The finale.

2010-09-16T23:27:00.001-05:00

I'm not gonna lie--it's kind of a relief that this season of Top Chef is finally over. It's been something of a task for me to keep up with the recapping, and I do apologize for the effect it's had on the entertainment value of the ol' blog here. But the season went out on a fairly interesting note, even if the winner was no one we cared about or thought had half a chance.

The episode opens more or less right where the previous episode left off. Kelly's out, the other three are displaying that sense of relief mixed with dread that only the mediocre know best. Padma comes back in and calls the three finalists out; they're getting their assignment tonight so they can work on it as much as possible. It's mostly carte blanche. The only limitations are the highlights of each course: vegetable, fish, meat, dessert. The proteins will be selected by Eric and Tom, and can I point out how much I hate the false distinction between "fish" and "meat"? Hate it.

Of course, there's the usual "surprise" help, too. In walk Ilan, Hung, and Mike. There are some built-in advantages in this challenge that promise to bear fruit--Kevin worked with/for Mike some years ago, and Kevin's parents were both pastry chefs. Ed gets the first draw, and doesn't get Mike as he hoped--he gets Ilan. Kevin draws Mike, and Angelo is left with Hung (or as he put it, "I'm in the finals, we're in Asia, and I get Hung"). So Angelo and Kevin appear to be in good shape as far as their sous chefs are concerned, while Ed is saddled with the most reviled Top Chef winner in show history (and that's including Hosea, I think).

The chefs return to the residence and kibbutz, with our competing chefs trying to keep their fanboy "squee!"s under their breath. Maybe not Angelo, who's not doing any squeeing during this party; he's not feeling well, and goes to bed early, leaving Hung--well, hanging. The next morning, while Kevin and Ed break the fast, Angelo is curled up in bed, panting and groaning. He's in pain, and a doctor is en route. We saw this in the previews, and it's definitely legit. Angelo is given a 20% chance of being minimally okay to go and cook the next day. Commence drugs and fluids.

As the chefs arrive at the kitchen, there's still no Angelo. Tom informs Hung that he'll be shopping and prepping without Angelo, but that there will be phone communication to make sure that Hung's doing more or less what Angelo wants. If Angelo can't make it for the day of service, then they'll deal with it then. The proteins have been acquired, and they are: rouget (red snapper, which Ed notes have very finicky little bones), cuttlefish, cockles, slipper lobster, pork belly, and whole duck. The instructions for the challenge were a little confusing; the rouget and duck will be the focal points of their respective courses, but the rest of the proteins have to be used somewhere.

At the market, the friction Ilan tends to foster comes to the surface as he pushes against Ed's corn soup idea (Corn, in Singapore? At these prices?). Ed's less than thrilled about Ilan as a wildcard--let the power struggle begin! Meanwhile, is there any doubt that Angelo would be completely without hope with any previous champion other than Hung? I was not a Hung fan during his season, but I have come to enjoy his presence and really, truly respect his skill and wherewithal. Angelo would be shit outta luck without him; with him, it'll still be a tough row to hoe, but you find yourself thinking he can pull it off. His "whoa" idea during the shopping scene is a duck and foie gras marshmallow. Color me intrigued.

Three hours of prep begin, and Hung should really have a Bluetooth headset. He needs all of his hands to yoink all of the foie gras out of the cooler--though, with only one lobe in there, can you really blame him? This is not as big a deal as the Hosea/Stefan foie-off a couple years ago. While we see the chefs running down their menus, Angelo's getting more treatment in the hotel. Here comes the shot in the butt, a longshot 3% chance of success. Though the doc says it's unlikely that he'll be ready to go the next day, morning comes and Angelo is given the green light. I'd be dubious of this, except he does indeed survive the entire finish and service.

The big day arrives, and the chefs have another three hours. Angelo's there, drinkin' water, looking maybe a little wan, and positing that Ed didn't actually want him to be able to compete. "I want to sacrifice every part of me to be Top Chef," he says, and I don't feel like this is hyperbole. Ed's all fired up to be able to beat Angelo, as well as show up Ilan. "Ilan had his season, now it's my turn," Ed says, but I don't think the all-star helpers normally stick around for the last day of the competition, do they? Does that speak to low expectations?

As the professionals, diners, and judges cackle over Eric and Tom's selection of proteins, and Ed and Angelo focus excessively on beating each other, service begins at the very Singaporean-sounding "Jim Thompson: A Thai Restaurant" restaurant. Among the faces at the table are Dana Cowin, Paul Bartolotta, David Chang, Susan Feniger, Andre Chiang, plus Eric, Tom, Padma, and Gail.

FIRST COURSE
Ed: Chilled summer corn veloute, crispy fried black cockles. Kevin: Eggplant, zucchini, and roasted pepper terrine, pickled tomatoes, shaved jalapeños. Angelo: Grilled king royale mushrooms, fresh noodles, char siu bao pork belly, watermelon tea.

Angelo's daring flavors draw praise, and the diners can see that he's familiar with this area's cuisine. But according to Tom, this is "a dish that needs work." Susan would like more oomph from Kevin's spicy elements, while David thinks it takes balls to serve a vegetarian terrine in this setting--and I don't disagree. Either balls, or shit for brains. Eric liked Ed's dish the most of the three, calling it well-executed. Tom notes that all three chefs seemed to be displaying restraint with their first courses--not necessarily a bad thing.

SECOND COURSE
Ed: Bacon-wrapped slipper lobster and char-grilled cuttlefish, both over a stuffed rouget that was apparently not worth mentioning in the early menu rundown. Kevin: Pan-seared rouget with cuttlefish "noodles," braised pork belly. Angelo: Asian-style bouillabaisse over sauteed rouget and poached cuttlefish, scapes.

Dana thinks Kevin's dish is "interesting." (Sounds like high praise!) The pairing of squid ink and pork belly is surprising, but apparently enjoyable. Seetoh sees a lot of complication in Ed's rouget, though the effort that went into it is visible. "Need a user manual," he says. But Angelo's dish, Seetoh praises unequivocally ("BOOM").

THIRD COURSE
Ed: Duo of duck (roasted breast and spinach-stuffed neck). Kevin: Marinated roasted duck, caramelized bok choy, duck dumplings. Angelo: Sauteed duck and foie gras, cinnamon marshmallow, tart cherry shooter.

Kevin's dumplings are nice. The bok choy technique interests Eric and Seetoh, who finds it clever. Susan loves Angelo's ginger salad, and the inclusion of cinnamon. The shooter, however, mystifies Paul and he doesn't appear to be alone. Padma likes the contrast between Ed's duck neck and greens.

FOURTH COURSE
Ed: Sticky toffee date cake, fleur de sel chantilly cream. Kevin: "Singapore Sling 2010," coconut panna cotta. Angelo: "Thai Jewel" shaved ice, coconut vanilla cream, kaffir lime, saffron, water chestnuts.

There's more than meets the eye to Kevin's dessert, a twist on the flavors of a Singapore Sling cocktail presented flashily inside a dragonfruit. Seetoh announces that Kevin "just created a national dessert." In the face of that, Angelo's dessert, though comforting to Gail, verges a bit too much on the savory and doesn't hold a candle to Kevin's. And Ed. Oh, Ed. He turned this course over to Ilan almost exclusively, and confirming his worries, it came out looking like a brick. David calls it--rightly--a big "fuck you" to the conventions of this show, praising it as almost absurdly and hideously inventive. Lotta salt in the chantilly.

Back in the kitchen, everyone samples. Ed thinks Kevin's food is awesome (no word on what he thinks of Angelo's food, but I'm guessing it's something along the lines of "grumble grumble I fucked his girlfriend grumble"). Kevin thinks the competition is stiff, and Mike V. speaks for the past champs, saying it's "the second best we've seen on Top Chef."

Angelo is still vertical for Judges' Table, despite feeling the dehydration. The three chefs report to the judges, and Angelo starts. Gail found his rouget smart, and Eric thought the vegetable course was an intriguing twist. (Pork belly + watermelon = sign me up, anyway.) All the judges, however, were unhappy with the tart cherry shooter, which was described as a palate cleanser. Gail expresses the confusion, and Angelo gives a very convoluted description of the order of operations for eating that course. Um, no. This will not win Tom over to you, that's for damn sure.

Ed's gamble on the duck neck paid dividends, as Tom thought it showed skill. Everyone appears to have read a lot into the meaning and importance of his dessert, imbuing it with way the hell more than it ever deserved or intended. Ed didn't even make the damn thing! The only one not swept away by over-interpretationitis is Tom, who completely disassembles it. "What am I supposed to do here?", Ed whines, at least subtly acknowledging that the previous praise was unwarranted given his minimal role in the dessert. He wanted to make lemon curd but didn't really know how. Seriously, Ed? You suck.

Kevin has, if memory serves, soft-pedaled the spiciness of previous dishes, and did so again with his vegetable terrine. He made the mistake of completely seeding the jalapeños, which robs them of their punch. Gail saw Kevin's duck course as a play on duck a l'orange, and one that made an un-favorite dish a pleasant experience for her. But where Gail really goes over the edge is with regard to Kevin's dessert. She's had a Sling at the place in Singapore that invented it, and she'd take his every time.

The chefs retire to the Asian Stew, and the judges try to convince us how FUN this season was, and wasn't this a FUN meal? WOO...? (No. This was a down year in DC, the reality showkiller.) They break down each of the chefs' courses. For veg, Angelo's pork belly dominated, Kevin's needed some pizzazz, and Ed's flavors brought the northeast US to Asia in a nice way. For fish, Tom (thank you, Tom!) points out Ed's de-emphasized rouget, while Kevin's was harmonious and really good, and Angelo's had a great broth. For meat, Eric found Angelo's duck bizarre while Tom thought the meringue was misguided. Though Ed did a lot of work, his was overcooked and imperfect. Kevin took the most care of all, cooking his duck perfectly.

For dessert, Gail and Padma both loved Angelo's. Eric was shocked by Ed's dessert, and everyone was fairly shocked by his insecurity about taking a chance on lemon curd. Kevin's dessert was built layer by layer, displaying amazing composition. The phone poll surprised me this time around, with 49% voting for Ed--easily the least of the three meals, if you ask me. When the judges sum it up (basically, Ed came on strong, Angelo rallied from illness, Kevin honored every ingredient he was supposed to), and announce Kevin's name first, they've left almost no doubt as to what they'll say next: Kevin is Top Chef. His response: "I am?"

Yep. You didn't really blow anyone away all season, but you stuck around and managed some reasonably appealing dishes from time to time. But you were also a douche about "foreign" food, and that just can't stick around if you're gonna strike out on your own and try to succeed. We didn't get any indication this year of the order of finish, but I'd be pretty surprised if Angelo wasn't second place. Mike V. comes out with a tray of champagne, and Kevin basks in his win, which he hails as the first TC win for an African-American chef. Our response: "You are?"

So, that's that. Another season in the books. Top Chef: Just Desserts has already started, and you'll notice that I haven't posted anything on that yet, either. Given the shoddy work I've done this season in terms of getting recaps out, I'm gonna take a break and see if I can't rejigger my schedule to make recapping more workable. Right now, I just can't commit to the recap schedule in the way I want to. So, perhaps some thoughts now and then. But considering I haven't even watched the premiere yet, don't expect it this week.

It's a downer of an ending to this recap, I know, but thanks as always for reading. See ya around.

Top Chef - The Good, the Bad, and the Bullshit

2010-09-09T12:54:00.002-05:00

Welcome to Singapore, everyone. If you were expecting durian, it's illegal to eat in public markets in Singapore, so it'll have to wait for next week. But don't worry, there was plenty that stunk in last night's opening round of the championship.

As the chefs greet each other at their table in the Singaporean market, there are indications that Ed and Angelo aren't entirely amicable. I don't really know what's behind this, since nothing has seemed particularly serious (lots of banter, not a lot of overt ill-will), but there's definitely something going on.

KF Seetoh, who appears to go by just "Seetoh," is the expert guest judge this week. He's appeared on Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations, and the chefs all appear to have read his stuff before arriving in Asia. He's charismatic, and knows everything about hawker stalls, which surround the chefs. Their Quickfire Challenge is to create a hawker style-friendly dish using only a wok. This doesn't mean steamer baskets are verboten, apparently, as Ed grabs a bunch and doesn't get chided for them.

The chefs sample some signature dishes--poached chicken in broth, chili crab--and everyone notes that Angelo's obviously in his element here. Ed clears up any confusion, telling the confessional that his main priority is beating Angelo. I find this distastefully disrespectful of the competition and the other chefs. At the risk of sounding like a reality competition cliche, Ed should be there to win the title, not get into a pissing match with a guy whose girlfriend you proudly claim to have fucked.

Oh, and the winner of the Quickfire gets immunity in the Elimination Challenge. That's a first.

Amusingly, the labels for the ingredients provided in their "kitchen" are in Cantonese (even Angelo is stymied); thus begins a lot of finger-tasting that will carry through the entire episode. Kelly's sweatin' through her culottes in the Singaporean night, whipping up seared Chinese noodles and a broth of lobster and cockles--a combination Seetoh points out is not often employed in hawker dishes. Kevin appears to be a curry expert now, but not a wok expert. He admits to Padma that he's never cooked with a wok before--even in the time between the last challenge in DC and now--and she bluntly asks, "What's wrong with you?" Kevin's all "I'm sorry if I don't speak Korean or whatever!" (He just don't like them foreign implements; what's wrong with the good old US of A?)

Ed looks to the noodle--or noodles, rather. He uses two types of noodle with steamed lobster and wood ear mushrooms with a black pepper sauce. Padma responds to his charm, but there isn't much said about the food. Angelo, meanwhile, is his usual whirling self. He does a last minute u-turn and swaps out crab for frogs' legs in his chili dish. He pairs it with a faux urchin made of rambutan (very similar to the lychee) and pineapple. Using only shrimp paste for savory flavor addition, he impresses Seetoh with his pineapple trick.

Using the old Iron Chef editing trick, we're fooled into thinking that Kelly or Angelo will win, but Seetoh praises Ed's infusion of flavor into the noodles, and gives him both the win, and the immunity that comes with it. Angelo is predictably frustrated, and Ed's positively giddy for having beaten him "at his own game." This is getting old, Ed.

Also getting old? Team challenges. Padma delivers the bad news, that the chefs will work together to serve the 80 guests at Dana Cowin's (of Food and Wine) beach party. Sure, why not? This is basically Restaurant Wars Redux, which I guess I'm okay with, but it's a bit too gimmicky for my taste given that we're talking about the finals here.

The chefs decide that with their limited space and time, they'll just do one dish each. Ed continues his overt antagonism toward Angelo, bumping him at the market and doling out more commentary in confessional. On his own, Ed decides at the market to plan for a second dish; he doesn't tell any of the other chefs, or let them catch on. In the kitchen, Ed asks Angelo (who has a bin full of what's obviously not pork) if he took all the pork. Angelo asks if his lamb looks like pork, and Ed cusses back at him. Ed, who dishes it out but can't take it in return. WTF, Ed. WTF.

As the chefs toil away in the kitchen, describing their dishes, Tom stalks his way into the room like a jungle cat. He's shocked--SHOCKED--that they'd only plan on one dish each. Ed pipes up that he always planned for two. This, of course, takes everyone by surprise. Tom tells them in no uncertain terms that he thinks they really should work on two apiece. Ed, bravely, agrees. Exchange of the night: (Ed) "That was predictable, huh?" (Kevin) "Fuck you." Amen, Kevin.

Kelly slices her finger pretty well, bleeding all over the floor. She's forced to work with ill-fitting rubber gloves, which hampers her dexterity. The end of cook time is marked by a lot of hectic energy, and we the viewers are left wondering what Ed's second dish is going to be; the show never gives us more than a glimpse of Ed buying batter mix at the market. Odd.

The chefs wind down after the first night's prep with some urban prawn fishing (band name). Kevin's too skeerd to bait his own hook. Kelly assists--"I'll do your worm." (I'm thirteen.) Kevin manages to catch a prawn, and of course backs away from the task of taking it off the hook. Kelly again steps in. He's literally jumping away from the live prawn. This guy is a chef?

So, the dishes:

Angelo: Lamb tartare with rambutan ceviche and curry oil. Second dish: Spicy shrimp broth with ginger and prawn dumplings.
Kevin: Clam chowder with flavors of Southeast Asian. Second dish: 63-degree farm egg, pearl tapioca congee, radish condiment.
Kelly: Seared prawns, spicy red coconut curry, crispy prawn heads (and an unbilled but important guava-apple salad). Second dish: Chilled cucumber-yogurt soup, bitter melon salad.
Ed: Sweet and sour pork belly duo with crispy rice potato cakes and gai lan. Second dish (which we don't see until service): Banana fritters with red chili paste.

With an hour and a half to get things ready for a la minute, the chefs still haven't met their waitstaff. Kevin knows that his congee is a risk (one that impressed the hell out of me, to be honest), and that if the judges don't get his egg, he'll be going home. Ed notes that his sarcastic style is often mistaken for douchebaggery, but that with Angelo he's actually being a douchebag half the time. Great, Ed. Thanks for taking this seriously. Still, Ed takes the lead in a challenge he doesn't need, to train the waitstaff and select one to be lead expediter--this is a necessary move, and keeps what turns out to be awkward and uneven service from appearing as such to the diners. (I mean, really--a ticket apparently written in Chinese? Come on!)

Tom comes out looking a little Gene Hackman-as-Lex Luthor, and cavalierly orders for the table (as if that's necessary at this point?). The meal begins.

Dana points out the acidity of Kelly's soup. Seetoh, having been intrigued by it on the menu, praises the concept. Gail likes the subtle heat. Alternately, Dana finds Kevin's chowder "delicious," and Tom likes it both in flavor and presentation. Dana also likes Angelo's shrimp broth, both tasty and complex. Padma, too, notes the refinement of the flavors. The prawns are well-cooked.

The meat courses are next, and it's Angelo vs. Ed. Dana exposes some surprising disinterest in tartares in general, but Angelo's lamb impresses her and makes her want to eat more of it. Seetoh likes the rambutan inclusion. Tom sees the refinement of the flavors he found at the market in Ed's pork dish. Gail likes the Chinese sausage (tee hee), and Dana wants a bottomless bowl of the stuff.

The last three dishes are Kevin's congee, Kelly's prawn curry, and Ed's fritters. It looks like the judges do indeed get Kevin's egg, pointing out that it's cooked beatifully--as are the tapioca pearls. Tom acknowledges the risk and praises the result. Seetoh is thrilled by Kelly's guava salad, but Tom starts out by saying "It's a nice dish"--and then the editors step in and move to Gail's praise of its authenticity. Still, sounds lukewarm to me. What isn't lukewarm is the veritable pants-pooping over Ed's fritters. Dana's leaning in, Tom's smiling and laughing a little. The judges are dying for these things. The chefs come out for their toast and applause, but the only real question is who's going home, because Ed has this thing in the bag.

At Judges' Table, everyone feels good about the team effort, and rightfully so. Tom thinks this was the best food they've had all season, and from my perspective, I agree. Angelo's tartare gets the most praise of his two dishes; the shrimp broth was too much like a sauce than a soup, and most of the panel found it too salty and just too much. Kelly gets dinged for the rough treatment of her fish in the soup, and for a slightly timid spicy red curry. Seetoh calls her guava apple salad "brilliant," saying he's going to steal it. Ed? Everyone's smiling, laughing, and praising. Tom calls it the perfect New York street cart stoner food, apparently high praise (ahem). Kevin's dishes were both missing a little something--heat in the chowder, texture in the congee--but both earn kudos.

Seetoh tells the other judges, after the chefs are excused, "There’s only two types of food in this world: good and bad. All the rest is bullshit.” There doesn't appear to be a lot of bad food this week, which is itself good. The bullshit? All Ed's. I've bagged on Angelo's ego all season, but Ed shows himself to be a vindictive bitch in this week's episode, selling the competition a bit down the river in a quest to get over on the guy he clearly has personal issues with.

But there's no question, he nailed his food this week. It's a total non-surprise that Seetoh announces Ed as the winner. (I wonder if this season has more two-fers, Quickfire and Elimination wins in the same week, than previous seasons.) It doesn't look like Kevin's at much of a risk of elimination, which leaves Angelo's overdone broth and Kelly's unmemorable soup and incomplete curry. When you put it that way...yep. Kelly's gone.

When the chefs came back out to Judges' Table, Angelo was teary-eyed and spendt much of the build-up to Kelly's elimination fighting back tears. When she was announced as the loser, he broke down. This was, I think, the single most genuine and unguarded moment for Angelo this entire season. I don't know if he really thought he was gone, or if this just showed how much he wanted to get to the final, but I don't doubt the tears at all. I can't say I'm rooting for him, but I think his bullshit posturing might finally be over.

And then, when the chefs have said their goodbyes to Kelly, and toasted their own good fortune, Padma comes back to the Stew Room and calls them all back out. Cut.

Nice cliffhanger, but then we see that next week will feature previous champions as sous chefs and that kinda takes all the drama out of the ending. Still, with Angelo apparently falling seriously ill, we'll be in for a pretty interesting season finale.

Top Chef - Judging in a vacuum

2010-09-01T22:27:00.003-05:00

Yes, it's Tuesday. Let's say that it took me this long to get over the results of this week's Judges' Table, and get on with the review.

Food and Wine's Dana Cowin stands in on this week's Quickfire Challenge, explaining to everyone that wine and food pairings are generally split into 10% genius, 10% awful, and a staggering 80% at varying degrees of pedestrian. The chefs get to choose a wine, with Angelo winning first pick. Tiffany admits she's got no sense for wine, while Kelly explains that her husband (who looks an awful lot like an older Angelo) does all the wine pairings at their restaurant. This challenge, which will give the winner a trip to the Park Lane Hilton in London, asks the chefs to create one dish to pair with their wine.

Kelly can't pronounce "Federalist," the name of her wine ("fetterless" is all that comes out), but she pairs it nonetheless with wild boar, blackberry conserve, and a blue cheese emulsion. Kevin has to scrap his pressure cooked pork belly due to poor time management, and has little hope for his quail standing up to the big merlot he picked. Angelo is confident in his wine pairing mojo, and chooses foie gras, cumin, basil and fennel for his white wine. Tiffany and Ed's mind meld continues; they both choose wagyu beef and risotto.

With the field this narrow, decent dishes are going to find their way to the bottom. Kevin's quail is perfectly cooked, but just as he feared, it can't stand up to the meaty red wine. Kelly's dish sounded pretty tasty to me, but Cowin says her blue cheese emulsion took it "off the chart"--apparently that's a bad thing. The top two were Angelo, whose dish walked the fine line between light and heavy, and Tiffany, whose cocoa and black pepper crusted tenderloin was elegant. But proving the point that if you can succeed with foie gras, you'll always get credit for it, Angelo takes the win and the trip to London. And hey, that's that much closer to his "fiancee." Plus, cheaper shipping rates!

To celebrate the first international final round in Top Chef history--Singapore!--the chefs head to NASA's Goddard Flight Center to get their challenge from the currently-orbiting crew of the International Space Station. The challenge: make an "out-of-this-world" dish (groan) that can be adapted to freeze-drying and preparation in orbit. (In space, no one can hear you mispronounce "tartin"...Ed.) The winning dish will be sold by Schwan's! No, kidding--though it'd be pretty similar. This one will go to the ISS on an upcoming mission.

The earthbound meal will be served to scientists and astronauts from NASA, as well as noted fame whore Buzz Aldrin, whom we sincerely thank for his service and now wish to go away for a while. Among the limitations for space food: not a lot of sugar, not a lot of big pieces, and please include a lot of spices and seasonings. With these in mind, Ed and Tiffany both go international (Moroccan and Thai-ish, respectively); Kevin sees this and immediately bristles (as he has done many times this season). Everyone's going all ethnic (his words), so he's going to do a mainstream American dish. Because fuck you, world! USA! USA!

Tom arrives for a kitchen visit--it's kind of sad that he doesn't have Amanda to completely befuddle and frighten anymore. He makes a frowny-face at Angelo's short ribs, takes note of Tiffany's momentum of late, and listens to Kevin complain about how nobody cooks 'Merican food anymore. Tiff heads to the fridge to retrieve her mussels near the end of the day, only to discover that they're dead and frozen--unusable. Sadface. She scraps them, and the chefs finish their prep and head home, where Kevin immediately starts walking around with his collar popped. There is no justice.

As the chefs prepare to head out to the Ronald Reagan International Trade Center, they find a note telling them that their ride is out front--and the winner gets to keep it. It's a black Toyota Avalon, decked out. Not a bad prize, considering the show's already given out a trip to London this week.

Kelly clarifies any confusion you might have had, telling the confessional camera that "somebody's gonna have to outcook me to send me home." Yup, that's pretty much the concept. Tiffany offers up an interesting biographical tidbit: she worked at IHOP (that's the International House of Pancakes, ahem) when she was in tenth grade, and there was a company policy that prohibited women in the kitchen. Seriously? I'd like more background on that. And Ed just does not appear to be grasping the whole "outer space" part of this challenge; he appears to be serving rack of lamb on the bone.

Alongside Buzz Aldrin are some NASA scientists, former astronauts Sandra Magnus and Leland Melvin, and Anthony Bourdain and Eric Ripert at the same table! Yeah! Let the high-fiving commence!

Angelo: Ginger-lacquered short ribs, horseradish crème fraîche, pickled mixed mushroom, pea purée. The diners generally seem to like it; Buzz is pleasantly surprised by the mushrooms. Tom doesn't much like the candied ginger, which he thinks is heavy-handed, but is overall positive. Eric finds the mushrooms too acidic, while Tony disagrees with his buddy "The Ripper," saying it's sophisticated and would adapt well. HIGH FIVE.

Kelly: Pan-roasted halibut, artichoke and fennel barigoule, parsley sourdough garnish. The fish is nicely cooked (that's a relief any time Ripert's judging), but there's more broth than could be reasonably frozen. One of the NASA peeps thinks the crunch of artichoke would be a nice contrast in space.

Ed: Yogurt-marinated rack of lamb, eggplant purée, couscous croquette. Ed apparently scrapped the grilled lamb satay he'd originally planned, and Eric's first comment is about the bone. Sandra Magnus notes you really can't bring a lot of trash with you into space (the space rangers will write you a ticket). Tony thinks that Ed nailed this on a Moroccan cuisine level, but Ripert remains mostly unimpressed--too much going on. Imagine if he'd stuck with the satay!

Tiffany: Pan-seared halibut, coconut curry, jasmine rice, snow pea shoots. Without the mussels, this is clearly a hobbled dish. Eric's not too thrilled about the combinations, but Tony's happy any time fish sauce is involved. That's about it.

Kevin: Grilled New York strip, bacon-jalapeño marmalade, corn purée, Vidalia onion rings. Okay, I have to hand it to him, this is a pretty all-American dish. His cooking and seasoning choices are lauded, and the sauce gets props. The onion rings, while tasty at the table, couldn't be maintained as crispy into space. Still, this dish is one of the two that sounds the most appetizing to me.

The chefs are generally morose, even as they taste each others' dishes prior to Judges' Table. All five are called out for commentary. Ed says that he tried to embrace the astronauts' advice; Tony and Eric repeat their comments, but Eric adds that he can see the talent in the dish. Tom says that a chef can get away with complexity if everything is done well, and in this case everything was done well. It was a delicious dish, with amazing presentation.

We all basically grimaced as Tiffany's name was called. She gets credit for nicely-cooked fish, but the tomatoes were extraneous and mealy. Tom notes that she left the skin on her peppers, which adds an unpleasant bitterness. Eric wanted for some acidity in the sauce, a brighter palette. Tony just wanted more fish sauce--typical. Error in polish obscured a good stab at authenticity.

The critique of Kelly's dish left little doubt that she'd be moving on to Singapore. Tom tells her that her artichokes were cooked about as well as he's ever seen them prepared. Eric asks if she's ever spent any time in Provence--she says she has, and learned a lot there. He's impressed. That said, it was an easy dish. She cooked without restraint, but with a pretty big margin of error.

Tom takes the opportunity to knock Angelo's crystallized ginger. Angelo says he tried to take a submissive role in the preparation of the dish, and that he felt like he made love to the short ribs. Tony brooks none of this giggling nonsense, telling Angelo, "I have no idea what you're talking about," but both he and Eric liked the dish. Tom can't get over the ginger, though it seems that everyone else has.

This is the face a real chef makes when

you talk about fucking your short ribs.

If Tom was irrationally against Angelo's dish, Tony busted out the food rage at Kevin's choice of sirloin for his steak. Tom would have preferred a thicker cut, but thought Kevin cooked it perfectly. The judges seem to appreciate Kevin's xenophobia-as-conciliatory cuisine, though Tony shakes his head at the safe cut of meat.

A late surprise: the winner will get to watch one of the last two shuttle launches at Cape Canaveral. That winner, who also gets a copy of Bourdain's latest book (Medium Raw), is Angelo. He retires to the Stew Room to praise Jesus and creepily stroke the key to his new car. The next person to join him in the Stew, the person who Angelo initially greets with praise because there's no other reasonable conclusion to draw, is Tiffany--and she's gone.

But it's a cold truth: in the vacuum of this specific challenge, her dish was clearly the weakest. At the Judges' Table, Kevin whispers a prayer while Ed looks shocked. Tiffany almost keeps it together, but completely breaks down for the confessional. She was easily the fan favorite at this point, and now it's down to the megalomaniac, the ice queen, the snooze, and the jerk.

Let's hope Singapore can work some wonders on at least one of these chefs, and turn the winner of this season into anything other than a big disappointment.

On boxers and responsibility

2010-08-27T18:44:00.003-05:00

On Wednesday, August 25, Taylor Becker died. She was 4, and she was attacked by a boxer--Rocky, the pet of a family friend. The child and dog were together, unsupervised by adults, in the dog's backyard. Rocky broke free from its lead and for unknown reasons, this otherwise friendly and nonviolent dog attacked.

Next month, Green Acres Boxer Rescue will hold its 10th Annual Boxer Bash in Columbus, Wisconsin. It's the first year the Bash will be held outside of the greater Green Bay area. Columbus is 30 miles from Iron Ridge, where the Becker family lives. I want to take some time to explain why I think the Boxer Bash is more important now, in light of this tragedy, than ever before.

I haven't seen anyone call for the event to be cancelled, and I'm glad for that. Anyone who loves dogs and endeavors to understand them knows that there's no such thing as a "bad breed." There are dogs that behave badly, and there are dogs that behave dangerously, just like there are dogs that behave sweetly and joyfully. The difference isn't in the breed name; it's in the owner, and that owner's sense of responsibility for the animal he or she cares for.

Boxers as a breed do not deserve to be blamed for this dog's unexplainable attack. But without counterbalance, all the general public will see of this story is the face of a little girl lost. Boxer rescue groups are justifiably concerned that they'll see dogs returned to rescues and humane societies; we've all seen what happens when the same thing happens with other breeds put in dangerous circumstances by their owners.

I hope the Boxer Bash goes on as planned. A moment of silence or a collection for Taylor's family would be an appropriate recognition of the Beckers' loss. The community needs to know that responsible dog ownership is key to keeping everyone safe, and that breed rescues do the good work of providing healthy foster relationships for dogs in trouble. Boxers, like all animals, can be dangerous--events like the Boxer Bash are working hard to make sure these tragedies don't happen again.

Top Chef - You can't spell "remedial math" without ED

2010-08-25T22:30:00.006-05:00

The word around the campfire is that Kevin is shopping for real estate and his job at the horribly-named Rat's Restaurant is vacant. Does this mean chicken-on-a-stick is enough to distinguish a chef in this lackluster crowd? I hope not. With the lookatmeee antics of Ed (wearing Tiffany's dress) and Angelo (talking to self, describing Judges' Table as "heart-piercing"), it seems like culinary chops are in woefully short supply as we slouch toward the finale.

But hey! It's Rick Moonen, one of my favorite Top Chef Masters competitors, here to judge the Quickfire Challenge. This challenge is heretofore named "THE PUNS, THEY HURT"; create a dish based on a food idiom. The winner will be turned into a Schwan's frozen meal. (Appropriately, if you're up on your German, one of the idioms is "hide the salami." What was going on in the planning meeting for this one?) Note, though, that Padma never instructs the chefs to craft their dish with frozen meal-itude in mind--at least, not on-camera.

At this point in the competition, it's time for the producers to show more of the sniping against the weakest chef in the bunch. This time, the consensus appears to be that Amanda is the hanger-on. Only Angelo calls her "a dark horse"; it's like he needs to feel like the competition is higher in order to excel. That failure of self-motivation might bite him in the ass if he makes it to the end. It's fitting that he chooses "bigger fish to fry," as he's always looking for the next nemesis to frame his efforts. Kevin ("bring home the bacon"), Amanda ("the big cheese"), Kelly ("sour grapes," natch), Ed ("hot potato"), and Tiffany ("spill the beans") round it out.

When you've got Ed whipping up herb and roasted garlic gnocchi in an hour, you know that Tiffany's canned beans aren't going to pass muster. Kevin plates a bacon threeway--sorry, bacon three ways--and tops it all with a poached egg. This earns some confessional scorn from Angelo for not being freezer-friendly, but remember: Padma never made that part of the instructions. Angelo's over-explanation of his "ancient Chinese technique" on his tilapia might be great for becoming the next member of the Wu-Tang Clan, but doesn't earn him any points with seafood guru Moonen.

The bottom two end up being Kelly, whose Brussels sprout leaves and Concord grapes don't really work well together, and Amanda's "sledgehammer to the gut" macaroni and cheese. Again, Matamanda looks dumbstruck. Funny thing about that. As for the top two, Moonen likes Ed's light and well-conceived gnocchi and Kevin's bacon that achieves "a new level of lightness." And when Padma turns to Rick and asks, "Which would make the best frozen meal?," you know that Kevin never had a chance. Seems kinda shitty, but Ed takes the win for an impressive effort.

Speaking of shitty, please excuse me for a moment as I engage in a little search engine optimization:

NATIONALS PITCHER STRASBURG TO UNDERGO TOMMY JOHN SURGERY

Okay. That'll boost the Google hit count. And it's not completely off-topic. The Elimination Challenge this week is to prepare high-end concession stand food for a pre-game crowd at the Washington Nationals ballpark. The chefs will all work as one team in this one (and we know how smoothly that went last time), and must prepare at least six dishes. Kelly takes over the organization duties without anyone's input or approval, and then proceeds to ask Amanda to not make what she was planning on making because Kelly wants to use crab instead. And Amanda wilts and accedes--big mistake.

Adrift without her original concept, Amanda decides to make tuna tartare. Say what? Angelo buys yet another pre-made item--hot dog buns for his steamed bun-esque concept--but at first glance it seems like a natural fit. Ed's doing shrimp and corn fritters, and details to the camera the amount of work he's taken on. He's figuring three poppers per diner, and there will be 150 diners, so that's 550 poppers to make in three hours. You know, with three hours to prep, you'd think Ed would have had time to find a calculator or something.

Back at the house, it dawns on everyone that they might have to take orders as well as cook, and there's no more Alex to throw out there. Angelo, who later thinks that detail-oriented Kelly left that task unspoken in order to force someone else's hand, decides he'll do it. And then proves that Kelly would have been smart to leave it to someone else; he starts tossing pads around to every other chef before Kevin takes Kenny's place and starts barking at Angelo to stop passing the buck. In this argument, I'm rooting for salmonella to take them both out.

Nationals players Adam Dunn, Matt Capps, and John Lannan (the largest men Amanda's ever seen, apparently) will be dining alongside the judges, and also making Kelly swoon a little. I think she probably meant Dunn and Capps more than Lannan, but hey, I'm not a woman.

Lookit mah sexy.

Tom's presence has always unnerved Amanda (also not a good sign for her chances), so she does manage to bust out a funny line to the confessional: "Tom, get the hell out of here! You and your tree trunks--leave!" They do, in short order (ha!), and service begins with Kelly worrying about the thickness and saltiness of her bacon. Thick and salty--kinda sounds like Kevin this week.

Kelly: Open-faced crab cake BLT, herb aioli, sweet potato fries. The flavor of the crab stands out nicely, but Padma and Tom do indeed find it to be a bit too salty. Good for spurring on beer sales, though.

Tiffany: Italian meatball sub, fennel, basil pesto, fresh mozzarella. Along with Kelly's BLT, these two are flying off the menu at a vastly disproportional rate. The judges, Rick in particular, like it a lot; Eric struggles to handle it.

Amanda: Yellowfin tuna tartare, fennel, Meyer lemon, fava bean purée. This stuff looks hideous, and looked hideous well before service. It's oxidized and gray, and Rick notes how ballsy it is to serve tartare at a ballpark. Eric's horror is understated, but he lets it be known that he's not comfortable with how shitty this dish is.

Angelo: Sweet glazed pork on "lobster roll" with sweet sesame pickles and Asian pear relish. Take note of how many times that description uses the word "sweet," and tuck it away for later. There's too much bread, and it's sucking out what little finish there is on the moderate heat.

Kevin: Chicken kabob, romesco sauce, shoestring fries, smoked paprika aioli. This one isn't getting many orders, if you can believe that people are bored by the idea of chicken on a stick. Eric doesn't like the fries atop the skewer, as they're sogging out. The skewer itself is too awkward.

Ed: Shrimp and corn fritters, jalapeño aioli. Rick loves these, a lot I'd say, and Tom points out how sweet the corn is. No word on where the extra 100 went. Maybe he skipped 'em, since he offered to work on Angelo's plating while Angelo took orders.

The players all sampled everything at their own table, preferring Tiffany's meatball sub. My wife, horribly, wants one of them to get diarrhea so she can sing the "sliding into first" song. See, we're made for each other--both rooting for gastrointestinal maladies! And since there's no better time to point it out, can I also highlight the mid-break vignette? Wherein we learn that Angelo and his "girlfriend" have "only seen each other a couple times"? Uh huh.

Anyway, Padma calls all six chefs out for Judges' Table. Good. They all need the feedback at this point in the competition, and it'll be fun to put 'em all in front of Tom and Eric's criticisms, yes? Angelo, Kevin, and Tiffany all sort of play verbal bumper cars with the narration of the decision-making process, and Tom looks like he'd prefer to have gone to the bathroom during this inning. Ed's dish was "terrific," says Rick; "very tidy," says Tom. Not so for Tiffany's sloppy meatball sub, but Tom's okay with it and Tiffany (love her) apologizes for nothing, saying that a good burger better leave something running down somewhere. They were the top two dishes, and the winner goes to Ed. He pulls his own double-play (PUNS) after Tiffany did so twice in recent weeks--he also gets a trip to Australia and the Hilton Sydney. Well then.

As for the other four… Amanda's choice to pre-tartare her tartare was a poor one, and the riskiness of serving raw fish at a ballpark should have been paired with the risk of preparing it closer to service for freshness' sake. (I also have a strong dislike of "tartare" as a verb; don't know why.) Eric acknowledges that he was offended by it. Kevin started out with a good idea, but tried too hard to get everything into each bite. Plus, the double-hitter (PUNS) of sauces was too much. Kelly respected her crab, but the BLT-ness was a false promise. And wouldn't you know, Angelo's hot dog buns were unwieldy and too absorbent. And remember that thing about sweetness? Yeah--too much.

Tom tells the chefs that they all made some errors, which is true and I refuse to accept it as a pun. This week, Amanda's luck has run out; "the only sous chef [to] make it this far" is going no further. Ply your charms elsewhere, Mata Hari!

Next: NASA and walking pop culture parody Buzz Aldrin, and it's the last challenge before the finals--in Singapore?

Top Chef - Missed it by that much

2010-08-22T14:13:00.003-05:00

Remember when I told you I'd have my recap, titled "Which network is this, again?", ready to go on Thursday? Well, I hope you enjoyed it, because that was the extent of it! Things got real busy, and I decided that I hated that title. So here's the recap of a thoroughly depressing but ultimately satisfying episode of Top Chef.

Kenny's departure has left the Top Chef house reeling, swirling around a black hole as dark and black as... a steaming hot cup of Seattle's Best Coffee! (Try some today!) Kevin is at a loss, and missing his old pal. Angelo comes not to praise Kenny, but to bury him. Still, Angelo's damning-with-faint-praise routine reveals a certain lack of focus. Whether this is legitimate or not remains to be seen.

The Quickfire Challenge kicks off with that straw-haired scamp, Wylie Dufresne. He and Padma announce that this challenge will completely lift the concept of Food Network's Chopped: everyone gets a box, containing the same ingredients. They'll have to craft a dish using everything in the box. Oh, and more boxes will arrive throughout the 40 minute challenge.

To win this $10k Quickfire, the chefs have to use fava beans, an unlabeled can of what turns out to be hominy (on-screen credit goes to Tiffany for knowing what it was), and striped bass. Squid and black garlic come in the next box, ramps and passionfruit in another, and then jicama in the final box--all delivered by some Agent-lookin' dude to various outcries of doom and gloom. This does appear to be a pretty brutal challenge, judging by the sweat and ragged breath and Angelo talking to himself. (Though, if he wins, he'll have someone else to talk to; his "girlfriend" is suspiciously in Russia, and he needs money to get her "visa" in order. Ahem.)

Angelo goes for his usual overwrought Culinary Theory approach, using a lot of foreign words and fancy techniques (pot-au-feu, tataki, fruit gel); it lands him square in the middle. Amanda's crispy skin bass is oily and not nearly as crispy as billed. Alex's plate of yet another bean purée and basically every ingredient thrown together--to no one's surprise, it demonstrates a lack of composition. The top two are Kevin's pan seared bass, hominy purée, with jicama passionfruit and squid salad, and Tiffany's fish stew with hominy, fava beans, saffron and black garlic. The producers weren't entirely explicit about where all the ingredients fit in, but I assume they're all in there; Tiff takes yet another win, and another $10,000 check.

I refer now to my notes as the Elimination Challenge started: "blah blah cornball jargon, CIA." The chefs must create a new identity for a classic dish. By knifeblock, the following assignments are handed out: Amanda (French onion soup), Ed (chicken cordon bleu), Angelo (beef Wellington), Kevin (Cobb salad), Alex (veal parmigiana), Kelly (kung pao shrimp), and Tiffany (gyro).

The winner will get a trip to Paris, but the more exciting thing is that AMANDA IS ABSOLUTELY LIVING UP TO THE MATA HARI NICKNAME. You remember that, right? I told you then to look up German double agent Mata Hari. If you didn't, this is from Wikipedia:

Her relationships and liaisons with powerful men frequently took her across international borders. Prior to World War I, she was generally viewed as an artist and a free-spirited bohemian, but as war approached, she began to be seen by some as a wanton and promiscuous woman, and perhaps a dangerous seductress.

Amanda tells the camera that she'd get all up with CIA Director and guest diner Leon Panetta and try to seduce some secrets out of him. Seriously. Mata freaking Hari.

I know for a fact that Whole Foods, where our chefs take their $200 to shop for half an hour, sells AP flour, butter, and salt. But apparently they're not stocked clearly, because Angelo decides to buy pre-made, freezer case puff pastry rather than making his own. That can only lead to success, right John? Kelly isn't really buying store-brand stuff to use; she just wants to copy the ingredients because she's never cooked Chinese food before. (Ugh.)

There's a lot of lame going on in the kitchen. Ed's spy name (I'm guessing he used the same convention as the porn star name generator) is Muffin Winthrop; his great redefinition of chicken cordon bleu is to put the HAM...on the OUTSIDE. Alex, who had been a videographer before becoming a "chef" (and one hopes that he doesn't just mean through vertical blinds), has a new fan in Amanda, who wants to be called Natasha. Angelo is "sure the judges will be cool" with his storebought puff pastry. And Kevin is putting lettuce in a blender--truly, the most dangerous game.

I'm not so sure the chefs deserve to be putting their food on plates as cool as these--the CIA seal is pretty friggin' awesome. Amanda's worried that she didn't disguise her dish enough. What, you don't think turning soup into soup is enough of a transformation? Kelly's struggling to cook rice properly, blaming the low altitude of DC compared to the high skies of Colorado. Lady: this is a rice cooker. It's electronic. Going all old-school by cooking your rice in a pot is not some crazy hipster innovation. It's called talent, and you needed Tiffany to teach you how to boil water.

Eric Ripert is blessedly back on camera this week. Unfortunately, he has to judge a frequently dismal showing.

Angelo: Beef Wellington turned into a puff pastry tartlet "pizza" topped with slivers of beef. Director Panetta calls out beef Wellington right away. Eric calls out "shortcuts," aka "pre-made puff pastry," equally fast. It's salty, and the pastry is hard. This would be a long way to go to maintain the ruse of stressed-out-edness, so we've got to think that Angelo really has been defining his performance on having an "archenemy." He's in the weeds.

Kelly: Kung pao shrimp turned into spicy shrimp broth with rice and Szechuan shrimp tempura. Most of the CIA diners guess pad thai, but Tom Colicchio gets kung pao. Wylie likes the spin it puts on the original dish, but there's too much broth and not enough substance.

Tiffany: Gyro turned into roasted leg of lamb with smoky eggplant, tomatoes, and pickled onions. Actually, it was gyros turned into GI-rohs; both Panetta and Ripert choose the grating and awful Anthony Bourdain pronunciation of the word. (My wife asks about Eric, "okay, did he just say it like that so he wouldn't embarrass the other guy?") Missing both pita and tzatziki components, Tiffany's dish nevertheless impresses everyone around the table.

Kevin: Cobb salad turned into romaine lettuce, tomato, bacon, Roquefort, avocado, cucumber and turkey. Now, I know that you're thinking: "That's basically the recipe for Cobb salad, minus the egg." BUT DON'T YOU SEE THE INNOVATION OF THAT DISGUISE? No? Well, that's fine, because there really isn't any. He turned a salad into a salad, and one that the CIA HR director picked out without prompting. Tom thinks it tastes fine, but there isn't anything approaching a disguise here.

I'd like to tell you about Amanda's dish, but I've just received a communiqué that requires my immediate attention. No, not really, but Leon Panetta did, right at this point in the meal. Seriously. A card delivered by a staffer, and Leon gets up, apologizes, and takes off. Whoa.

Amanda: French onion soup turned into consommé with oxtail marmalade, caramelized onions, and shaved Gruyère. So...it's a soup of French onion soup. The oxtail marmalade is a good idea, but way too sweet. This took hours to create?

Alex: Veal parmigiana turned into veal and parmigiano reggiano tortelloni with tomato sauce and tempura cheese. The veal is geologically tough, and it's been so tortured and reworked that CIA HR lady guesses lasagna. Eric would like "less disguise and a better deesh." I'd like less Alex and better other chefs.

Ed: Chicken cordon bleu turned into roasted chicken breast, ham and cheese croquette, and spring onion soubise. The Frenchman at the table picks it up right away, but Padma confirms that it's not very well-disguised. However, the chicken is very well prepared, and the overall dish is cooked nicely. Chicken this good, Jon Waxman would have not only given Ed the win on this one, but marched into Leon Panetta's office and told him to clear out because Ed would be taking over.

Anyone ever seen the Doctor Who episode, "Midnight"? A lonely entity infiltrates a group of humans (and the Doctor), and slowly filters through all of the people, copying their speech. Slowly, the entity settles on the Doctor as the most powerful being in the room, and starts not only duplicating his speech, but stealing his mind with every word he speaks? I think that's Angelo. He's back in the kitchen, after service ends, remarking with Tamesha-grade fake awe over Tiffany's eggplant. Look out, Tiff! You're the biggest dog in the yard, and there's a lonely, hungry flea hopping around.

Padma wants Tiffany, Kelly, and Ed (I called it). They're on the top of this somewhat sad challenge. Tiffany's eaten-by-hand dish was well hidden. Wylie and Eric both praise Ed's execution. Kelly's soup is outside the box, and Eric really appreciated the rice (as Tiffany is shown looking down her shoulder toward Kelly). The winner? Tiffany, again! Another two-fer! She gets a vacation trip to the Hilton Arc de Triomphe in Paris.

Alien Alex, Listless Angelo, and Clueless Amanda are called out to suffer the wrath of Judges' Table. I started out thinking that Alex had to be the one going. Wylie was excited about his plating, but his disguise was merely "poor execution." It was the wrong time to go out of his element. But then the judges got to the other two. Angelo's dish had no disguise at all. The pastry was dried out; was it frozen? (Yes, yes it was.) And Amanda...she struggles to defend her dish, trying to acknowledge her weaknesses. But she cannot escape Tom's simple complaint: "You took a soup and made a soup."

The editing in the Stew Room makes it seem like Angelo and Amanda are the most at-risk. Angelo storms into the Stew Room, no smiles, no jokes, no apparent games. Tom calls them all back out, and tells them their best disguises were as poor cooks. Thankfully, the editing was just a swerve; Alex gets excused, at long last. "Seventh sucks," he grumbles. Yes, Alex. Yes, you do.

Next week: there's no 'O' in Natinals, but two in Moonen!

Top Chef - Salty.

2010-08-11T22:15:00.003-05:00

Yup. It's Restaurant Wars week. Perhaps the single greatest indicator of fundamental weakness in the entire repertoire of Top Chef challenges. Something told me before this episode that we'd be seeing a lot of fundamental weaknesses on display with this crop of chefs.

But before Restaurant Wars can start, the chefs have to be divided into two teams. A knifeblock draw gives Kevin and Ed the right to pick teams, and Kevin's first choice is, of course, his buddy Kenny. Ed, unsurprisingly, chooses his paramour Tiffany; this irks Angelo, which means I heartily approve. Kevin rounds it out with Kelly and Amanda, while Ed picks up Angelo in (yes) the fourth slot, and then is stuck with Alex in the last pick. D'oh!

It's the blindfolded relay race, and right off the bat, Team Blue (Kevin's team) is a smooth-running machine. Everyone's picking up on the leads Kenny left for them; Amanda blanches the pasta he set out, Kevin works on the mustard cream sauce, and Kelly sears the prawns at the last moment. Team Red, on the other hand, is a total mess. Tiffany starts, leaving the head on her snapper so the next person can easily ID it. But then Alex comes in and salts it way before he needs to, and Tiffany's pissed that he'd leave them open to screw-ups. Ed doesn't do much with the fish, instead tinkering with the broth. Angelo comes in as the anchor, and of course seasons the fish before cooking it. He realizes it was seasoned already, but too late; his addition of dill and cilantro seem unlikely to dull the saltiness as he hopes they will.

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the US House of Representatives (and, as Kenny astutely points out, second in line to the presidency), will be doing the tasting for this fairly simple Quickfire meal. She praises the flavors of both sides (as a politician would be expected to do), but notes the saltiness of Team Red's fish. Team Blue gets the win--no immunity, obviously, but they get to split $10,000. Team Red is salty.

Redwood at Bethesda Row in Virginia will play host to this season's Restaurant Wars challenge. Amanda looks like she's gonna barf, despite starting the episode feeling upbeat and even confident. The cause of the barfies? Guest judge Frank Bruni, former food critic of the New York Times. I'd love to have my name cause that much eyeball-bugging and nervous inhalations. Bill and John Terlato come in with a giant bottle of wine; they'll be dining as well, and will contribute both the wines the prize for the winning chef.

So in those TOYOTA VENZAS, Ed and Angelo decide that Alex will be front-of-house because they do NOT want him in the kitchen. I say, putting dude on an island is the worst possible idea because there's no one out there to keep him from fucking up, or just pulling the pan out of his hand to cook something the right way. Angelo naturally takes executive chef responsibilities, and puts my theory into practice by taking away a piece of lamb that Alex is, well, butchering. Team Blue puts Kelly at FOH, with Kenny acting as executive chef.

Activity in the kitchen is a tale of two teams, as Team Blue (restaurant name: "twenty one 21," the number of the Top Chef house) is calm-ish and mostly collected. Kenny's watching in joy-tinged surprise as Angelo gets more and more stressed out. Over on Team Red (who actually had the bright idea of naming their restaurant "EVOO," without irony), Alex is rubbing Angelo the wrong way. He's also rubbing Tiffany's bass the wrong way; she has to descale and debone it after Alex had allegedly prepped it. Alex sees that people don't trust him, but he's confident that it's without reason.

No, Alex, there's reason. See, for example, the smarmy, pretentious, insulting way you're treating the service staff. He shows them how to clean a table and chairs, he speaks condescending Spanish to them apropos of nothing (which I can only interpret as a simmering racism, but that might just be my existing bias against Alex), he even complains about the wine key one of them uses. Team Blue, on the other hand, does a tasting for the server crew so they know the most they can about the dishes. Night and day, kids. Night and day.

Service starts, and as Alex schmoozes with a table whose three orders were screwed up by the wait staff, the judges arrive and are seated by another server. (Sounds like mutiny to me! Good on ya, servers.) Frank Bruni is a black hole for Alex's obnoxious self-assurance; he stumbles over the "welcome to the restaurant" spiel.

Team Red: EVOO (ugh)

1st course: Soup of tomato confit, squash, olive crouton (Angelo). Crudo of black bass and yellowtail snapper, Meyer lemon-caper relish (Tiffany). Angelo's dish definitely takes this course, prompting Bruni to wish for more of Angelo's cuisine. Tiffany's crudo is "amazing salty."

2nd course (served so late that Tom's on his phone calling the kitchen): Striped bass, stewed spinach, fennel salad, chorizo, littleneck clams (Tiffany). Slow-baked turbot, eggplant caviar, black olive jus (Ed). Finally, Ed's jus gets to share space with Tiffany's clams. What? Anyway, while Tiff's bass is a bit overcooked, it's a good recovery from her bad first course crudo. Ed's turbot, however, tastes as Mediterranean as (ugh) EVOO's menu is supposed to be, well-sauced and well-seasoned.

3rd course: Braised--no, broiled pork chop--I mean, pan-seared lamb chop, English pea purée, smoked bacon, parmesan foam (Alex, and that's exactly how he introduced it...moron). Seared ribeye, crushed walnut potatoes, balsamic fig reduction (Ed and Angelo). Alex's lamb is cooked beautifully (more on that later), but there's no texture to the dish. Ed and Angelo's walnut potatoes are the surprising winner of this dish, according to Tom, but there's no Mediterraneanness other than the figs.

The service was hit-and-miss (I'd say that's charitable), Frank's water glass has been empty most of the meal, Alex's food was generally poor and Frank notes that he was (surprise surprise) left on a vulnerable island by the rest of his team.

While Amanda struggles with a wood fire and grassfed beef (two things with which she is apparently-- and shamefully--inexperienced), Kelly's working out the rookie nerves at front-of-house. She is, however, there to greet the judges. She describes the menu as "progressive American cuisine"--certainly a mouthful, but the only way they could think of to describe seasonal foods and preparations.

Team Blue: twenty one 21

1st course: Chilled sweet corn soup with Maryland blue crab salad (Kelly). Salad of beet confit, warm chorizo-citrus vinaigrette, pickled kumquats, almonds (Kenny). Kelly's soup is thin and flavorless. While the crabs are seasonal, the corn is not; "three months later, great dish," cuts Tom. Kenny's salad has too much going on, Tom cites Coco Chanel's rule of taking one thing off (with an assist from fashion-literate Bruni). Gail would prefer at least two things taken off--me too! HEYOH.

2nd course: Oakwood-grilled strip steak, Swiss chard, roasted sunchokes, maitake mushrooms (Amanda). Pan-roasted halibut, slow-cooked white beans, fennel marmalade, tomato fennel emulsion (Kevin). Amanda's steak is (shock!) overcooked and dry. It's also sliced too thinly, which makes it easy to see how unfulfilling the dish will be just by looking at it. The sauce, at least, is good. On the other side, Kevin's fish looks gorgeous on TV, so I can understand how wowed all the judges are as it arrives. There's a lot of flavor, and the sauce is terrific.

3rd course: Crispy aged goat cheese, arugula, strawberry-rhubarb relish (Kenny). Dark chocolate ganache tart, blackberry-chocolate chunk ice cream (Kelly). After getting over just how much cheese is on the ponderous cheese course plate, Frank Bruni minces no words: "this is terrible." It's soapy, salty, and just plain bad. Kelly's ganache (Richard's banana scallops, anyone?) is silky and chocolatey, if massive. The ice cream is flavorless and adds nothing.

Summing up the meal, Frank thankfully comments on just how terrible the name "EVOO" is, and also comments on the mistake of pegging yourself to a theme and then not living up to it at all. And worst of all, the goat cheese plate. Things aren't looking good for Kenny, bewildered to start the episode and about to get hammered harder.

Padma calls out Team EVOO first. Going by the established pattern, this is a pretty unlikely turn of events; suspicions are confirmed when Padma tells the red aprons that they were the winning restaurant tonight. Alex is called out as too nervous at FOH, which he attributes wholly to their table. Angelo's soup was pretty and flavorful. The crispy skin on Tiffany's bass was lovely, if insufficient to save the dish. Ed's turbot was plain and simple a great piece of fish.

Who came up with the lamb?, the judges ask. Angelo gives credit to Alex for conceptualizing the dish, but explains that he and Ed cooked it. Remember, the judges liked the preparation, but disliked the idea of the dish insofar as it lacked a textural element. The win is no surprise; Ed takes it, as well as a vacation to the Terlato vineyards in Napa. Suck it, Alex. Take your second try at pea purée and suck it (even if Tom Colicchio has since posted to Twitter that three contestants have confirmed that he did make his purée the first time around).

When Team twenty one 21 arrives at Judges' Table, Kenny explains that he's shocked; Team EVOO's mess of a kitchen shouldn't have been rewarded. Gail correctly notes that diners don't see the kitchen when they're at a restaurant, and usually don't care. Kelly's charisma was clumsy but appreciated at FOH, though her preference for thin soup displeased the judges. Kenny needed desperately to reel in his beet salad, which Bruni describes as "done through the guise of Hamburger Helper." Everyone smiled when Kevin's dish arrived, and it earned the good vibes. Amanda is told, once again, that good jus can't save bad beef. She actually looks shocked, but it just might be more of the soul-sucking power of a Bruni critique set to "Scathe."

The cheese course part of "dessert" was a nice idea, but the goat cheese is described by Bruni like so: "Ew." Kenny responds by harping completely on the other team's faults. Kenny, this is really distasteful. Focus on your own flaws for, like, a second. But no, this team is convinced that Alex had nothing to do with his dish, or with his team's success. Tom confirms: do you all think that Alex needs to go home? Yes, they respond, almost in unison. It's an interesting defense, but classless.

You wouldn't expect the stew room to be placid at this point, would you? Good, because it wasn't. As the doomy music comes in, Kevin takes it to Alex, saying that his team threw him under the bus by eliminating him from any responsibility in the kitchen (true), and that his ass should be going home (true). Kevin sits, Kenny stands. Each person was required to conceive a dish, he posits; everyone should have had a hand in the preparation of their dish (true). Did Alex? Angelo steps in, telling Alex that he has no reason to defend himself. This, too, is true. He's already escaped this challenge, and getting along with the other contestants isn't a required skill. But being a dick to everyone and taking the path of laziest responsibility isn't going to get you the win in a few weeks.

Team Blue goes back out. Kelly takes the knock for her soup again; Amanda only did one dish and she did it poorly; Kevin didn't have a lot to do, but did it extremely well; and Kenny served up two poor dishes, but carried off the job of executive chef reasonably successfully. Doesn't this sound like Amanda's totally done-for? It sure does to me. That's why it's so surprising that Kenny gets the axe. His goat cheese, to be fair, sounded like it might have been really bad, but no one appeared to have spit it out. Other dishes have inspired that reaction. Kenny, as talented as he appeared to be early in the season, seems to have fallen prey to a sense of invulnerability. See ya later, "Preppin' Weapon."

Next week: the CIA. I'd tell you more, but y'know...